Saturday, April 19, 2014

If The Nuns Could See Me Now

Yay, it's Easter Eve!

At midnight, teh babby Jesus travels the world in his magical cart, drawn by 8 tiny rabbits and a beagle if I remember my miffology*, with the hole under the seat so he can lay eggs and M&Ms for good children all around the world as long as they are not heathens, who should be droned, but at the very least will burn in lakes of sulfur for eternity because love...

It will also be the end of Lent, and I must say I'm thrilled, bursting with pride, that I have lived up to my resolution of not going to bed sober for 6 weeks. Alas, all good thingies must end, but this one will be tough...

Traffic to work yesterday was brilliant, open roads, odd because the TwinCities commuting scene, while not as stabbishly universally recognized as say, LA, can suck econo. Curious... Oh wait, everything shuts down for a Christian holiday. Wall Street closed. Can you imagine that collection of coke-fueled monsters closing for Diwali? People at my place of work have the right to take off Good Friday. I clearly need religion. Persecuted christians my dimpled genitalia.

Just as an illustration of how amazingly cool and attractive Christianity is, when they were trying to impose their bullshit, they would Borg the area festivals and retcon some bits to appease the local population. Hence, a baby born surrounded by sheep shit, more or less the common experience of shepherds, gets flowered up with pine trees and a fabulously generous, alcoholic, probable diabetic, old dude with a habit of dressing flash. For Easter, instead of

"Jesus Fucking Christ! ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! Whoah, dude, how long you been buried?!? Febreze or something, man!"

becomes painting eggs, treasure hunts, and CHOCOLATE!!!

The world is going to hell in an Easter basket.


* And yes, the greatest philosopher of the 20th century, barring maybe Theodore Geisel, is Charles Schultz. If you disagree, you are tragically wrong.
_______________________________

Just a few brief bits of news, as my posting habitrail has been next to non-existent.

July 29, the day before my birfday, Barenaked Ladies in Sioux Falls SD. Little goddam far to drive, 4 and a half hours, but my favorite band ever and suchlike, and probably sack out in Nebraska with teh in-laws.

This is Jaxson now, about 55#, likely to become a touch heavier but not probably expand much more. Density, etc. An issue there is that he can already kick my ass, which is a thing because I occasionally has to remind him who is alpha dog.
I love my doofuspuppy!!!

2 more weekends of overnight Saturday preventive maintenance and I ain'tn't got diddly until September. Therefore, fish, feel threatened. Imma personally endanger yer asses.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

I Could Be Famous And Evil If I Had No Moral Structure, Too!

I love Wisconsin. I'm from western WI, and spent much of my life in Badgerland. I know everywhere to hunt and fish, the best camping, breweries, strip clubs. Friends and family throughout the state, Eau Claire, La Crosse, Hayward, Janesville, Madison (80 square miles surrounded by reality), Milwaukee. Home of ghosts and beasties, Ridgeway, the Beast Of Bray Road, Elmwood, Cashton, Crex Meadows. This is why is hurts so much to see the quality of Wisconsin politicians.

La Crosse, where I grew up, has a history of wishy-washy centrists, the mayors I grew up with (primarily Patrick Zielke) being blandly business/COC/Elks Club friendly, up to the congressional level, with the current congressman, Ron Kind, being a damnable Blue Dog, and the prior, Steve Gunderson, a moderate (when there use to be such a thing) Republican.
At the state level, Herb Kohl, nominally Democratic but treated the Senate seat as his due, as the inevitable end game to his wealth, and then did NO-THING with it. Thomas Thompson, Tommy to his masters, far and away the dumbest sibling of an otherwise rather successful family. Ron Johnson, who took Feingold's seat in the 2010 debacle (please vote!, bitches!!!), gleeful teabagger, got schooled by Hillary Clinton. And finally, Paulie (Pecs) Ryan, famed fabricator, took social security while belonging to one of Wisconsin's successful business families, who incidentally made much of the family money via government contract - while calling us lesser folks, who might be relying on a pension or social security, 'moochers'.* 

I bring Roidboy up last, as he has been in the news for his CPAC experiences, primarily his speech and LIES!!!!!! about a brown bag lunch
I want to focus on one line from that pile of shit.
"People don't just want a life of comfort--they want a life of dignity."
First of all, no shit. Ass. But also, hey, who has been hell bent on taking away that dignity, for years?! Who is calling the poor 'takers', 'looters', suggesting that those who do not have property should have the franchise taken away from them? Who suggested that working three jobs to make ends meet is 'uniquely american'? (And by the way, Georgie, suck on a tailpipe.) Who blamed inner city issues (whoa, my puppy's ear just perked up. What the hell?) on a lack of work ethic, justified by the 'studies' of Charles Murray?**

