Monday, November 2, 2015

I Need Stakes And Torches... And Potatoes And Mushrooms

So, so many reader have begged me to post actual photos of my own bad self...

Time to make the donuts.


I askeded teh Sweetie for sexytime. She didn't react well.

After having given many kids diabetes. There may, may, be vodka in there. I don't remember.

I got a (roughly) 14 year old girl to sprint down my driveway.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

There Is Something Wrong On Teh Internet

I, a mere paleo, have busted the mighty Wonkerados on an inaccuracy! This aggression will not stand, man!

In a post about some talibangelical football coach in Washington State, they posted the famed, and I would call faked, photograph of Jesus in his sportsball days.

"'Faked', you say, paleo? Balderdash!"

Dash your own balls, please. I have the original photo.

QEmofookinD, bitches.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Crimson Peak Is The Dante's Peak Of Axe-Crazy Incest Movies

You may be wondering what this post title means, and that's a very good question.

Saturday night, Sweetie and I and another couple, a ginger engineer and Scooter, went a-movieing. It was not my turn to choose, which is completely fucking bogus - who doesn't like lasers, starships that ignore little things like conservation of momentum, and boobs that wildly ignore the square-cube law?

Ummm. Where was I?

OK, yes, errr, so we decided on Crimson Peak, a Guillermo del Toro 'joint', as I believe the kids say. Imma try to avoid spoilers, should you choose to see it, but I have some thoughts.

First of all, del Toro cannot help but make almost impossibly beautifully shot films. CP, as the kids would say, does not belie this trend - it's stinking gorgeous. And he is great at getting the visceral reaction shot, where the audience, ie. me, finds hisownbadself clinging to the acoustical proofing on the ceiling, not sure why my seat is an uncomfortably long way down. The story is mostly there.

On the whole it's a good movie. But.

Scenes can drag. One entire subplot is a Chekhov's Misdirection, a 4 to 5 scene set-up to no payoff whatsoever. In general, I could see chopping that entire sub and tightening up some other scenes, at nearly two hours it can get wearying.

The male lead, Loki, does a fine job, despite the Trent Reznor cosplay - really, if you want to ruin your morning, wear long blousy clothing around spinny thingies.

I'm unfamiliar with Mia Wasikowski ('Edith Cushing'), but have no complaints. She was not a shrinking, nor shrieking violet.

Now, the Lady Sharpe, Loki's sister. I vaguely recognize the actress. This woman chews the scenery as if it was built by Wrigley's. That, with the Amy Lee cosplay, (a choice I applaud - if'n you gotta go full goth, goth the best)

make her a strong presence...
That they underutilized the shit out off.

Which brings us to the third act, where the movie derails. Another rather squicky subplot pops into being, leaDING TO?!

Nothing. Squat. Toecheese. And now I'm squicked. Why you do this to me jackass? Now I's cranky.

The ending is serviceable, you can tell what movie del Toro had on his hotel Spectravision when he conceived it, but again, just 5 minutes ago I was going 'bleah', you could have brought in lasers, starships that ignore little things like conservation of momentum, and boobs that wildly ignore the square-cube law, and I'd have still 'bleah'ed'.

Teh verdict?

See it at a matinee, or if your TV is sufficiently sufficient, Redbox. Qualified half-thumb up.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Live Blogging Packers-Chargers

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Morphodites and Platypi, we now have the Green Bay Packers hosting the San Diego 4H and Tanning Club.

Green Bay is favored, but always remember Uncle paleo's number one rule of watching the 2010s era Green Bay Packers - any team playing a Dom Capers coached defense is never out of the game. Bear in mind the Chargers have Antonio Gates back.

Look forward to very much cussy updates!

Kickoff Time, 3:28.
Not a good start, peckernecks.

12:20 in first quarter, according to the box score on-line, because PAYTON MANNING BLOWS GOATS AND PAPA JOHN SCHNATTER.

10:00 in first quarter: Dear CBS, you is severly kuting into my drinky time thing. Love, Johnny Football.

8:38, first quarter. Packers TD. paleo still watching J Manziel wishing he was a real boy. Also INTERCOURSE CBS.

6:00, first quarter. Game finally on telebision, throwback uniforms, and I have no drugs.

4:50, CBS announcer just commended Dom 'I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby' Capers. I still have no drugs.

Well, K, it don't sound right, but into the stands, James!
The following kickoff: Speaking tactically, Mr. Charger sir, I have never understood why anyone would take it out of 8 yards deep in the endzone unless it's the 4th and you're down, say 10 points. Otherwise, you end up on the, oh, your own 15. Idjit.

10:46, 2cd. Ballsy call on 4th and 3, I actually applaud it and am very surprised Gates didn't come up with hit, he's got hands. But excellent cover by Hyde, too.

6:48, 2cd. I really dislike settling for an FG after 1st down inside the 10. It's gonna bite us hard someday...

6:11, 2cd, FUMBLE, caused by Clinton Dix, recovered by Matthews, we needed this! And promptly showed our run blocking has a way to go...

