The Last Word On The OMGGHOSTBUSTERSWIMMENZVAGINOIDS Conflict

Briefly:

The new Ghostbusters is out. For months, many so-called 'men' have been complaining about wrecked childhoods because cooterdust. Or whatever. Most of these so-called men lack personal experience with, ummm, well, really, women in general, much less mouth-to-ladybits communication. Also these so-called men are dipshits who should be encouraged to explore the effects of diesel tailpipes upon scuba mouthpieces. The original was quite funny, I had the T-shirt myself. But, it was not Young Frankenstein. Quit witcher dog-whistles, we know what you are saying, own it you punkass bitches.

While I was not enthused by the first trailer, the pieces that have leaked out have been better. I had been likely to see it. I don't know the actresses save Melissa McCarthy, and I'm not particularly a fan, she's ok, wevs. I enjoy light science fiction/comedy in general, including one of my all-time favorite films:

• I. Loved. The Last Starfighter. I will go full DeathBlossom on anyone who disagrees, because they are failed at evolution. Always trust Centauri. 

Meteorologically speaking, Twister sucks on ice, but I'll watch it anytime I see it's on. Hell, I even rather enjoyed Evolution; bugger off.

Reviews so far have been basically, "If you're not expecting Citizen Kane, or even Candy Cane's First Lesbian Macramé Adventure, you'll have some fun. Don't overthink it, just enjoy it." So fine.

"But paleo, after saying it looks okay, you are saying that you had been likely to see it. Now you're not. Typical libtard cuck commie islamist elitist zionist fascist, uhhh, beta, respective vaginas, hah gotcha, Trump!" Well, oh Dweller In The Basement, the movie still looks fine. It's going to make the Netflix list, but:

Whilst waiting for Sweetie to get ready to go to the Co-op, I am watching The Mummy (w/ Brendan Frasier - again, as long as ya don't think too hard, enjoyable as all get out), and commercial breakage comes up. Oh, my, errr, it's ahhh, Ghostbusters tie-in, pizza, ohfuckfuckFUCK Papa John's, with the goddamn criminal filth Schnatter dressed in teh Beige Coveralls.

I realize, I do, that all marketing departments are useless gits, and given the job of promoting Citizen Kane, or Candy Cane Visits A KY Factory With Six Portable Generators And A Funk Band, would put out a line of action figures. And I'd buy the full Candy Cane Collection. The marketing team doesn't care about the movie, especially arthouse films like the Candy Cane series. The production team does not get too involved on the marketing end, other than direct promotion of the movie. Production holds no part in what I am about to say.

I cannot reward, in any way, any product, that would in any form, allow itself, either directly or indirectly, to be associated with a bloodthirsty monster like John Schnatter. If there is such a thing as universal justice, he would be in the first group up in the dock for crimes against humanity and the American worker. Fuck him, fuck his corporate board, fuck Peyton Manning. He needs to be in Supermax until he can be swept up and put in a dustbin.

And anyone who can stand his quasi-pizza needs a tastebud transplant. Jes' sayin'.

Christmas Linkees

paleo Christmas programming!

ENJOY!!

Crimson Peak Is The Dante's Peak Of Axe-Crazy Incest Movies

You may be wondering what this post title means, and that's a very good question.

Saturday night, Sweetie and I and another couple, a ginger engineer and Scooter, went a-movieing. It was not my turn to choose, which is completely fucking bogus - who doesn't like lasers, starships that ignore little things like conservation of momentum, and boobs that wildly ignore the square-cube law?

Ummm. Where was I?

OK, yes, errr, so we decided on Crimson Peak, a Guillermo del Toro 'joint', as I believe the kids say. Imma try to avoid spoilers, should you choose to see it, but I have some thoughts.

First of all, del Toro cannot help but make almost impossibly beautifully shot films. CP, as the kids would say, does not belie this trend - it's stinking gorgeous. And he is great at getting the visceral reaction shot, where the audience, ie. me, finds hisownbadself clinging to the acoustical proofing on the ceiling, not sure why my seat is an uncomfortably long way down. The story is mostly there.

On the whole it's a good movie. But.

Scenes can drag. One entire subplot is a Chekhov's Misdirection, a 4 to 5 scene set-up to no payoff whatsoever. In general, I could see chopping that entire sub and tightening up some other scenes, at nearly two hours it can get wearying.

