Open Packer Thread On A Phone? This May Suck But It's Stuff

Hrmph. 

Game starts at 7:30, Packers-Queens. So, predictions. 

In the new goddamn Sand-Crawler Stadium, which is why this game will be closer than is necessarily comfortable, teh Home Opener©®™ of the new money pit. Packers 23 - MN 20. 

Sam Bradford has a strong accurate arm, brains of tapioca, and a receiving corps that could be shut down by a Div. II high school. Should be weird. 

Sweetie will waggle her fingers at Rodgers as if he will notice through the TV, leave the field, drive the 3 miles to my house and take her away from a life of endless paleononsense. Protip: he won't. Second protip: no, he's not cute either.  

Imma be back on here at about 7. Probably have to do this as a comment thing. TTFN!

Ok, You Bastards, Practice Starts Tomorrow

In response to correspondence with teh Zombie, regarding the end of the football season.

Yes, end of the football season. I were born and raised in Wisconsin, and despite my growing hatred of the NFL Inc. and existing blind rage at the fact that the NCAA is allowed to exist without hard-wired collars reminding them when they are being jackasses, although the electricity bills may bankrupt the nation. Where was I? Dangling clauses, apparently.

Oh, yes, so, I need the Pack and the Badgers to do well. But, once their seasons are over, I no longer give a shit about their respective leagues. I don't know or care who won the college football championship, and I won't see another NFL game. Even the Super Bowl. 

"Ohhh, but paleo, teh commercials!" 

a.) Like I have money. 

2.) Who gives a great goddammit.

So, I had to work during the Packers-Cardinals game, and only saw, live, the Jeff Janis hail mary TD reception, and then Larry Fitzgerald Jr. making Dom Capers look like he was auditioning for Dumbest and Dumbester.

I saw McCarthy yesterday tell Eddie Lacy to get the hell back in shape. 

As an aside (I know, me?), the comments on that SBNation post included one to the extent of "Lacy may be fat but I bet he could make a 27 yard field goal", which I, of course, found quite humorly, while at the same time thinking any MN fan who blames that loss on Blair Walsh is a jackass, the rest of the Queens put him in that position by shitting the bed in the 4th quarter... 

The Packers so need Jordy Nelson (WR) back on the field, and also need a complementary wide out. Randall Cobb (WR, SR, occasional RB) is good, very good, in the slot, but I'm not impressed with him outside. David Bakhtiari (Sieve, Penalty Machine, theoretically an Offensive Lineman. Got the 'offensive' part right.) needs to be sent along with Capers to hell.

Imma not primal scream, but we have work to do.

At the same time, Bob (AKA 'Lips' to Roger 'How Can I Help You, Mr. Kraft' Goodell, Jerry Jones, Dan Snyder, et al.) Costas needs to be buried under Capers and Bakhtiari - one cannot help but feel that sports broadcasters, presumably at the behest of teams with owners, want GB to fail as a franchise because an ostensibly publicly-owned entity that will be staying in place makes slapnuts like Szigymund Wilf and Stan Kroenke look like the criminally greedy grubfuckers they are. 

And Costas is an admitted ewok-fondler. Probably.

Fuggit.

Post Script: I have friends, and they're not well.

@paleotectonics @********* @************ @************ @******** you forgot Costas' eyeball STD that he got from foundling Russian ewoks

— Allen Fisher (@************) January 19, 2016

Live Blogging Packers-Chargers

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Morphodites and Platypi, we now have the Green Bay Packers hosting the San Diego 4H and Tanning Club.

Green Bay is favored, but always remember Uncle paleo's number one rule of watching the 2010s era Green Bay Packers - any team playing a Dom Capers coached defense is never out of the game. Bear in mind the Chargers have Antonio Gates back.

Look forward to very much cussy updates!

Kickoff Time, 3:28.
THE NFL, IN ALL THEIR GLORIOUS WISDOM, HAS DICTATED CBS AIR A TALE OF TWO, WELL, THREE, WASHED UP QUARTERBACKS. FUCKING PAYTON, MCCOWN, AND ALKY MANZIEL.
INTERCOURSE THE NFL.
Not a good start, peckernecks.

12:20 in first quarter, according to the box score on-line, because PAYTON MANNING BLOWS GOATS AND PAPA JOHN SCHNATTER.

10:00 in first quarter: Dear CBS, you is severly kuting into my drinky time thing. Love, Johnny Football.

8:38, first quarter. Packers TD. paleo still watching J Manziel wishing he was a real boy. Also INTERCOURSE CBS.

6:00, first quarter. Game finally on telebision, throwback uniforms, and I have no drugs.

4:50, CBS announcer just commended Dom 'I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby' Capers. I still have no drugs.

1:51, A BLUE AND YELLOW STREAK DOWN TEH FIELD!!
Well, K, it don't sound right, but into the stands, James!
The following kickoff: Speaking tactically, Mr. Charger sir, I have never understood why anyone would take it out of 8 yards deep in the endzone unless it's the 4th and you're down, say 10 points. Otherwise, you end up on the, oh, your own 15. Idjit.

10:46, 2cd. Ballsy call on 4th and 3, I actually applaud it and am very surprised Gates didn't come up with hit, he's got hands. But excellent cover by Hyde, too.

6:48, 2cd. I really dislike settling for an FG after 1st down inside the 10. It's gonna bite us hard someday...

6:11, 2cd, FUMBLE, caused by Clinton Dix, recovered by Matthews, we needed this! And promptly showed our run blocking has a way to go...