It's you, Paulie, you and your co-hoard, claiming that those what ain't got much ain't got pride, that if you ain't got none you didn't deserve none. Good Catholic St. Paulie who ordered a soup kitchen to re-open so he could photo-op his way into the hearts of americans. You're a genuinely horrible person, P-Ry. Lying about marathons, about the 14'ers.**** You got yours, fuck everyone else. Forcing your staffers to read the completely inadequate book (but excellent building materiel) Atlas Shrugged. You never watched Diff'rent Strokes because it was too racially provocative. You. Are. A Weed.

UPDATE: ARE YOU STINKING KIDDING ME? Scott Fitzgerald, Senate Majority leader of WI, blocks a bill to benefit to cancer patients, treating oral cancer meds the same as intravenous treatments, potentially saving patients', well, everything. Shocker - Fitzie's brother is a pharmaceutical lobbyist. My beloved Wisconsin, why are you not running these assholes out of state with pitchforks!?!?!


*FYI, I don't care that he took survivors benefits, he was entitled (SWIDT!) to the benefits his father had earned. But he's a hypocrite and proven public liar.
**Oh, wait, that one was Paulie. Who then claimed he was speaking inarticulately.***
***This is inarticulate. 


Paulie just slipped and spoke his mind.

****From the Gawker article,
Paul Ryan was at the very first Train show.
 What a beautiful way to say "douchebag".

Monday, March 10, 2014

In Which paleo Is Bugged And Wishes To Stand On A Soap Box For A Few Minnows

The other day I was shooting the shit with an acquaintance. He’s in most ways a genuinely decent guy, devoted family guy, outdoorsman, stand-up type, I’d have no issue trusting him.

You are hearing a ‘but’.

But, he is very conservative. Constitution/Libertarian party. He knows I am a raging liberal, and we try to avoid politics. The exchange the other day was, inadvertently, my fault. I was laughing at news from CPAC when I ran into him, Paul Ryan lying his ass off about liberal parents and brown bag lunches.

(all quotes are paraphrases, best I can, and making me look fantastic and smarter than I am)

Naturally, he was curious. Then defensive. Big Lyin’ Ryan fan. “Oh, those are liberal sites.”

Wevs. PaulieDude has already apolo-lied, and liberally spread the blame with a bit of a perimeter around himself.

Then “you got your liberal president, and Hillary Clinton running the next time”. Followed by me metaphorically beating my head against a wall – “Bullshit. I voted for Obama, and occasionally like the guy. He is not a liberal, by any stretch. Clinton is not a liberal by any stretch. I’d kill to vote for a liberal.” “Obama is the most socialist president we’ve ever had-” “Again, bullshit. I’m a socialist. Obama is a lite republican on a good day. I voted for him because the alternatives by the time of the general campaign, Romney and McCain&Palin, or any republican clown, were too horrifying to contemplate. I am a liberal. I like freedom, dammit.”

This surprised him a bit. “Freedom?”

“Yeah. You cannot be a republican and believe in freedom.”

“Well, what do you mean by that?”

I terminated the conversation at that point, no upside for me to be engaging in open political warfare with this dude, and besides his dreadfully confused political views, I like the guy.

What I would say given the choice, however?

The United States as a whole is far and away the wealthiest country on earth. (And as I was writing that I started to spell “company”, which is the clear goal of the CPACBaggers. Paging Doc Freud?)

We can afford health care, unencumbered by profit corporations and the real death panels, and the whims of religious sociopaths who don’t believe in the science that gave them their jobs as pharmacists and doctors. Under most circumstances, a bankruptcy due to medical costs is a sign of a morally bankrupt society. You want innovation? Take some guy, formally educated or just interested in a topic, thoughtful, who needs to keep a full time pathetic-wage job to keep insurance, or several full-time minimum-wage jobs to afford insurance, and give him a chance to invent, create, play, learn, and you’ll see some damned innovation.

We can afford infrastructure. This may be the only crisis in the United States greater than the health care crisis. (In neither instance do I use ‘crisis’ lightly.) More and more people cannot trust their fucking TAP WATER. The way-y-y-y too many being poisoned by corporations (who, if they are ‘people’, need some damn jail time) are a drop compared to the number of people whose city water supply and sewage disposal are more and more sharing the same waterways. The people driving to work about to do the Minnesota Shuffle on some bridge that has been condemned for 30 years. The schools that don’t really need a new Vikings stadium so much as having the asbestos removed, and perhaps some environmental controls, hell, a window air conditioner if nothing else. Freedom from fuckin’ TB, for chrissakes.