The male lead, Loki, does a fine job, despite the Trent Reznor cosplay - really, if you want to ruin your morning, wear long blousy clothing around spinny thingies.



I'm unfamiliar with Mia Wasikowski ('Edith Cushing'), but have no complaints. She was not a shrinking, nor shrieking violet.

Now, the Lady Sharpe, Loki's sister. I vaguely recognize the actress. This woman chews the scenery as if it was built by Wrigley's. That, with the Amy Lee cosplay, (a choice I applaud - if'n you gotta go full goth, goth the best)



make her a strong presence...
That they underutilized the shit out off.

Which brings us to the third act, where the movie derails. Another rather squicky subplot pops into being, leaDING TO?!

Nothing. Squat. Toecheese. And now I'm squicked. Why you do this to me jackass? Now I's cranky.

The ending is serviceable, you can tell what movie del Toro had on his hotel Spectravision when he conceived it, but again, just 5 minutes ago I was going 'bleah', you could have brought in lasers, starships that ignore little things like conservation of momentum, and boobs that wildly ignore the square-cube law, and I'd have still 'bleah'ed'.

Teh verdict?

See it at a matinee, or if your TV is sufficiently sufficient, Redbox. Qualified half-thumb up.

This May Be The Only Way I Would Enthusiastically Vote For Hillary Clinton

This requires a brief setup.

In Raw Story this morning, it was reported that the au-ful-teurs who made the beloved-in-baptist-Mississippi Twilight-fucking-fanfic-mormon-BDSM epic Fifty Shades Of Grey will be making a film based on BEEENNGHHAAZZZI.

Friend of teh blog Big Bad Bald Bastard (srsly, read him now. He's a wonderful writer and annoyingly prolific) posted in comments

Relativity Media will be teaming up with 50 Shades of Grey
producer Dana Brunetti on what will be the second film in production
about the September 11, 2012 attack on the United States consulate in
Benghazi, 

Let me guess, just in time for the 2016 Presidential election! Both films will probably have a scene in which Hilary asks, "What does it matter?" completely out of context.

I was inspired to put on my screenwriter's helmet, a lovely shade of tinfoil, with beerholders, and create this little script.


Scene. The Oval Office. The bust of Lincoln is not present, although white dust and granules where it was give some clue to its disposition. In its place, an Ehrlenmeyer flask filled with fetuses. The door from the Chief of Staff's Office slams open and Bill Clinton runs into the room

Bill: "Honey? Mrs. President?"

President Hillary Clinton's head rises from between the legs of an african-american muslim liberal jewish woman, named Fidel, with a Wellesley Masters of Soviet Film Studies

HRC: "Who is she now?"

Bill, almost giggling: "The North Koreans have teamed up with the CDC and nuked the SEC championship game. Over 65,000 southern baptists have been turned to pencil lead!"

HRC, sinks back down: "What nomnom does it slozzle matter?nomnomnomnom..."

and scene.

If they film that (and I get credit, bicthes), I will not only overjoyingly vote for Hillary, adding all the local cemeteries, but I'll start donating paychecks.

Jus' sayin'.

Why Did This Not Win All The Oskars Mk.II

Okay, so I am still in healing mode, Sweetie, I, and Brother-in Law kicking back. Wings and video. My brother in law was sent for video. Somehow the choice came down to me. My requirements tend to be specific yet surprisingly easy:

1.) Robots
2.) Lasers
3.) Robots meeting lasers, with predictable vaporitic results.
4.) Boobs Daisies and puppies and anything written by Nicholas Sparks, sweetheart, with zombies.

So, BIL off to Redbox with my specs. I searched online and gave him a ranked choice. Sanitorium*, Maleficent (despite my enduring loathing for Angelina Pitt, I'm somewhat intrigued), and Horrible Bosses (recommended to me, but I hate cringe comedy, and if that's what it is I'll be unpleasant). (For the record, Redbox is a poor goddammed way to get videos. Anyhow.)

BIL returned with Maleficent, which we will be watching, but I was starting to have a gore-on for Sanatorium, so we went to one of the 37 services we have and found it.

*So, Sanatorium. Not about anything related to a frothy mixture.