End of the half - We got bit hard someday. The Zebras earned that Charger TD. What a bunch of shit. Need a drink and some popcorn...

Our goddamn defense should not have to stop BOTH the opposing offense and the ridiculous schemes of Dom 'The movie Crimson Peak is my autobiography' Capers.

From teh audience:

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:34 PM

Dom Capers is coming through again, making Rivers look like a good QB. FUCKINH TIED WHAT IS THIS SHIT??!?!?!!!?
paleo responds: It's a rare talent. Capersensory Perception. A man who can make a high school quarterback look like Joe Monfuckingtana.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:34 PM

Announcepantsers. are totally in the bag for the Chargers.
paleo responds: Not prepared to make that accusation, but can verify that they suck on ice.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:35 PM

Good thing I stocked up on bourbon...
paleo responds: As long as you don't have to be functional in the morning.

:46, 3rd Q. This has sucked. Now, Mr. Rodgers and the offense seem to have taken an interest in the game. It's time for Mike McCarthy to have Capers buried under the locker room and have ANYONE ELSE call the defensive formations. ANY ONE. Please, for fuck sake.

Umm. GAAAHHHH! in the 4th Q.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:18 PM

Who the fuck called a running play on 3rd and 19?
paleo responds: Probably DON Capers, the intern offensive coord

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:19 PM

yeah, punting ain't going to win this game. KEEP THAT FUCKING RIVERS OFF THE FIELD, CAPERS YOU DOUCHE-CANOE!!!

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:22 PM

Can you imagine how great the Packers would be doing if Rodgers would get the kind of protection that Rivers has?
paleo responds: Yes.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:35 PM

I hope paleo didn't stroke out...
paleo responds: The thought crossed my mind...


This is going to be a loooong fucking year.

Goodnight Gracie. Maybe some Doctor blogging later. Certainly some whiskey drinking.

Goddammit, bubba.

Two Brief Stories

I cannot yet comment on the Dom Caper Follies, kickoff's at 3:25 Central, or the Doctor, as Sweetie spent the night with her Girl Scout Troop, so we'll see the Doc tonight.
Actually, a touch of explanation is called for. We are childless, and at the stage of life where we is going to remain free of carpet squirrels. One set of our best friends has four children, all badly in need of restraints and lithium. Teh oldest female child, already 6' at 15, is a Girl Scout - we've bought cookies, QEmotherfuckingD. Her mother, one of Sweetie's closest friends, is the, I believe the term is 'troop leader'. Sweetie done got drafted.
Last night was the fall 'camp-in', where they shared s'mores and stories of cannibalism. I think. 

Herr Doktor Right Reverend Zombie has already commented on him falling out the back of a wardrobe and ending up in a Bourbon Haze in a state with 8,000 lakes (goddammit) and a massive

Jawa Sand Crawler taking shape on the east side of Minneapolis for some semipro sportsball team. (And briefly seriously, that was a great damn weekend! I fear he has acquired an expensive new habit, distilled finery...) I have one short story, outside of the Zombie/Snag whirlwind reaping, to add.

I'd been invited to see Blues Traveller at Mill City Nights, a local music club, and went. Sweetie played designated driver for three of us, my BIL and one of my twatting-introduced buddies.

We get to the club, and three good-sized, somewhat shaggy buggers pile out of an Equinox. Now, I frequently wear a dark brown felt fedora. Adventure hat I calls it. On a very good mental health day, I would refer to myself as stout, p'raps chunky. We start into the club, and a gentleman, seemingly homeless, or possibly severely polluted, mumbles up to us. Unable to sort out what he was saying to us, he started pushing a folder or photo at us. Confused, we say no thanks, boss, and head into the club.

Later in the club, I saw a guy looking somewhat like the dude out in the lot in the club, and the light hit me. Stout, fedora, at Mills City - little dude thought I was John Popper! Not sure how to feel about that, but I'm pretty sure I'm right...

This week I was offered a job/promotion. I had two days of meetings with the hiring manager for the position, as he was at our site, and our preventive maintenance program is to become the standard across the company's data center management portfolio. I run our PM program, and although I tend to be loathe to blow my own horn, I am really good at my job.

While bullshitting at lunch, he  said something about DC ops managers, and I said, somewhat joking, do you have any openings? He said yes, and after working with me for two days, he was prepared to offer me the position. And "I'm serious. Talk to your wife!" Middle of nowhere, New Brunswick, Canada. N-i-i-i-i-c-c-c-e.

Well, of course, we talked about it, and although she was not as enthused as I, she was open to it, but after discussing some things, she brought up family issues I hadn't thought of, that truly prevent us from getting that far away from the midwest for the forseeable future. I spoke to the gentleman the next morning and told him I would be unable to look at it. Now, I hadn't even asked him anything, really, about the job, so it may have not been a fit anyhow, but I cannot deny the location and the title were not an awful lot of what I like... Eh, it is what it is, I have a good life and good friends here, and other opportunities will happen.

Coming up shortly, Live-Blogging the Packers Chargers!

