A Rather Hostile Post On Religion

I don't usually wade too deep into the religion wars, save those occasions where I can mock useless motherfuckers who desperately need to suck on a tailpipe. Joel Osteen. Pope Benny the Inquisitor (1). Zombie Falwell. Can't-Believe-The-Douchemule-Is-Still-Animate Robertson. I have made the point that while I believe in too many random weirdnesses to consider myself an atheist, any organized religion is an evil, devoid of morals, never more than a complicated grift. All of them. Destroyers of the human state, that of being inquisitive, creative, thinking, social creatures. At best they are authoritarian cocksuckers, at their worst, record-breaking killers. Stuff.

Today, however, for whatever syzygy has taken place, I am rather cross with the Roman Empire for going about things half-assed, and starving their kitty-cats.

Arkansas. State Motto, 'Why?'. (h/t Raw Story)
You genuinely heartless rodent molesters. Yeah, I know it's Arkansas and all, one state sharing 21 chromosomes and 19 teeth. 

"paleo, you're shocked? This behaviour belied even your already low expectations of the goddamn south?"

Truthfully, no. It is for those good, god-fearing parishioners, who gave the mother an envelope of clippings stating that her son was already burning, that I sometimes wish there was a hell. You pissants deserve each other, and to judge by the number of recessive genes creeping out here and there, y'all know it, too. I award you one diesel exhaust pipe and a couple million sets of breathing masks.

This Willfully Ignorant Kneebiter doesn't even try to hide the grift. (h/t Raw Story)
Ken Ham. The Encyclopedia of American Loons has a good breakdown, but I must disagree strongly with some of his diagnosis, where he calls Ham an '(unintentional) con artist.' Nor do I think Kenny is especially stupid. 

Oh, he's certainly not going to be the next Nobel Nominee in, say, anything, but this ongoing episode shows the whole damn thing as a grift, and rather successful. Ken Ham, I award you your very own martyr's spit, book of Kwik Trip matches (only the highest quality for such a task), and a lot of THHN wire that I need to take the insulation off of before I turn in the copper.

If you deluded hatemongers want to play politics, pay taxes. (h/t RightWingWatch)
Nuff said. I award the cretin a 1976 Ford Granada, cerulean but somewhat rusty, and an inoperable garage door.

While I don't expect any of these lizard bastards to take advantage of the generosity and the deep pondering that went into the administration of this contest and the trophies given. I can hope. Because I really, really, hate these societal vampires.

One more, brand new to me, and obviously there are details yet to be, ummm, detailed, but taking this at face value, my only question is 'Where is the nearest megachurch?'. (h/t Raw Story)

I really, really, re-a-a-a-l-l-y detest these peckerwoods.

(1) I'm not sure if I'm ashamed, or surprised, if I'm being buffaloed, or if I'm actually reading him right, but I'm inclined to like Francis. Yeah, he's made no progress on any minute advance in Vatican policies from the 40, 50, 80, whatever number of bloodthirsty criminals preceded him, they are still as medievally misanthropic as ever. But I give him credit for seemingly being genuine about living up to the vow of poverty, and big props for infuriating the USCCB and especially Burke's demotion. If he were to start defrocking diddlers en masse and turning over records of the 'penitents' to local DAs, I'd willingly shake his hand.

Happy Pulpit Freedom Day! Shall We Have Cake Or Death?

Today is Pulpit Freedom Day, the one day every year when the poor, put-upon, homophobic, gynophobic, semitiphobic, TV network owning, Lear Jet possessing, un-taxed christian majority of the United States leaps free of their shackles, finally letting their voices be heard, the truth of teh Holy Aryan Bearded Dude trumpeting forth, not fluting forth, or clarineting forth, bunch of wussys, TRUMPETS!

Today's topic:

Marriage Equality. The number of states with either full or partial marriage equality is slowly increasing, with a particular bump recently. Christians are running scared, as 100% of the population of each state with marriage equality have turned. Iowa? Rump riot. Minnesota? My divorce has finalized and I have taken off with my brother in law on a happy honeymoon/casino vacation. New Mexico explicitly accepts out-of-state same-sex marriages, and now nothing grows.

On this most underground of holidays, you round white fucks, subsidized by my tax dollars - I happily pay my taxes, when it helps people. Schools, law enforcement, fire departments. A defensive military ( I am not, however, especially hip to foreign entanglement, dronezzzzz, black ops/wetwork.) Hospitals and health care. Feeding, clothing, roofing, and heating people who currently do not have shit - you whacky paranoid religious bozos got yours, so, and I say this with all love, suck on a tailpipe. Self-immolation - its what's for dinner. Martyr your ass - please.

"People, children, we gather here to remind ourselves that teh qweers are coming for YOU! They want to t-u-u-r-r-r-n you, to make you icky! Men of Gaw-awd, do you really want to suck a cock?!? Women, though, lesbianism is NOT in the bible, just make sure to share the video. I, myself, have weld-ded, 8 guage diamondplate to my A-nal, dirty spot, much the same as the early MEN of GAWD were... eatenbylionsintehcoliseum. (Honey, I need the pepto, please!)"