End of the half - We got bit hard someday. The Zebras earned that Charger TD. What a bunch of shit. Need a drink and some popcorn...

Our goddamn defense should not have to stop BOTH the opposing offense and the ridiculous schemes of Dom 'The movie Crimson Peak is my autobiography' Capers.

From teh audience:

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:34 PM

Dom Capers is coming through again, making Rivers look like a good QB. FUCKINH TIED WHAT IS THIS SHIT??!?!?!!!?
paleo responds: It's a rare talent. Capersensory Perception. A man who can make a high school quarterback look like Joe Monfuckingtana.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:34 PM

Announcepantsers. are totally in the bag for the Chargers.
paleo responds: Not prepared to make that accusation, but can verify that they suck on ice.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:35 PM

Good thing I stocked up on bourbon...
paleo responds: As long as you don't have to be functional in the morning.

:46, 3rd Q. This has sucked. Now, Mr. Rodgers and the offense seem to have taken an interest in the game. It's time for Mike McCarthy to have Capers buried under the locker room and have ANYONE ELSE call the defensive formations. ANY ONE. Please, for fuck sake.

Umm. GAAAHHHH! in the 4th Q.


zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:18 PM

Who the fuck called a running play on 3rd and 19?

paleo responds: Probably DON Capers, the intern offensive coord


zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:19 PM

yeah, punting ain't going to win this game. KEEP THAT FUCKING RIVERS OFF THE FIELD, CAPERS YOU DOUCHE-CANOE!!!


zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:22 PM

Can you imagine how great the Packers would be doing if Rodgers would get the kind of protection that Rivers has?

paleo responds: Yes.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:35 PM

I hope paleo didn't stroke out...

paleo responds: The thought crossed my mind...

END OF GAME: STROKING OUT NOW!!!!

This is going to be a loooong fucking year.

Goodnight Gracie. Maybe some Doctor blogging later. Certainly some whiskey drinking.

Goddammit, bubba.

Live-Blogging Packers Monday Night Football

Okay, kiddies, coming up on the game!

My Sweetie and I are watching Saturday's Doctor Who and eating taco salad, getting ready for the game - there may be some comments on the Doc, as I continue to swing wildly on the fence about Oswin.

The Packers, with Aaron Rodgers, clearly one of the two-three top QBs right now, and I'd say number one but I'm biased, should win going away, he says as he starts to eat his own liver. No team should ever be counted out when playing a Dom Capers defense. When they invent soylent green, start with Capers.

To be continued...

End of First Quarter:

Okay, between one thing and another, missed the first quarter. I am not sure which of us loves Missy more, me or Sweetie.

Stats look amazing, and the pass to James Jones for 19 looked like a great play, well placed ball!

8:21 Fourth and 5 and we're going for it. Not a terrible call, long damn kick for Crosby, who has at least shown flashes of consistency this year again, but Bakhtiari got beat like a red-headed stepchild.

8:26 Dom Fucking Capers strikes again. Trying to determine what dumbass cornerback went after Charles low, he needs to join Capers in the Soylent mixer.

8:30 Although it must be said that it appears Capers coaches the Chief's secondary too.

8:37 For the love of goddammit, could someone please pass block?

8:41 John Gruden blows goats.
I'm not kidding. His wonderfully mumblemouthed performance can only be a result of goat peen.

8:56 I'm not sure which one us loves Aaron Rodgers more, me or Sweetie. Although I am less likely to attempt to bone him.

Solid lead at halftime. Now for Dom Capers to destroy what's left of my stomach lining, and Berman to thoroughly fellate Rapistburger.

9:30 Good defensive stand. Capers has clearly been kidnapped by gnomes. Hopefully eaten.

The damn foot is not only off the gas, it went gangrenous and is now a damn stub. Sloppy, sloppy!

9:45 Very athletic play by Shields. Gruden calling for a late hit flag on Matthews just shows he could not be trusted to make instant pudding. And I knew the play was designed for Cobb over the middle, and I'm a fat drunk guy wearing a Rodgers jersey in the hopes my Sweetie will be confused and want to bone me.

The referees are being paid by the call. The linesman just bought a gold-plated hooker.

9:56 Capers has dragged his partially gnome-digested body back into the coaches' box and called for a fold defense.

Okay, I'm relaxing a little. And how in the hell did anyone not shadow Cobb? I mean, good for me, but holy shit someone blew an assignment.

10:21 Yeah, the call against Clinton-Dix was crap, but so was that defensive series.

Have to finish the stupid games! And we can't have our defense fighting both the offense and our defensive scheme. Matthews has to be exhausted, and Peppers right behind him.

This may be a long, long fucking year. We've made Alex Goddamn Smith look like Johnny Unitas. I'll take the win, but we suck, have got to shape up...

Up too late for this shit. G'nite all.

JUST A GODDAM MINUTE - THE MVP OF THE GAME IS THE 'GRUDEN GRINDER'?!?! DON"T ANY OF THESE USELESS PECKERNECKS HAVE GOOGLE?!?!?

On To The Championship Game

We played well enough to win. Particularly on the offensive side of the ball. Rodgers played very well, considering at the moment he runs like I do. Poorly. Lacy played well. Receivers had some drops, but also some passes that our guys couldn't catch with an extension ladder and oxygen masks. 

We need to play better at Seattle. We still have Dom Capers as DC, so there is still time for us to get ready to get blown out...And buy shovels and quicklime.