Briefly, the plot is a ghost-hunting show (yes, I have watched all of the the ghost-hunting shows. Bite me), for its special 100th ep, does an investigation in a very haunted former sanatorium (see how it ties together) (it's this sort of world creation/atmosphere setting that separates the just-out-of-film-school-writer/producer/cinematographer from the random man of the street, and reminds me why Ron Howard is inexplicably wealthy yet Clint Howard is considered a genius lunatic and possible cannibal/amphibian molester.) Bad things happen, including the fact that the whole film is shot as 'found footage'.

For the record, I enjoyed 'Blair Witch'. I like 'Paranormal Activity'. I tolerated Borat. Found footage sucks on ice. Blue filters and green filters (to resemble footage from an IR camera), most eviscerations wait until the end, rarely any good views of the evulz critters (not actually defined as clear shots of the Big Bad, but interesting shots of the critter/its badness are called for.)

You know what, it's not a bad little film. Some pretty effective jump cuts, leaves mysterious what ought to be mysterious, some simple but appropriate effects. Nice body count, decent amount of blood, (not Saw levels, that's ridiculous, but enough to let you know bad things...) Rather short, but probably better for it.

Two disarticulated thumbs up!

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Dear dozen of readers,

Thanks for putting up with my nonsense!

A little further nonsense...




ps: Please, do not shop until 9:00 am tomorrow. The other half of this Black Friday/Thursday nonsense is that the fucking stores will be packed - we have to stop.


UPDATE:
I would be very thankful if someone were to locate a man named Dom Capers. He is, or better be, the former defensive coordinator for the Green Bay Packers. When you find him, beat his ass in a humorous way. Drop a safe on him. Tie him to a train track. Both. I'm not partial.

Thanks,

paleo

Culture Is My Beat

The finale of Broadchurch  and the 2009 film Strigoi. 

I'll start with Strigoi, available on Netflix, an indie film, (heavily accented) English language. A Strigoi* is a Romanian creature, part ghost, part demon, part vampire, part zombie, part every-other-damnable-bad-thingy, and one of the inspirations for Dracula by Bram Stoker. The film is a comedy-horror, focusing primarily on Constantin, a young villager, a failed physician, frighteningly addicted to cigarettes, who has returned from abroad after trying to make his way out into the world. The villagers have recently murdered a former apparatchik, who made himself rich by hook and crook, led by the mayor and priest, who want to solidify their own positions and keep their own cuts, and stuff doesn't exactly work the way they planned.

The movie does not move quickly. Constantin is followed, surrounded by assorted old world madness that he refuses to see. Eventually, he does what he has to, still not entirely sure of himself or the reality of what he's doing. 

It drew me in. Constantin is not much of a hero - in fact, he is treated poorly by all - just plods along, occasionally attempting to assert himself, never successfully. He does eventually win, more or less. I don't know why it pulled me in - Sweetie was somewhat less than impressed, I was just looking and waiting for what was next in line for the poor bastard.

I really did enjoy it, but I suspect I'm not typical audience, ie., Michael Bay should be beaten with a bag full of small thermonuclear weapons.

*The myths are broadly defined, differing slightly on a regional basis, and not really important to know for reviewing the film.

Oh, Broadchurch.  Broadchurch Broadchurch Broadchurch. Sweetie and I looked so forward to the denouement. I obviously can't deny it - I would not typically watch either a drama or police procedural without an additional draw, in this case, spot the Doctor Who actor. But after three episodes, we were very much in a state of, Is This Going Anywhere. Then one evening, purely by accident and On-Demand, we watched eps 4-6, then the next night 7, and then loudly cursed BBCAmerica for waiting a week for the last episode, we was wired.

Then, we got screwed with our pants on. And not in the good - wait, analogy fail.

Look, no spoilers, but the murderer was a bit of an asspull. The psychic dude - WTF. He gave nothing to the series, except for supposedly being, um, vindicated? Believed? Annoying?

There is a series 2 coming out, I suspect they have set up Tennant's character, DI Hardy, to not return, although the setting will remain the village of Broadchurch and at least a couple main characters are confirmed as returning. Please do better.

Saturday Night Film Review (Two Days Late): A Haunting At Silver Falls

As happens when one is a shut-in, one watches a lot of bad TV, bad movies, and spends as much time with his wife as possible. Saturday I spent the day hating life and watching dreadful sasquatch mockbusters on SyFy:

• Yeti: Curse Of The Snow Demon (All the victims deserved horrible death. Ideally by cannibalism but no such luck.)
• Bigfoot (with Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams. Wow. Star power visible from space.)
• Sweet Prudence And The Erotic Adventure Of Bigfoot (Yes, this is real. No, it was not on Saturday, I needed a joke. No, I have not seen it. One must be careful writing blog posts - google may educate.)