These horrible, sick bastards, fleecing their flock, and robbing the treasury. I don't have anything in particular against faith - I am not a hard atheist, even having a place for a 'prime mover' sort of thing. Do not try to tell me that such PM gives any particular shit about us, nor is the mover necessarily anything we could understand, especially the popular, anthropomorphized Sky Fairy. These immoral jackholes certainly can live on the high hog on their follower's dime if the followers willingly cough it up - people are allowed to be dumb. But on my dime - you spout off about politics, you become a political player, you pay the entry fee, and you twats owe us a fortune.

Catholics are involved as well, even as Ex-Pope Jackboots the Fingerer-Forgiver luxuriates in the Vatican, convinced he's earned his retirement and place in Heaven. But, Catholics have their own martyred lion-poop today, Matt Birk, of the Minnesota Vikings and Baltimore Ravens, who refused to meet with the President and the rest of the Ravens in the traditional White House congratulations to the Super Bowl team. 

Let's ignore the fact that we have greater fish to fry in the country than the winner of a gambling event (unless it is the Packers). But even the Pack has no business taking up the time of the damned leader of the free world, 'specially when the free world is fucked, 'specially when a significant number of the fuck-ers are holding Pulpit Freedom Day.

Catholic Matt Birk had a problem with the leader of the free world allowing that women have the freedom to bodily autonomy, you know, crazy talk, and that Planned Parenthood has been a leader in protecting and enabling aforesaid bodily autonomy, you know, crazy talk. 

Matt Birk was on a Super Bowl team, received a Super Bowl ring, with a murderer, Ray Lewis. Didn't say a thing. Didn't return the ring. Seems if he gets the ring, murder is fine? Matt Birk played on a Vikings team, a good Vikings team, that nearly made a couple of Super Bowls, with a bunch of players implicated in the Love Boat Scandal. Never heard a peep, locally or nationally. Seems if Matt Birk can get close to the Super Bowl with a whole damn bunch o' sinners, hooker-fondling suddenly becomes moral as hell. Or perhaps Birk has taken a role model, Mark Chmura, who refused to meet President Clinton because hummers. That would be Mark Chmura the rapist. Seems rape is cool if you hate Planned Parenthood. 

Dear Pastors/Preachers/Priests of America,

Shut up.

Love, paleo

The Immutable Laws Of The Universe - Gravity, Thermodynamics, Poe's

Look, I've had a little fun the last couple days, letting my weird out, mocking the age-old traditions of Mother Church - teh Conclave, prayerful consideration, testifying in pedophilia cases and corruption. It was fun, I thought it likely that they would end up with a seriously repressed conservative old guy. Safe bet. 

And they did.

One who, according to some accounts, KNOWS WHERE THE GODDAMN BODIES ARE BURIED.

Why do I bother? I can't top this. No one can top this. Maybe TBogg, or Cerberus, 'k. But, are you fucking kidding me?

I need a drink.

paleo And The Quest For The Holy Papaciness

For Cardinal paleo, life is nothing if not complications. The Real Popehoodness™, my life's ambition, is being thwarted, no white smoke, no dancing in the street, just calls from Immigration and Customs Enforcement, wondering about my background.The questioning was ferocious, particularly when they learned that I was into adults.

I suspect it was the doing of that Cardinal Scalia, Diocese of Opus Dei C. Bitch has been jealous since the day we wore the same cossack to Timmy's to-do, I was a-dorable, he, well, didn't really pull it off. At all. (Hag.)

I.C.E. eventually turned me loose, I mean, I like to arriviste fashionably late, but the conclave was locked and I had to berate a footman to get a damn cup of espresso, much less let in the door, they took my stylish man-bag and found my back-up Blackberry (I am sooo naughty...), so no tweeting, sorry my loves.

Trouble, trouble, trouble. And now Archcardinal Mahony is doing his lip-sync routine to the CHANT! album, attention whore. Poo.

I'll update when I can, once some of the older conclavists get into the Mogen David it will be easier to get some privacy.

Delirium Tremens, ta-ta!

The Most Important Post You Will Ever Read Part 65,290

Hands shaking, fever pitch, this is difficult for me to type, ummm, but, here goes.

I am. Wow. Papabili. First vote is this afternoon, and upon carefully considered prayer and applique of logic, I have realized. I am Papabili.

In retrospect, I should have realized. The black sedans always within my vision. The fact that I possess fine and well-kept pirate regalia, or at least an eyepatch and bandana.

I am, well, prepared. Some major changes coming. Gonna loot the Vatican, sell everything, actually helping the poor, with, say food and heat. Hymns by MC Frontalot. Allowing gay priests to marry. Oh, again, the whole actually helping of the poor. 

I grew up Catholic, not so much anymore, as they are fundamentally evil, but I can fix that. 

I was surprised, but should not have been. The signs were there, all along. From a young age, the long conversations the parents had with the nuns and priests at my school. Co-workers, acquaintances, throughout life, looking at me with what I can only assume to be awe, reverence, wonder.

You were here. I love you all. Domino caravan, moondance.