Regarding the Dez Bryant controversy? I expect everyone agrees that the rule was applied correctly. If you don't like the rule, and honestly, I'm on the fence, complain to the NFL Rules Committee. Am I happy about it? Sure, I won't claim any hypocrisy, it was an enormous call. What I am not happy about:

The Dallas Wankers Cowboys have the almost the worst fair-weather fanbase in the country, nearly into Minnesota Vikings territory. Dallas had a good season, can't knock them for it, but all the fair-weather celebrities, sports pundits, and ass-kissers (Chris MommyIssues Christie!?!?!) have trotted back out their "football street cred" and enduring love for the Uglys. These peckernecks will now spend an entire off-season complaining about the Bryant call.

May I suggest to them -

Dear Nationwide Syphilitic Genitalias; 

If the Cowboys are so damn good, why couldn't they hold an eight point lead, as opposed to praying for a call when they had gone down by 5 with four minutes left? 

Please to be shutting yer pieholes, 

Love, paleo

Random Football Post

All opinions are my own and correct.

Wisconsin Badgers vs Ohio State Buckeyes

I'm a little surprised to see Wisconsin as a 3-4 point favorite, honestly. It's going to be brutal. On our side, it's on a neutral field, Indianapolis Lukas Oil (a city also known as Hell, the air handlers work overtime, the filters being changed every half-hour.)

• Playing indoors, Melvin Gordon can take full advantage of a dry field.
• Also due to being played indoors, Joel Stave's famous 'where-is-it-going' misdirection passes could find a target.
• Our offensive line is much better than any offensive line OSU has seen this year.

In OSU's favor, they are a really good football team, JT Barrett or no.

• The team is playing for a spot in the CFB playoffs, the oh-so-scientific way the NCAA has come up with to choose a national champeen
• OSU will have some emotion, playing for Kosta Karageorge and Barrett

My pick - 24-21 Badgers but I would not put money on that.

Notes - The NCAA And Amphibian Molestation

As an important aside, one sort of hopes that the suicide of Karageorge can get some push into the NCAA and NFL doing something about the freakin' concussions. It won't, of course - the NCAA has a code of Omerta that the Mafia aspires to, and is one of the leading criminal organizations in the country with their wildly inconsistent rules about amateurism. The NFL is not far behind.

Speaking of the NCAA and criminal behaviour, I heard a good theory this morning about Jameis Winston, FSU QB, who is not going to be drafted as high as he is thinking. FSU will punish him, starting January 13, the day after the college championship game. He won't be back for the spring semester anyhow; he is expected to declare for the NFL draft. Speaking of the NFL and criminal behaviour, someone will draft him, but, as I said, not as high as he is thinking. 

As for the Champeenship Tourney, only one SEC team. Good, I hate 'em. I'm not particularly fond of Oregon either, but I can live with them winning out.

As far as the Heisman Trophy, it'll probably be the twerp QB from Oregon, further proving the NCAA and all sportswriters have their collective heads so far up their collective asses they use gastric depressurizations to style their combovers.

Green Bay Packers vs The Mighty Atlanta Falcons

Atlanta is feeling good, expecting to host a playoff game with a frightening 5-11 record. I'm not complaining about the NFC South - that's just how it goes. ESPN can shut the fuck up and live with it. As for the game, I expect a solid victory for the Packers. 

The Packers are the top of the NFC right now, Arizona has lost momentum. We have a chance to run the table, although I am a little concerned about Buffalo. They can play some ugly football and win, and I think could surprise someone looking past them to Detroit. As for Detroit, they have so far avoided their time-honored of imploding in Week 9, but now have reached December, with their time honored tradition of lying down like a cheap Persian Rug embroidered with a Kincade painting.

Special Note From The Management

My puppy likes to lick Punkboy cat. Okay, so my dog will have hairballs. Wevs. The Punk will take it up to the point that Jaxson attempts to swallow his head. Then it's on. Take the points on the feline.

The Minnesota Vikings - Just Cuz I Lives Here

The Queens, watching their enormous boondoggle going up in Minneapolis, have shown sparks. Although I can't document it, mostly because it is not on a document, I picked them at the beginning of the season to go 6-10. Imma revise that to 7-9. Couple more players and the patience to not brutally turn on their QB and I could see 8-8 down the road. Still not good, but. 

Zygi Wilf is a savage failure of the human experience. When he kicks it, there are not enough anti-rejection drugs on earth to allow the possibility of organ transplant. A toad, and not the good lickable kind. He believes he's Machiavelli's Prince. I suspect he's a bit more Carrot Top.

The Peterson saga is near an end, Goodell screwed up the situation to the point where any judge will reinstate him, but the MN sports market, surprisingly, has sort of said the hell with him. I suspect he doesn't play this season unless MN goes ahead tomorrow with the almost inevitable trade to the Cowboys. 

And stuff.

This And That

There's this:

Cracked.com wrote a listicle today, 5 Reasons The NFL's Way More Evil Than You Thought Possible. It's pretty good for illustration purposes, but misses some examples, and misses the mark badly on Example #3 (The Players Are Screwed as Soon as They Leave the Game).