Monday, September 28, 2015

Live-Blogging Packers Monday Night Football

Okay, kiddies, coming up on the game!

My Sweetie and I are watching Saturday's Doctor Who and eating taco salad, getting ready for the game - there may be some comments on the Doc, as I continue to swing wildly on the fence about Oswin.

The Packers, with Aaron Rodgers, clearly one of the two-three top QBs right now, and I'd say number one but I'm biased, should win going away, he says as he starts to eat his own liver. No team should ever be counted out when playing a Dom Capers defense. When they invent soylent green, start with Capers.

To be continued...

End of First Quarter:

Okay, between one thing and another, missed the first quarter. I am not sure which of us loves Missy more, me or Sweetie.

Stats look amazing, and the pass to James Jones for 19 looked like a great play, well placed ball!

8:21 Fourth and 5 and we're going for it. Not a terrible call, long damn kick for Crosby, who has at least shown flashes of consistency this year again, but Bakhtiari got beat like a red-headed stepchild.

8:26 Dom Fucking Capers strikes again. Trying to determine what dumbass cornerback went after Charles low, he needs to join Capers in the Soylent mixer.

8:30 Although it must be said that it appears Capers coaches the Chief's secondary too.

8:37 For the love of goddammit, could someone please pass block?

8:41 John Gruden blows goats.
I'm not kidding. His wonderfully mumblemouthed performance can only be a result of goat peen.

8:56 I'm not sure which one us loves Aaron Rodgers more, me or Sweetie. Although I am less likely to attempt to bone him.

Solid lead at halftime. Now for Dom Capers to destroy what's left of my stomach lining, and Berman to thoroughly fellate Rapistburger.

9:30 Good defensive stand. Capers has clearly been kidnapped by gnomes. Hopefully eaten.

The damn foot is not only off the gas, it went gangrenous and is now a damn stub. Sloppy, sloppy!

9:45 Very athletic play by Shields. Gruden calling for a late hit flag on Matthews just shows he could not be trusted to make instant pudding. And I knew the play was designed for Cobb over the middle, and I'm a fat drunk guy wearing a Rodgers jersey in the hopes my Sweetie will be confused and want to bone me.

The referees are being paid by the call. The linesman just bought a gold-plated hooker.

9:56 Capers has dragged his partially gnome-digested body back into the coaches' box and called for a fold defense.

Okay, I'm relaxing a little. And how in the hell did anyone not shadow Cobb? I mean, good for me, but holy shit someone blew an assignment.

10:21 Yeah, the call against Clinton-Dix was crap, but so was that defensive series.

Have to finish the stupid games! And we can't have our defense fighting both the offense and our defensive scheme. Matthews has to be exhausted, and Peppers right behind him.

This may be a long, long fucking year. We've made Alex Goddamn Smith look like Johnny Unitas. I'll take the win, but we suck, have got to shape up...

Up too late for this shit. G'nite all.


Monday, September 21, 2015

An Open Letter To Gov. 'Bobby' Jindal

Mr. Grain at MockPaperScissors found this choice bit of morongravy from one Gov. 'Bobby' Jindal:
“If you can find me a Muslim candidate who is a Republican, who will fight hard to protect religious liberty, who will respect the Judeo-Christian heritage of America, who will be committed to destroying ISIS and radical Islam, who will condemn cultures that treat women as second class citizens and who will place their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution, then yes, I will be happy to consider voting for him or her. If you can’t, I’ll settle for voting for a Christian Governor from Louisiana.”
I responded there, and want to share with my enormous, well, what's the singular of audience, here.

Dear Pi,

If you can find me a Muslim candidate who is a Republican
"In the 2000 election, approximately 70 percent of Muslims in America voted for Bush; among non-African-American Muslims, the ratio was over 80 percent." Wha' happened?

who will fight hard to protect religious liberty
The irony drips off of this loonicidal linky-doo like, something viscous and suchlike. It'd be amazing to hear a Jesus fellator, well, really, a Paul salad tosser, come out in favor of religious liberty.

who will be committed to destroying ISIS
Umm, fucking EYE-Ran?

who will condemn cultures that treat women as second class citizens
Hey, I hate the fucking Duggars too. I can Haz Air Force 1 nao?

who will place their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution
Yes, Teh Constitution which requires no religious test. You've broken stupidity as a concept.

I will be happy to consider voting for him or her. If you can’t, I’ll settle for voting for a Christian Governor from Louisiana.

Pi, babe. Please. Listen to me.
You're not going to be president. Or vice president. Or get a cabinet post any more visible than, say Sec'y of Commerce. Not only are you a nobody, the base hates you. They do. My aunts and uncles, retired all, mostly stinking wealthy, republicans all, hate you because of the color of your skin, and no faded official painting in the Guv's mansion will change that.

You are not going to be going anywhere. So, please, for the sake of your own, fucking!, self-esteem, stop. And shut up.

You're the governor of Louisiana. Many historical LA guvs have ridden that grift train to wealth, serious local fame, hot and cold running scotch, and hot and hotter running vag. Enjoy what you have, dude.