As the evening progressed, my wife returned after a long day on her own errands, and she settled back with me, plopping down peppers to be chopped for homemade salsa, and we just shot the shit for a while, very, very nice, had a supper of leftovers, and as 10 o'clock wound around, we fed kittehs and decided to do a movie and popcorn. Searching through On Demand, we settled on:

A Haunting At Silver Falls        

It is a recent film, so I won't drop too many spoilers.

Pros:

• Some pretty genuinely tense scenes, without gore or indeed much blood at all
• Quite good cinematography, shadow and color, setting and framing. They took some time with their shots
• While the 'creatures', to use a non-spoiling term, are obviously on a budget, they still beat the hell out of low-budget, poorly conceived CGI (see all the above Bigfoot films. Except maybe Sweet Pru Baby.)
• The young actors did good jobs playing teenagers, does not appear to be Dawson Casting
• The villains give pretty good evil

Cons:

• Plot holes. Holy fuggit plot holes. Character motivation ran away from this script like a running, ummm, thing. No other way to put it. Not that you need to be spoonfed, but some of these things stand out in your mind like WTF? 

Verdict:

• I really liked it! Not a worldbeater, but a genuinely fun film for a night in for a few bucks. If the opportunity comes up, take it - worry about the plot holes later. A solid E thumbs.

AAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBCCCCCCDDDDDDEFFFFFFGGGGG

Television Is A Vast Wasteland! (Hmmm. I Like That, Damn I'm Clever...)

I've spent a week on a couch, feet propped in the air (and NOT. in. the good way!) (You're very welcome, brain bleach to your left, I'll be here a couple more days, thank you!), and watching TV. I want, no, need to share a little thing, I've discovered... 

The problem. With. AMERICA.

I won't make a claim rife with hypocrisy, or brag of special powers - if I have TV, I will watch it, especially if it has ghoulies, beasties, or things what go bump in the night. Including some of the reality TV aboot ghoulies, beasties, and things what go bump in the night. This keeps my channels in the Discovery/TLC/Travel/H2/Syfy (christ do I hate that fucking name) territory. I also love Duck Dynasty (yes, I said it, I know they are huge republicans/fundiegelical/NRA types, don't care, I think it is funnier than hell, and kinda sweet sometimes).

My tastes, however, put me in contact with, oh, say:

Ancient Aliens: Lunatic sharing a hairdresser with Don King takes confirmation bias to a whole new level, thereby taking a field already plagued with poor use of the scientific method and making it look even more foolish, punishing the legitimate scientists who risk mockery to do real research.









Call of the Wildman: Lunatic with impenetrable accent molests southern rodents. 

Celebrity Ghost Stories: Lunatics who have, in fact, been on TV at one point or other (hell, I've been on TV, several times. High Quiz Bowl, bitches. Yes, I'm an enormous nerd), all of whom seem to fought off Satan himself, and hellhounds, and the ghost of Charles Manson, Charles Schultz, Charles In Charge.

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives: Lunatic who is also giant douchebag stretches what could be an enjoyable, short series/travelogue into an interminable, unwatchable, celebration of lunatic douchebag.

Lizard Lick Towing: Lunatics who have gone into repo work because I, for one, am not calling anything called goddam Lizard Lick Towing when my 78 Vega breaks the length of sisilana I am using for a fan belt. 

Okay. I see. Let us try the class of television, then. Yes, I am about to get flamed, fuck off, I'm right and you know it.

Dexter: Seriously, bad guy catches bad guys, I suppose it is an interesting concept, but it has been done.

Breaking Bad: Same as the Sopranos, and also BORING AS HELL. Bryan Cranston is, however, an unbelievable actor.


Mad Men: What the fuck? Republican wet dream. How is this nostalgia - that America sucked, it's like that movie The Help. The one time I saw MM, I hated because it made me mad as hell, and I wanted to beat every character senseless.

All of teh above? Need moar evil dead things.

Movie Review And Short Summer Preview: Star Trek - Into Darkness

To Boldly Go To Roseville IMAX

At a post about the Super Bowl, while more-or-less live-blogging, I mentioned that I had seen the first trailer for Star Trek Into Darkness, and that it gave me a geekrection. Today was the day, and the brother-in-law and I went to see it in IMAX 3D.