• Huge missed example # 1. Ray 'The Murderer' Lewis is working for ESPN Gameday. I know, it's not new or surprising, but still, it bears repeating. Ray 'The Murderer' Lewis gave commentary on the Ray Rice situation. How 'The Onion' stays in business? I suspect a blood spattered altar, Georgio Tsoulokos, and an apparently endless supply of chickens and wildebeests.
• Missed example # B. Adrian Petersen of the Minnesota Vikings, having been granted a free walk by Texas courts (note my shock) for beating the ever-living hell out of his child, will be playing next weekend. No, I have no inside information, I'm just semi-literate. Imma ignore the terminally fucked NFL systems for enforcement of the minimum standards of being a human being (see: Ray 'The Murderer' Lewis) and say that a ridiculous number of NFL fans will dance in the streets at the official announcement. People suck, Kids!
• Huge missed mark # Π. Their third argument is that 'The Players Are Screwed As Soon As They Leave The Game', and they speak of pension and health care issues for players post-career, and how they often don't have the skills to survive after football. Cracked is off the mark; for although the pension and health-care issues are very valid, they are missing that the American Football Dream takes the priorities for existing in society and sets them on fire in the middle of a major highway. Any player showing a flash of talent in Pop Warner is done with homework and studying through the end of college. Graduation from college is rare, graduation from college with a career track not involving a paper hat rarer still. Although the NFL drives the dream, society is to blame. High school and college sports need serious reforms, starting with setting the NCAA on fire in the middle of a major highway, following up with setting and enforcing requirements for grading and coursework, and topped off with imprisonment and ball-gagging of any parent trying to re-live their pathetic pasts through their children.

Some of that:

I am recovering from my fourth DVT in 6 years. On the blood-thinner routine, and unfortunately, while Imma not actually call it routine, I'm too familiar with it and run the risk of not taking something that can be very immediately fatal seriously enough, especially when I am so annoyed and difficult to be around. I got shit to do, dammit! Any rate, I'll be on lifelong thinners now, so no tripping and smacking my melon on anything. W00t!

Speaking of football, the goddam Vikings can't even win one of the two or three games* I want them to win per year. And I'M helping to pay for their damn stadium. Bastiges.

*both Bears games and if they play Dallas. Otherwise, lose, bitches.

A bit of wossname:

More revelations from the Catlick Choich regarding ArchBishop Harry Flynn (emer), Vicar General Kevin McDonough, and ArchBishop John Nienstadt for covering up pedophilic priests. Ramsey Cty Atty John Choi (RCA@co.ramsey.mn.us) does not seem to be leaping to empanel a Grand Jury to indict, and send to trial, these bastards, and all the priests they've hidden over the years. Drop him a Christmas Card, whydoncha! 

And for those arguing that the Statute of Limitations has passed, perhaps for this collection of child-porn for this priest. But he's amassed a new collection, almost without question - go to Massachusetts, kick in the worthless fucker's door, and check. And the ArchDiocese was actively covering up this crime until last year, so the crime of aiding and abetting is pretty current. HAMMER THEM.

The Temperature Is Something Well Below Stupid

I had a number of errands that had to be done today:

• Track down the last Ion Auger in Minnesota. (I'm a dignified old man and do not need to cut holes by hand.)
• Work on making my snowblower create noise and vibration and occasionally blow snow into my face. Maybe even clear the driveway and walk.
• Repair a mailbox that more or less decided to escape the post and get into the warmer (slightly) garage. 
• Convince my dog to use the backyard. He is reluctant, to say the least, leading to this conversation - (paleo) "Jackson, come on buddy, let's go out!" (Jackson) "OhboyohboyohboyoutsideoutsideoutsideHOLY FUCK!" (paleo) "Yeah, I know buddy, just go and then you can come in and sit by the heating grate." (Jackson) (pees and hits Mach 2 back to the back door) "Treats, dude, treats."
• Watch the Packers. Revel in hate for the criminal Harbaugh, and Glenn Beck groupie Kipperneck. Hope to see them cry. Hope to see us win. These are equivalent goals.
• Belly rubs for farting dog. Jesus, Jackson. 

Success for the first, and the last three, bulletpoints. The second two should wait for spring, but I should get to the mailbox tonight and the snowblower this week, need it for ice fishing vacation. Big lake. Kidding.

Imma watch the game, we're doing okay at the half, Dom Capers needs to be run through a colander to illustrate to him that his defense can't hold water. Asshole. Comment if you like, creative ways to maim the Fox Studio Crew are welcome. And the dreaded Aikman/Buck Illiteracy Hour.

UPDATE: John Kuhn for the TD, about 12 mins left in 4th. TD TV Timeout. Old Spice commercial with stalking mothers. What the fucking fuck.

I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, HUH!?!?

UPDATE 2: And 2013 is closed. The offense showed enough fire to win a game, and the defense was not as bad necessarily as they have been, but still bad enough, especially on that last drive, to lose. Yeah, injuries by the assload, but still, Dom Capers needs to be taken out to a farm, where he can chase rabbits all day.

Here's to next year!

Wherein I Take Chris Kluwe At His Word

So, the big news in the Twin Cities is Chris Kluwe.

Mr. Kluwe, my onlyest ever favorite (now former) Viking, is an verbose proponent of gay rights/gay marriage, and took his advocacy wonderfully, beautifully public during the Minnesota Protect Our Tight, Sensitive, Buttstarfish From The Oiled, Post Workout Sweat-Sheened Six-Packed Fruitqueergots Blech Amendment, blasting a Maryland legislator who went on the record saying that the Ravens should force Brendon Ayanbadejo to hush it.
He followed that with an article deconstructing a statement by former Viking center Matt Birk in favor of 'traditional marriage',


In his latest article, he states that he held off with this statement out of respect for his teammates during the course of this season, that he has/had no issues with Vikings owner Zygi Soprano, and that he can't prove and will not claim that he was fired solely for his advocacy, but that he strongly suspects it. So here, at the end of the Vikings Pop-Warner-League-Championship-calibre season, he has spoken out, calling former head coach Leslie Frazier and current General Manager Rick Spielman cowards, and special teams coach (also candidate for new 'Queens head coach) Mike Priefer a bigot.

