Friday, November 29, 2013

I Thank FSM For Dickweeds, Without Which My Postings Be Fewer

The Liberty Counsel, a frothingly anti-gay Xtian organization, has released a movie, Uncommon, starring former CHiP Erik Estrada (I was always partial to the other dude. No, the other dude).

Via Raw Story:

According to its page, “Uncommon” will depict students at fictional Rosewood High School as they work to create their own theater, music and dance departments after they are eliminated due to budget cuts.
“Struggling to find the right script, music and choreography the students get advice from an uncommon source: the Bible,” writes Daniel Bowden on IMDB.
Liberty Counsel sees within this a legal framework defending Xtian terrorism-er-prozelytization -

My terms a little harsh? Kids can pray all they like - any chance of a snow day would have me pleading with heaven by 3AM. It's when adults, authority figures, start trying to fuck with kid's heads, regardless of what the kids or parents think, that I go looking for pointy thingies.

- framework defending Xtian terrorism-er-prozelytization in the public schools.

Dear Liberty Counsel,

Hello! Fuck you!

  • Aren't all y'all the ones primarily pushing for those cuts in arts programs, and schools in general?
  • Aren't the kids in the arts programs all into the Glee and the Eurythmics and the other gay things?
  • Public schools? What happened to homeschooling, the greatest, Glee-est thing ever, because as we know Einstein went to public school and it took him years to figure out who he was related to?
Love, paleo

I'm Coming Out

My dear, dear, internet friends, I can't live this facade any longer. I have very much to tell you something, and please listen, even if it is hard to fathom...

I'm, ummm... a Finnie.

I've known since I was little, and had a goldfish, and we understood each other, even as I did not understand myself, what I was, and even as he (she? I was young) tried to lead me through the early stages of finding myself, finding my fin-sona, finding my school.

I am Aragorn, a black crappie. My name in the language of my tribe means 'wettest among the swimmers'.

My wife is processing. She understands now why I needed the boat, why she keeps finding scales in the blankets, why Jeremy Wade is my sworn enemy, why I get so distracted in bait shops.

Please try to realize that I am me, and reality is what is.

Ia, Ia fthagn, may your minnows be hookless.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Dear dozen of readers,

Thanks for putting up with my nonsense!

A little further nonsense...

ps: Please, do not shop until 9:00 am tomorrow. The other half of this Black Friday/Thursday nonsense is that the fucking stores will be packed - we have to stop.

I would be very thankful if someone were to locate a man named Dom Capers. He is, or better be, the former defensive coordinator for the Green Bay Packers. When you find him, beat his ass in a humorous way. Drop a safe on him. Tie him to a train track. Both. I'm not partial.



Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Sweetie Drew The Short Straw

...and is getting ready for me to take her to jury duty.

I was given notice once, when I was living nort' of the Twin Cities, although there was no bench call, and after calling in every night for a week, I never had to go. (I was on a layoff, so it would not have been a problem, I stayed home for another week before taking a call back in North Dakota - coal plant in November? Give me the courtroom.)

Sweetie sits on the bench in downtown St. Paul - ugh. She has her magic backpack o' crafts, but still. She would like to be on a trial, something to mark down on life's bucket list. (My list includes some work - I've done a lot of things, but I always wanted to be a gravedigger, just for a day, just for the list. Of course, now they do it with a backhoe.) And I'd be okay with it, unless she went into a long sequester (I adore my frakkin wife and don't get to see her enough as it is), more power to her.

Myself, I wouldn't lie during the jury selection process, or try to get out of serving. Yet, somehow I don't think I'd make the trial.

DA: "Juror 80081E5, can you be a fair juror?
paleo: "I can and will, I'm reasonably intelligent, certainly opinionated but I like truth."
DA: "Do you have any issues with the American legal system?"
paleo: "Yes."
DA: "Such as?"
paleo: "Well, I hate you."
DA: "Pardon me?"
paleo: "You are the scum of the earth. I hate you and probably don't like your family."
facing Judge: "You too. Also, all cops are high school thugs who found a profession allowing them to remain bullies and dickweeds."
to defense attorney, currently grinning like a monkey: "Back it down there, cap'n, I hate you as well. I most likely hate your client."
paleo: "Of course! I don't have a dog in the race."

Friday, November 22, 2013

Morning Has Broken, I May Have Used A Hammer

Walkies for Jackson at Stupid:00AM. Oh well, he needs to explore and run around and whirl me like a dervish.

(Traffic on teh road is confuzzled. Large german person wearing a road vest, headlamp, otherwise all in black 'cuz it's how I roll. Black dog, with an LED that changes colors on his collar, the better to find the lil' punk at night. Both spinning like a cheap discoball.)

Route is taking us past a cemetery. Lots of grass along the road and outside the fence for upon which he may poop. But, he doesn't like that side of the road. Not necessarily avoiding the dead files cabinet, but definitely not interested in walking there. Hmm.

Now, I'm a reasonable man, MacArthur. So I know this isn't...*

Oh wait. I'm a weirdo. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON!!!!


Per my Sweetie: Cliff, Bobo, Lesbo, Creepo


Thursday, November 21, 2013

My Soul Is Trying To Strangle Me - Must Defend Martin Bashir. And Yell At The Dumbass.

... obviously, I'm not a fan. But.