We can afford education. I would dispute that schools are necessarily top heavy in personnel, as many of the ‘vice principals in charge of fryer oil’ go by other titles as well, such as 5th grade social studies teachers and maybe see another $500 a year for that principleship. Teachers are trained and educated and need to be paid like it, and worked a helluva lot harder in college than some damn cookie-cutter frat-fuck MBA. We can afford gym class and arts education – if something has to go due to budget constraints, might I suggest the league sports, waste of time and space. Teach the kids. If the NFL wants a farm system, let them pay for it. Freedom to have a chance. It’s not a hard calculation to do.

We can afford basic nutrition, especially for our neediest, kids, the elderly. The lunchroom admin in Utah who threw away kids lunches needs to be beaten a lot. The MN legislators who applauded and cheered after cutting Meals On Wheels in MN need to be beaten with the lunchroom admin from Utah. And yes, there are healthy adults who, from no fault of their own, who need and deserve food. And yes yes, there are healthy adults who, from fault of their own, need and deserve food. Yeah, there can be conditions, but those conditions must start with feeding the people. Then job training, then job help, then education help. I don’t care that Marcus Bachmann complains that it will cut into his brie and KY budget for his Thursday poker nights, because first of all, he’s lying, and second of all, he’s really lying. Again, you want to see innovation? Take some kid who’s a damn genius but can’t think at school because the cheapest way to get him breakfast is ramen, and turn him loose with some energy, let him thunk about learnin’ as opposed to how many days in a row he’s had Corn King hot dogs for supper. Freedom from suffering. Life can be hard, life can occasionally be cruel. But we don’t need to increase the cruelty, and we can afford to assuage it somewhat. Read the RED WORDS, conservatives.

Women are different from men. Yep. Also, men are different from men. Women are different from women. And, some men and women are similar. Take your gender bullshit and shove it up your gender-specific orifice, righties. Women get birth control covered. Women get to control their bodies, including the choice to terminate a pregnancy, and the choice to keep a pregnancy, and don’t you ever minimize their agency. If she wants to be a housewife, good for her. If she wants to be a CEO, good for her, and beat, with the MN legislators who applauded and cheered after cutting Meals On Wheels in MN, anyone trying to obstruct her way to either destination.

There are people who are not white men, and not only are they not like white men, they are sometimes not like each other. And, sometimes, they are like white men. Or act as a bloc because they are like each other. So fucking what. Let them pick their own destination and shut the hell up.

Never be under the illusion that a corporation gives a damn about the United States, you, their own grandmothers (They're people right? Must have grannies.) The owe your community a return on the commons provided that allows them to make money. Don't poison people. Don't run your workers through a bandsaw. A little community investment wouldn't suck. The commons owes them infrastructure in return, roads, cops, educated workforce. All they owe you is a fair day’s pay for a fair day’s work. All you owe them is a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay. Either of you may negotiate terms, both of you must live up to agreed terms. The best way to do this is the union structure, with healthy government enforcement, but I’ll listen to other ideas. Just in my own experience, unions are the proven way. Some unions need internal cleanup, some quite a bit of cleanup, they are made of people, same as soylent green, but that is yet another reason for workers to get organized and get active. Most corporations are completely corrupted by greed, need extensive internal cleanup, and are incapable of it. They must be brought to heel by the consumer, as an individual entity, and as a commons represented by government, and the workforce.

Eh, maybe 7 cents worth of dimestore philosophy, but I wanted to write it. There’s more, but it frequently involves Sasquatches and a mild messianic complex, so I’ll leave it there.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

The Minnesota Family Council, Proudly Protecting Sphincters Since the Black Guy Got In The White House, Cries HAVOC! And Let Mah Special Snowflake Killim A Queer

My favorite group of Krusaders is Krying and Kicking their feets because the State of Minnesota has dared to be attentive to a need of its citizens. In an attempt to stop the bullying that led to the suicide deaths of several kids in the last couple of years (warning – reading this article will make me want to choke the living shit out of every asshole in the MFC) (you may remember Michele Bachmann saying nothing at all about a cluster of deaths in the largest school district in her congressional district, yay Batshit Shely!), and against ferocious resistance from Minnesota Christians, delaying the bill entirely too long, the Minnesota state Senate is preparing to take up an anti-bullying bill.