This is complicated, honestly.

First off, full disclosure, I'm a Kluwe fan. I think he's a fellow weirdo. And I think his head is in the right space.

Unpacking this, there are two primary legs to this stool, and a third, not as important, but tending towards his veracity. Given the characteristics of the tertiary leg, let's get it out of the way quickly.

He admits he's done with football, he's older, he is fully aware that after this article he is unmarketable. Yes, that's right, Ray Lewis, murderer, will go into the NFL Hall O' Fame. Michael Irvin, Lawrence Taylor, cocaine vacuumatics, already there. Chris Kluwe will got to PAX and Comicon. He gets nothing out of this, except perhaps closure, but is honest enough to admit that if Priefer, his primary villain, were to suffer professionally, it wouldn't hurt his feelings. I give this point to Mr. Kluwe, and am likely to take him at his word.

Primary leg one. Anyone thinking the NFL is not homophobic as hell is fooling themselves but no one else. I say that as an NFL, well, Green Bay Packer and whoever is playing the damn Cowboys and the damner Bears, fan. It's all about the macho, who's toughest. Brett Favre played through 413 concussions and can't remember his family's names half the time, but he was the ultimate toughman. What does toughness have to do with being gay? Not a damn thing unless you're an idiot, but, a lot of idiots watch and work for ESPN. Being an NFL coach is the closest you can be to a legal dictator, until you get fired Players not coming forward to back up Kluwe's statements (I am talking very much to Vikings K Blair Walsh) recognize that their own careers are on the line for speaking out (especially with Priefer on the Head Coach bubble.). NFL HR and press offices are cautious to a fault. "We take it one game at a time, love my coaches and my city and my fans, God willing we'll make the playoffs." Rinse and repeat. Anyone not Peyton Manning, who does commercials for Papa John's (who wanted to cut hours and employees rather than provide health insurance? Jackasses.), who says anything is risking 'the product', and the NFL gets twerky about it. Point to Kluwe.

Primary leg two. Kluwe was getting older, getting really good money for a punter, and punters are not exactly important in the NFL scheme of things. One bad game for a punter/kicker can often mean unemployment. A good punter with a long career makes a half season's pay for someone like, well, Peyton Manning. In the 2012 season, I wanted Packer's kicker Mason Crosby not only fired but possibly beaten. In the 2013 season I want Dom 'The Gaping Hole' Capers, Defensive Coordinator of the Packers, fired, beaten, healed, re-hired, fired, and beaten. Any NFL career is capricious at best. Punters are not only hardly immune, they provide excellent scapegoats, are noticed and remembered only when they do poorly, and receive credit only within the bowels of the Monday morning special-teams debriefing. Point to the Vikings.

For myself, I am taking Kluwe's statements as genuine. I also know that not a damn thing will be done about them, we have to give a stadium to a billionaire, ya know.

What do you think?

Since I Suck At Bloggism, I'll Just Do A Packer Game Live-Thingy

When I went to get lunch for the wife and I, the MN 'Queens - Cincy Bengals game was over and Twin Cities sportstalk was already gleefully giving up on the decade,

Best one?
"I just don't think Leslie Frazier has the tools to be a head coach." Holy damn Hannah, every dog in North America heard that whistle. Jesus, dude. Wonder if he watches Duck Dynasty?

OK, teh Pack.

I've been very much on the side of the fence wherein Dom Capers, Defensive Coord of the Packers, should be stoned, whether or not anyone says Jehovah, but I have also happily heaped blame on the defensive players, especially the secondary, for being completely incompetent. And I stand by that, but shit, that first Pittsburgh series we were not in a proper set for a single play, the punt due to weather as much as anything.

And I want to have Eddie Lacy's children - before anyone gets too torn up in the biological unneccessities of it, I'll adopt 'em. Boykin's too - SIX!!

Anyone reading? Bring it.

Live Blogging - Packers Vs Bears Suck

So. The Chicago Bears show their face at Lambeau. The team with the most convictions in the NFL, save Richie Incognito, already being picked apart. Honey, where is it teh pizza?

I've Never Seen This - Freakin' Cool

Went with the Brother-In-Law to the Minnesota-Nebraska game (he's a Husker), I didn't have a dog in the race but I figgered I best accompany him lest he gets in a fight with, ummm, Minnesota.

You may have seen the report on ESPN. It was a curbstomping...for Nebraska. #24 BCS Nebraska. Never in  the game, really, teh Gophers man-handled 'em, 34-23 and it was not that close. So congratulations Minnesota!

But for my part, for this post, I have never seen this live - the students charging the field:

It really was that damn cool. I'm no longer ahemcoughsnerkcollegeage, but the parties that night had to be something! Sigh...

In Other Shocking Football News,

As do the Lions and the Washington Racistnames.

The Vikings are starting their third quarterback in a month. And their savior this week is Josh Freeman, who got hisself run out of Tampa. Doesn't matter if you agree with whatever he was complaining about there, pro football coaches are second only to college football coaches and Jozef Stalin in dictatorial powers, so I 'spect he ain't their answer.