Human Genome Project outlier Sarah "I was governor for a whole half-term and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" Palin

dispensed a bit of wisdom teh other day, something along the lines of (and I paraphrase):

"the Obamacare death panels have already killed many free Americans who love their being part of this great God-given us the so many ways to worship Jesus, all the ways and churches that love this country, real Americans, not the elites who want to tell us, with debt and sending people to the wrong doctor and giving out mammograms to men with abortions and free birth control, Obamaphones and videogames, and it's just like the democrat institute of slavery"

Mr. Bashir then related the story of one practice of slavery, called 'Darby's Dose', involving defecation and urination into a slave's mouth.

Sarah Palin has compared trying to get people access to health care, and the application of classical Keynesian econ, which has, historically, usually been successful, sort of, but not quite, similar to the way that austerity has always failed, to slavery. It is perfectly reasonable, since she is such a victim of slavery, to give her the full monty. Also, she's a twat, but that is merely an identifying characteristic and not directly related to the Bashir issue.

Now, Bashir has gone on an apology tour. (I have mentioned I'm not a fan.) 

Dear Marty, 
You were right. Shut up. 
Love, paleo

Also, today on the radio, Hannity, skipping a little thing called context, accused Bashir of having a fecal obsession. 

Dear Sean, 
Darby's Dose was an invention of the Confederacy. You know, the people you laud as true patriots. The Rebs. Treason In Defense Of Slavery. 
Hell, I'll even do you the honor of not accusing you of being a genocidal maniac. I suspect you'd be happy owning slaves of any color.
May your appendix get ambitious, rip it's way out of your chest cavity, throttle you very slowly watching the pure light of fascism choke out in your eyes, and be declared Most Heroic Amongst The Peoples.  
Love, paleo

Monday, November 18, 2013

Climate Change Denial Isn't Just A Hobby, I'm A Member

So, listening to sports talk on the way home from work (no judging. The only antidote to remembering how bad the Packers were yesterday is listening to Twin Cities media call their team a squad of nun-beaters.)

Local Limbaugh wannabee and suspected serial egg-plant buggerer (it would be irresponsible not to speculate) Joe Soucheray was laying down a groove, troof about the Vikings, and the subject turned to the Bears-Ravens game, and other slightly more important news from yesterday.

Joe said, para, that tornadoes happen, and that the only reason people notice them nowadays is that people are living in areas that used to have tornadoes go through and they would just kill a rabbit maybe. His co-host, an old sportswriter named Patrick Reusse (who's actually alright, his choice of friends notwithtatnding), brought him in from the ledge a bit, and eventually they settled on "Well, it's not unheard of."

Dear Mr. Souchoreilly,

People have been living in Chicago for a bit. Cincinnati? Not exactly the wild frontier. Washington IL, F4, pretty flattened. Been around a while, did a bit of good in this skirmish called World War II. F3, Paducah, Kentucky. Some horses ain't'nt come down yet. 20 city blocks on the Natl. Registry of Historic Places. Tornado touched down at a uranium enrichment plant, and by pure luck, no releases. Check out The Weather Channel for more.

You know what? No, Joey, get your hand out of the vegetable patch and listen, goddammit. Yeah, sometimes tornadoes do happen, sometimes out of nowhere. Snownadoes. Sharknadoes even. 
12+ of the rotten bastards in middle damn November?!?!
Someone may have noted that. Just saying.

What will it take for you to realize, stuff is not exactly right?

Sunday, November 17, 2013

World, There Is Someone I'd Like You To Meet

I haven't been out much for a few weeks, just basically keeping up on teh news. One of the primary reasons is so, so-o-o-o-o very awesome...

World, Jackson. Jackson, world.

Jackson is a 3 mo.+, 25 # black lab (and ?). He is the mostest enthusiastic thing on earth right now. He had a cone when we first picked him up, due to recent work that I am sure he will forgive the fostering agency for someday.

We didn't necessarily introduce him to the cats in the right way. He came in the door, cone on head, saying


The punkboy cat, not entirely feeling the scene, freaked, and is only now starting to remember that, hey, his house. I honestly hope for punkboy Milo to slap the dog around once, just to establish the pecking order, and I don't believe the dog gives a damn anyhow. I just worry about my cats...

The other cat, Queen Diva Maisy, is usually the skittish one, incredibly so. Her reaction to her new brother has been atypical, I think in part because Jackson seems to pay not the slightest bit of attention to the cats. Basically, she looked down, said "What fresh version of Hell is this? Meh." and continued on with her business, that of getting fed and skritched.

The cone came off Friday night, and yesterday was playday. Today, we start some basic training, primarily 'come here' and gotta work on the jumping, he is big enought and heavy enough that my happy boy parts have retreated into my abdomen for the duration, and I'm pretty sure the 'lil puppy' nearly gave me a black eye on Friday.

Jacks will be an occasional visitor to my little bloggy home, he's very friendly, no table scraps, please!

One thing, thank FSM for no-kill shelters and fostering agencies, but good lord did they put us through a wringer. And we ain'tn't teh only ones - our vet just got a dog though a fostering agency, our VET, and he went through the same thing, quizzes, home inspections, cavity search.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Live Blogging - Packers Vs Bears Suck

So. The Chicago Bears show their face at Lambeau. The team with the most convictions in the NFL, save Richie Incognito, already being picked apart. Honey, where is it teh pizza?