I am on the Cowards Against Colon Caressing mailing list - sometimes my blood pressure gets low, but like an answer to a prayer, I can always count on them to send out something so pathetically paranoid and stupid as jack that shit right back into the stratosphere. Let’s unpack this a touch, I don’t have a real talent for fisking* but lemme try.

IMPORTANT ACTION ALERT:
GNOMEAGGEDON!!! BENYAHTZEE! WHAT?!! WHAT!?!

The Bullying Bill (H.F. 826) will be heard in the Senate Finance Committee Thursday morning!
Whew. Good news, I’m pleased, I wasn’t going to go full prepper due to the alert, but this bill has got to be finally more or less a slam dun-

The time to act is NOW to stop this bill that will harm our children, keep parents in the dark, and undermine our schools' ability to do what is best for our kids! 
 -the fuck? So this is gonna be one of the 300/190 mornings?

So why is a bill that claims to make schools safe from bullying such a bad bill, and why should I care? 

Oh yes. Enlighten me and stuff. Allow me to fetch my pearls and vapor thingie. P’raps a couch. 4 grams of happy shrooms. To the Gaggle. And such.

1. The bill does NOT protect ALL students from bullying.

Any serious effort to protect children from bullying must be an effort to protect ALL children. Singling out certain "types" of children as "worthy" of protection is NOT the right approach. 

readreadread Damned if they’re not right. This is all disabilities, lgbt, minority, cyberbullying, looks like white quarterbacks driving dad’s old beemer are fair game! (takes off sunglasses - YYYEEEEAAAAAHHHH!)

2. The bill leaves parents in the dark.

A genuine effort to protect children from bullying should require that parents be notified if their child is bullied or accused of bullying. Parents have a right to know.

“Parents In The Dark”. Izzat what “notifying the parent of the reported target of the prohibited conduct, the parent of the actor engaged in the prohibited conduct…” means? Whoodathunkt, wow.


3. The bill defines "bullying" so broadly that children can be punished for merely "offending" someone by expressing a belief or opinion. 
An appropriate approach to addressing bullying clearly defines the prohibited behavior so kids know what they can be punished for, and ENCOURAGES the respectful sharing of differing ideas, opinions, and beliefs since an atmosphere of understanding will truly prevent bullying. 

Really, are you jesusliars dense or just really bad at creative paraphrasing? I ain’t’nt even gonna snark at this. You want your precious little cabbage to be able to parrot any damn thing he wants, right?, ‘cuz first amendment, but without repercussions, ‘cuz assholes. Let me try a syllogism on you, bubba. Umm,

IF Jesus, THEN you’re getting yer ass whupped at the Pearlys because you are a selfish sociopathic git.


4. The bill defines bullying so broadly that it will require teachers to regulate children's words and conduct 24/7, 365 days a year.

Teachers have limited academic time with our kids. An effective bullying approach does not require teachers to monitor what kids are saying online when they're not at school or a school event, or during the summer. This is an incredible requirement for teachers and a vast overreach of school authority into our homes. 

I repeat, really, are you jesusliars dense or just really bad at creative paraphrasing? Here, they are referring to cyberbullying, done either at school or from home, and if teachers hear of it, they have a responsibility to intervene. (Lord knows you good Christians won’t. “Good job Chip! Judge that fa**ot!” You people really make me ill, monsters, all of you.) Cyberbullying is neither a new phenomenon, nor a quiet little corner of the internet, so your phraseology for #4 is really goddam disingenuous. Seriously, you make me physically ill.


5. The bill is a top-down, unfunded $20M mandate that would be forced on all our schools, regardless of whether or not school districts, teachers, parents and students have already worked together to create a good bullying policy that works for that district. 
A legitimate approach to bullying doesn't bring in schools, teachers, and parents LAST--it includes them at the very beginning and doesn't try to force a one-size-fits all policy on all students and schools. School districts in Owatonna are unique from districts in Minneapolis that are unique from districts in New Ulm. The right approach to bullying lets schools, teachers and parents lead on this issue without strapping them with an at least $20M unfunded annual mandate.

Yep, heavens, these school districts are so unique, and the MFC is truly… Screw jokes. What are they actually saying?