To which I say



Meanwhile, we play Cleveland, who, while much improved, are a project team. And we need some damn healing. Here's hoping!

Saturday Night Non-ESPN-Wankers Football Post

Wisconsin - AssholeZona State:
Gary Andersen's first real test - the Sun Devils do not suck, and this is a tough game (they can't help where they are from, although in fact if any of the players had any integrity they'd go to state with an automatic death penalty for Joe Arpaio).  (I do have to say that it is nice to see a non-conference game against an actual competitive football team, as opposed to playing UNLV, Westchester Amalgamated (MA), and New Richmond Taxidermy and Hair Care).

• Point to ponder - why does WI always get Bob Useless Griese, the Dumbest Man In Football, with a 32 IQ accent, and an enormous hate-on for WI for years? Someone drop a bridge on him.

Minnesota - Western Illinois:

Jerry Kill has HIS 4TH SEIZURE DURING A GAME. 4TH SEIZURE. WHILE COACHING. A GAME. Why has the MN insurance company not asked, um, anything? 4 goddamn seizures. This is not anything against epilepsy, I assure you. But Jerry Kill may be a saint, a guru, a pure thought form - he still don't belong on a football field.

• Point to ponder - how many electrodes, placed where, and how much electricity does it take to animate the overrated corpse of Lou Holtz?

Nebraska -UCLA:

To my mother-in-law, to my brother-in-law, and to the stupidest human being alive, Ndamakong Suh, allow me to say

Notre Dame - Purdue:

Notre Dame. Notre Dame. Notre Dame. Nuff said. Bunch of rapists who don't deserve a minute of TV time. Yes, I know, all college football players are criminal rapist scum who do NOT BELONG in college, with people trying to get an education. But Notre Dame is treated by the media as something special. FUCK THEM.

Tomorrow.

Packers vs. Washington Klan:

If the Washington players had any integrity they would demand a name change or a trade. They won't. They are football players and thus not too bright. Well, basically stupid. That being said, facing another good running game and a mobile quarterback, another annoying game. Please, dear FSM - I know we are not allowed for some reason to run block, but for Rodgers' sake could we at least pass block?

Don't know why I even pay attention any more. Fuck all these people, useless drags on society. Its become more of a habit - none of these shitheads, owners, players, National Fuck-all League, give a fuck about the fans, not one weenciest fuck, not even the throwaway promise of a reacharound.

Brief Super Bowl Predictions

Just waking up, had two preventative maintenance events this weekend, uggghhh. We take vast swatches of our power harness either offline, or in the case of this weekend, to generator power, so we can open and inspect/repair distribution equipment without threatening our utility switchgear and the rest of the power harness. Frequent events, but as I finally moved to day shift a year ago, overnights are tough on my broken ass. Insert mental photo here.

Brain Bleacho $1.99/qt at Bob's Produce Ranch* today only.

To continue, I have a few things to do before the game, so I want to get some thoughts down, timestamped, before the start, so y'all may marvel at my sabremetretical ingenuity.

As has been played up h-u-u-u-g-g-e in the pre-game runup, this is the first Super Bowl in which two douchebags have faced off head to head as coaches. (Bills Belichick and Parcells having never played each other, or Jimmy Johnson.) Although each is douchey in their own way, you have to give the edge to 49ers douchebag Jim "Ol' Douchenozzle" Harbaugh, who has an incredibly talented rookie QB who he would rather use to win a Super Bowl than teach how to slide, thus guaranteeing early knee replacement. It's that sort of piss-n-vinegar that lofts Jim into the douchesphere.

This being Ray Lewis' last game, and the Super Bowl at that, no one will ever mention again that he pled guilty to the cover-up of a murder in Atlanta in 2000, testifying against his posse, thus avoiding murder charges himself and necessitating the disposal of the no doubt expensive white suit he had been wearing at the time, which has never been found.

Cris Carter, of the Minnesota Vikings and ESPN, has made the Hall Of Fame. "Ol' Crybaby", as he was known, never led the Vikings to a win of any significance, and was instrumental in taking a somewhat naive rookie, with the most potential of anyone in that draft class, Randy Moss, from a possibly groundbreaking wide receiver to a player who somehow managed to still be all-pro...
While taking any off play that his number was not called, sobbing on the sidelines to the coach, quarterback, and any sideline media about his not getting enough thrown in his direction, and assaulting a traffic control officer.
Randy Moss, now on the 49ers, will sob on the sidelines today and not be a factor. Carter, "Ol' Offensive Interference", will be fellated by Chris Berman at halftime. Bleacho, Bob's, see above.

The Pornhub commercial will be aired, third quarter, after the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese ad starring a beagle, a Honey BooBoo impersonator with polydactyly, and a chess game with Death. Directed by Michael Bay. Bookmark, it, you heard it here first.

Tim Tebow will be discussed at least once if he is found in the stands, twice if not. Pppbbllfftttt!

San Francisco 38, Baltimore 21. Meh.

Some liveblogging later during the game, after halftime, not necessarily about football per se, I think the read option offense is a recipe for dead QBs but not much more than that, if anyone wants to fight...

*We srsly love this place...

UPDATE: 6:28 Central

Came into the room for good just as Baltimore scored, went to commercial.

STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS

Geekrection.

UPDATE: 7:05 Central

Half time. Talking heads, total IQ of 65. Apparently Beyonce is the halftime show - not my style of music at all, I understand she has a fairly amazing voice, but whatever. No drugs, Satan, groupies? Meh. Gonna make a drinkie.