Before teh verdict, I have to say that video and sound quality increases exponentially every time I see a new movie - the experience was amazing. Now, on to the movie, and no spoilers if I can help it!

Verdict: Very Good.

It was a mixture of summer action, stunts, and things going splodey; and a surprising number of shout-outs, subtle canon jokes, and fan-boi stuff. I am an SF fan, I don't segregate myself into a particular camp (except the camp which declares Jar-Jar Binks should be eviscerated and then go splodey whilst surrounded by fucking Ewoks. Star Trek, Star Wars, Firefly, Farscape, Doctor Who, Independence Day, Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies, Battle Beyond The Stars for gods-sake.) 
The show moved right along, not much thought needed, both a  good and a bad thing, I know they want to attract more people than, say, me, but a little introspection or exposition well done is a good thing. The aforementioned shout-outs and in-jokes were appreciated, but some could have been set up a bit instead of just dropped. 

Again, I liked it quite a bit, I advise you see it, and advise you splurge a bit for the IMAX thingy, but I have to do a Good/Bad/Ugly widget here.
The Good: The cast was amazing, the actors playing the main characters really do well, Zachary Quinto as Spock really does well, playing Spock as a less controlled, awkward young Vulcan. Alice Eve (spoilers)? Her part is small, and another in-joke, but she does well, and mrowrrr. Simon Pegg needs an Oscar or a Nobel Prize (of course, I have loved him since Spaced and Shaun Of The Dead. Some impressive and surprising actors playing supporting characters. The sense of humor, snarky as current trends in humor tend to be, was snappy, well-timed, and in character.
The Bad: As I said, while I loved the references and in-jokes, in most cases they could have been set up better to really punch 'em home. Some 'splosions were needed, summer film, but the sense of scale needed a sense of scale - you'll see. 
The Ugly: A pretty savage deus ex machina in conjunction with a cameo, very badly unnecessary, pissed me off quite a bit. Any script editor approving that scene should have looked at his diploma from film school, burned it, and got a job holding sandwich-boards advertising one-hour cheep tax returns/massage parlors on street corners, something honest.


Summer Preview

World War Z: Looks good, but since the end of 12 Monkeys/A River Runs Through It era, I have a fear of Brad Pitt. While not nearly as evil as some, no one that popular can be be worth the oxygen they consume. Sorry, TMZ readers.

Elysium: WILL SEE! NERD-ON!!!

Thor: I'll go with teh brother-in-law, looks okay to me. The guy playing Loki, at least in the previews has an appropriate mien of madness that could be fun.

Superman - Man Of Steel: No way in hell. a.) Not a Supe fan, particularly, too, umm something. Baddish. Fuck him. b.) Zack Goddamn Snyder, maker of the patriotic porno 300. Fuck him as well.

This has been another test of the Emergency Broadcast System.

In Which paleo Reveals Himself To Be A Film Snob: Or, The Oscars Do Not Count Until John Carpenter And Kurt Russell Win

For my wee anniversary post, I put up a screen shot of the Eye Booger from Big Trouble In Little China. 

The perfect film. Chop-saki, magic, humor, cat-like reflexes. Black Blood Of Earth. Renowned Shakespearean company veteran Kurt Russell flexed chops few of today's Disney creations have any hope of achieving, while proto-Method director John Carpenter created an organic flow never since matched.

Egg Shen: Oh, a six-demon bag!  

Jack Burton: Terrific, a six-demon bag. Sensational. What's in it, Egg?

Egg Shen: Wind fire, all that sort of thing!

Even Kim Cattrall  - fantastic. Cute too. She later became dead to me (will not post a picture as it has been known to cause terminal Phlebotinittus), but she was great here.

My next evidence that film remains a vital art form is a perfect film. The best use of the Statue of Liberty as a setpiece. John Carpenter and Kurt Russell aim for greatness. Also starring a young up-and-comer named Donald Pleasance, and veteran character actor Wee Van Cweef.

Finally I wish to submit to you a perfect film, a pioneer in CGI, and one of the most amazingly white setpieces known. Whiter than...none more white. A young Kurt Russell and film auteur John Carpenter reached for a stark bleakness akin to the photographic genre informally known as Page 3.

I thank you for your consideration.