  • Owatonna. Whitechristianrural.
  • Minneapolis. Welfaremoochingduskyhuedgangbangers
  • New Ulm. Whitechristianrural.
Let’s try some others!
  • Park Rapids. Whitechristianrural.
  • Two Harbors. Whitechristianrural.
  • Rochester. WhitechristianexceptforsomedoctorswithdotsontheirheadsdidyouhearwhatIsaidhoneydotsheeheehee.
Yep. Salt of the earth. Morons.
Just kindly go off somewhere and beat yourself about the head and neck for while, the adults are trying to fix things here, you dickweeds. By the way, unfunded mandate? Well then, by FSM, the tax breaks your little cults get are coming out of my pocket and I’d like it back now. There is a food bank, couple shelters, civil rights orgs, I’d like to give it to, they are all amazingly better organizations, and people, than you.

*This poor attempt at fisking inspired by Cerb at S,N! Well, more accurately, the style is blatantly appropriated. Full credit due and stuff.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Just For The Record

"Girl, you're a hot blooded woman child, and it's warm where you're touchin' me"

IS. CREEPY. AS. SHIT.
I like 70's cheese, not ashamed to say it, but damn, is that line pedoriffic.

Holy fuckin' hannah, a blog post. 'K, not so much, but better than I've done for a while or at all for 2 barking months.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Could This Be It For The New Jersey Gnawer?

First of all, we'll see what Christie is made of, how good a politician he is. The standard has got to be the Big Dog, Bill Clinton, who weathered a semen stained dress and an impeachment and came out be-loved. Or even Dick Cheney, (somewhere in hell, Stalin is saying "Jesus Christ, I can't match that!"), who co-opted the presidential run and administration of an idiot and became, for maybe 5 years, the most powerful man in the world. This while the Secret Service scoured the globe for only the purest unicorn-riding virgin, that Dickey could have a heart powerful enough to not be destroyed by the bile in his veins.

Christie's POTUS run has taken a hard setback for a general election, but he has impressed and made some points with Republican primary voters, who love nothing better than other people's suffering.

This post is not about the Big Chicken, however.

Bridget Anne Kelly, welcome to the big time! You ain't'nt ready yet.

There is a reason you were only deputy chief of staff, ma'am. 3 syllabubs. Pa-per-trail.

In most American state and federal administrations, the chief of staff is the power behind the throne. The COS decides who gets to see the Executive, what information goes to the Executive, tells the Executive when he can boink his wife, all while staying under the radar. Dick Cheney was an outlier, the VP, not the COS, but still basically served that purpose for President Bunnypajamas. Chiefs of staff do not leave paper trails. Cheney didn't even leave a paper trail in the toilet. Something like Bridgeghazigate, a good COS has found someone way down the line to fall on a sword, presumably for some sweet, sweet wingnut welfare, so this nonsense cannot get within the same zip code as the Executive, or the COS.

I don't feel sorry for you, Bridget.

I am a partisan, I enjoy seeing republican filth get busted. Bridgegateghazi was pathetic as far as retribution goes (you killed an old woman, you ass! Get out your checkbook and your children's college funds!), full of Sopranos cosplay.

I don't feel sorry for you because you are clearly playing way out of your league, and may be the dumbest person in New Jersey. Even Snooki doesn't leave a paper trail. (I think. I, and close to everyone else in America, know who she is, but I haven't seen the show, and am not really inclined thusly.)

I don't feel sorry for you because you'll be working for Fox next week, for 5 times the salary of a DCOS. Fuck.

Going fishing.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Open Letter To Morning Grind, AM950, MN's Progressive Radio - War On Sasquatch Edition

Morning drive time radio again. Matt McNeil, guest host Kate Tracy, producer William Wonderful - this is my show. I'm not a daily call-in, but fairly often.

Ok, 2cd amendment stuff, Obamacare, my progressive fervor mounts!

Ooof, derp, the dumbass Texas-hunter-kills-Bigfoot story. What fresh hell will this be?...Wow. Well, open letter time.

Mr. McNeil, Mr. Wonderful, Mrs. Tracy (No, you don't get out of this.):

You are trolling me, dudes. I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Let's try this from another angle.

There are many oddball, near impossible creatures in nature.

  • Platypusses
  • Nancy Grace
  • My dog, all 40 pounds of whom is trying to sit on my chest, and who ate my favorite Packer hat yesterday. After I'm confident he has learned sit and stay, we'll have to work on the Lombardi Era.
Zoologically speaking, and comparatively, I believe that the possibility of Bigfoot existing is a rather reasonable hypothesis.

As far as the Dyar story and picture, let me preface by saying everything is bigger in Texas, especially the idiots. Upon review of the story, he shot something hairy, chasing after meat in the woods, in the South, I believe what he has there, is ...

Phil Robertson.

Now, I say to you good day. GOOD DAY SIR!!

Love, paleotectonics