Do I dare?

Gordon's canned gin and tonic, courtesy of Netherlands via Sweetie. Here's beating your children!

...

Not bad, a bit weak, my version of a gin and tonic is 8 parts gin to 1ml tonic, with a 'part' being a variable, let's call it x , representing anything from an finger to a quart. In the distance, I can hear a Zombie howling as he throws up everyone he's eaten in the last month.

BTW, how did the Packers, in Super Bowl 31, earn the worst halftime show in history as ZZ Top didn't even phone it in, they used tin cans and string?

 UPDATE, 10 seconds into the 3rd Quarter:

 We have explored before that my prognostimacating skills are suxxors.

UPDATE: 7:42 Central

Half the stadium lights just went out.
Been there, done that. Poofsparksparkspark.

SHORTER CBS SPORTS WHILE LIGHTS ARE OUT:



UPDATE: 8:27 Central

Advertisement with Gangnam style pistachios. That is one motherfucking jumped shark. Stop now.

UPDATE: 8:34

Wil Wheaton on a Lincoln commercial? Nice - love Wheaton.
Baltimore falling apart quickly. I really don't have a dog in this race, Jim Harbaugh is the bigger douchebag, you have three 49ers go off on homophobial rants this week, I'd prefer they lose.

UNBELIEVABLE UPDATE: 9:05

The announcers talked about Ray Lewis' brief career as a blade man, Colin Kaepernick Tebows. Prognostimication. It's what's for dinner.

END OF GAME:

I'm not unhappy, but still, meh. Commercials, ok.

TA!

Now That The NFL Is Done For The Year

For all intents and purpose.

San Francisco Salamander Molesters at teh Atlanta Falcons

Jim Harbaugh, affectionately known by his college and pro teammates as Ol' Douchenozzle, directs his 49ers against Matt Ryan and the Falcons. Harbaugh, the fratboy cobag who invented buttchugging and lucked into Colin Smackayackanick, has an uphill climb in Atlanta against the quietly efficient Birds, but this should be a very entertaining game. Falcons with the home field advantage, 34-31.

Baltimore Ravens at the New England Patriots

Bill Belechick, affectionately know by his players and the rest of the NFL as Ol' Satan, holds the field against the Ravens, led by Ray Lewis, known by the Baltimore PD as Ol' The One That Got Away, playing his final season. Lot of intensity on the Baltimore sidelines because of that, but Ol' Lucifer wins going away, 31-14.

The Super Bowl Matchup: Patriots - Falcons

Thus it has been written, so say we all.

Oh No Not I, I Will Survive

I'm sick.

Much better now, but sick. Coupla days.

Like several hundred million Americans, I have some version of the Martian death flu (one of the cute little known thingies about diabetes is slightly compromised immunity, and slow healing - given that I seem to open a major blood vessel daily at work, I should have stock in Band-Aids. No one has ever seen my complete hands, it's possible no one knows I have hands.) 

What little lunch I have eaten has been kept down. Yesterday for breakfast I had oatmeal. Comfort food, right? Well, in the space of a few hours it not only stuck to my ribs but set up a thriving civilization, complete with a social safety net and a Ferris Wheel attached to my stomach, but it did stay down.

I know I'm in trouble when I'm cold - I'm never cold. 45 degF is t-shirt weather for me. But I was cold, so I pulled the plug at work, went home, went to bed, late afternoon. 

It's been a long, what, 30 hrs? The cold sweats, the hot colds, TheraFlu (the generic, anyhow, local stores have pulled TheraFlu due to quality control concerns, apparently, but the generic still works and still tastes like deep-fried ass), the hallucinations; so vivid, so seemingly memorable, but in the end ephemeral.

About 4 in the morning, things seem to have come to a head - my wife was sleeping on the couch, she loves me but had no intention of getting anywheres near me until I was healthy, or spring, whichever came first, and heard me come into the kitchen for water, medicine, and a conversation with the unicorn making me scrambled eggs and farting fairies, and said I was a blur, shivering, teeth chattering, freezing and sweating, like a penguin doing aerobics, except that I don't own a tuxedo - I've worn one twice, and honestly, I look like a Greek god, or Michaelangelo's David, only with a tux and much larger junk, at my brother's wedding, where I would have been swamped by the chickies if'n they weren't already married or about to become in-laws, and at my wedding, where I would have been swamped by the chickies if'n it weren't my own wedding, plus I got swamped by Teh One Chickie What Counts - W00t!!1!!!

I have returned, somewhat, to humanity - at least the unicorn has left, the fairies stink (sort of as expected), and the eggs were delicious. Watching a bit of Baltimore - Denver, waiting for the Packers - San Francisco, I love my guys but this is gonna be a tough one, we spent too much time punting last week, and while we managed to quiet Adrien Peterson, in part that was due to the back-up QB for the Vikings being seriously bad, we could put 8 guys on the line. Frank Gore for SF is perfectly capable, and Colin Whoozenwhatzitnick is a pretty good quarterback. Wish I could do a better analysis, what I can say is that we are a much different and I think much better team than at the beginning of the year.

I've got a pile of work slated for my vacation week starting Monday, so there will be some remodel blogging, and tomorrow something about the game. For now, since I feel up to it I have got to eat something, I'm effing ravenous, and the game starts in a few.

Our Foes, Vanquished - Blame Teh Backup QB

John Kuhn, (Airborne), For 6

Dateline, Minneapolis-St. Paul: The Green Bay Packers sent Khafeyian spies to kidnap and torture Minnesota Vikings' starting QB Christian Ponder's elbow, and in cover of night replaced him with well paid assassin/sous-chef Joe Webb, preventing the Vikings from retaining their position as 7-time Superbowl winning champions of the NFC. 

Vikings flack Joe Soucheray reported that the NFL was considering replaying the game when Ponder was healthy. Local intellectual Bob Sansavere reported that "I knew it were coming and stopped watching Vikings games in July, these guys will never amount to anything." 

paleo, of the famed blog Checking Out Your Shorts, said "Vikings fans are, by and large, the worst fair weather fans in the history of any sport, including that one in Mexico that was like basketball except with beheadings. And Twin Cities media is merciless on their sports teams - if the Vikings win one, it's 'oh, here we go, Superbowl!', if they lose one, it's 'Vikings? What are these Vikings you speak of?' I can't imagine anyone wanting to play here, and actually, I feel terrible for Adrien Peterson, who seems like a genuinely good guy and is clearly one of the finest athletes of any generation, and is being set up for a Barry Sanders situation, amazing player on a semi-pro team. He should come to the better side of the river."

Special Note For These Purveyors Of Fine Whine: Shut up. Injuries happen - as a Packer fan, believe me, injuries happen. And it's Christian Ponder - every backup QB in the league is better than Ponder, much less Joe Webb. You lost. Hush, suck it up, try again.

We get the 49ers next weekend, I gotta work, so will be cobbling together some manner to watch the game - frustration, pppbbffllltttt! I'll say more about that later, we definitely played at a high level, finally almost healthy (didn't really stay there, dammit), but for now, I'm watching the Seattle Seahawks at the Washington Racistnames, and its a helluva game. I do have a rooting interest - I want another scrum with the Seahawks, we owe them. 

No Illusions - Rose Bowl Edition

Look. I'm aware that we are likely to get slapped today. We have more than our share of issues, including a temp head coach (OK, it is Alvarez...), and Stanford is a legitimately good team, and very strong against the run. I'm not overjoyed, but I'll live.

But, for FSM's sake, please, could someone get BRENT GODDAM MUSBURGER THE HELL OFF THE TV AND PLANET?

Ignore the fact that he is a monstrous racist.
Ignore the fact that he permanently has the taste of Notre Dame's junk in his mouth.

Dear Mr. Musberger;

It is WIS - consin. WISCONSIN. There ain't no easconsin, you dumbass 15th degree inbred, so where do you get wes-consin?

You are a motherfucking hack.

Love,
paleo

Random NFL Week 17 Notes: Grain Of Salt Not Included

Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions

Tough one, actually. Detroit is far and away the dirtiest team in the NFL, hands down, has been for a long time – the Lomas Brown thing hardly surprises. The Bears? Just evil, the city of Chicago, evil. Also, annoyingly good, enough to win, and give us another chance to make Cutler beat up his sideline.

Tampa Bay Bucs @ Atlanta Falcons

Atlanta has the same problem as Green Bay, and I assume Falcons fans have the same complaint I have – listen to the national media, especially YOU, ESPgoddamN, and you would never know there was a team there, much less the NFC No. 1 seed.

NY Jets

Please, dear FSM, if’n Rex Ryan would shut the hell up, I’d appreciate it. A lot. And Tebow? Look, I’ve softened a bit on the boy. He is still a sanctimonious god-bothering jackhole who has no business playing QB in the NFL, although he might make a good TE or FB, but he has truly gotten a raw deal. Denver, 100 miles approx from Colorado Springs, the sanctimonious god-bothering jackhole center of the universe? Of course he was the biggest story in town, but Denver was not without talent, and now with an actual QB they are likely to be No. 1 seed in the AFC. And then the Jets? You poor bastard.

Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints

Cam Newton, regardless of his Terrible Twos, is having a good year. Watch out for him long into the future, especially if he grows up a little. This game may cause the scoreboard operator conniptions.

NY Giants

New York is suffering a poultry shortage, as Eli Manning has run out of chickens to sacrifice (Tagliabue ftaghn, Ia, IA!). But the rotten sumbitch still seems to have our number.

Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots

Miami is a team on the way up, Bill Belicheck is Satan’s less pleasant brother. I have no reason to root for this game but come on Fins!

St. Louis Rams @ Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks are on a roll, and Russell Wilson is a good Badger, but after his post-game interview for the GB-Seattle Fail Mary game (“What push-off? Looked good to me! We worked hard and earned this win…”) he needs pain, and we need to see the miniature slapnuts again in Lambeau.

Dallas Equus @ Washington Redskins

I hate Dallas. With the burning hate of a thousand million hatey burning thingies. Almost as much as the Bears. I also think Dan Snyder, owner of the Redskins, is a human whack-a-mole game. Tough to call...

And of course:

THE GREEN BAY PACKERS @ Minnesota Pop Warner League Vikings

Lest there be any doubt, I wish to humiliate the Queens and co-workers. But I has one minor hitch in my needs – I actually respect 2 Vikings players, Chris Kluwe, who is a helluva human being although I still need him to shank every punt today, and Adrian Peterson, who again seems like a genuinely good guy and a fantastic athlete. I actually would have loved to see him break the rushing record – but it cannot be allowed. If he’d run for 208 yards last week and only needed 94 today, I’d have lived with him breaking the record on us. As it is, however, he has to go down in flames. The rest of the Queens shoulda stayed on the Love Boat.

Disagree at your peril. W00t!!1!!