Wednesday, October 21, 2015

There Is Something Wrong On Teh Internet

I, a mere paleo, have busted the mighty Wonkerados on an inaccuracy! This aggression will not stand, man!

In a post about some talibangelical football coach in Washington State, they posted the famed, and I would call faked, photograph of Jesus in his sportsball days.

"'Faked', you say, paleo? Balderdash!"

Dash your own balls, please. I have the original photo.

QEmofookinD, bitches.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Crimson Peak Is The Dante's Peak Of Axe-Crazy Incest Movies

You may be wondering what this post title means, and that's a very good question.

Saturday night, Sweetie and I and another couple, a ginger engineer and Scooter, went a-movieing. It was not my turn to choose, which is completely fucking bogus - who doesn't like lasers, starships that ignore little things like conservation of momentum, and boobs that wildly ignore the square-cube law?

Ummm. Where was I?

OK, yes, errr, so we decided on Crimson Peak, a Guillermo del Toro 'joint', as I believe the kids say. Imma try to avoid spoilers, should you choose to see it, but I have some thoughts.

First of all, del Toro cannot help but make almost impossibly beautifully shot films. CP, as the kids would say, does not belie this trend - it's stinking gorgeous. And he is great at getting the visceral reaction shot, where the audience, ie. me, finds hisownbadself clinging to the acoustical proofing on the ceiling, not sure why my seat is an uncomfortably long way down. The story is mostly there.

On the whole it's a good movie. But.

Scenes can drag. One entire subplot is a Chekhov's Misdirection, a 4 to 5 scene set-up to no payoff whatsoever. In general, I could see chopping that entire sub and tightening up some other scenes, at nearly two hours it can get wearying.

The male lead, Loki, does a fine job, despite the Trent Reznor cosplay - really, if you want to ruin your morning, wear long blousy clothing around spinny thingies.

I'm unfamiliar with Mia Wasikowski ('Edith Cushing'), but have no complaints. She was not a shrinking, nor shrieking violet.

Now, the Lady Sharpe, Loki's sister. I vaguely recognize the actress. This woman chews the scenery as if it was built by Wrigley's. That, with the Amy Lee cosplay, (a choice I applaud - if'n you gotta go full goth, goth the best)

make her a strong presence...
That they underutilized the shit out off.

Which brings us to the third act, where the movie derails. Another rather squicky subplot pops into being, leaDING TO?!

Nothing. Squat. Toecheese. And now I'm squicked. Why you do this to me jackass? Now I's cranky.

The ending is serviceable, you can tell what movie del Toro had on his hotel Spectravision when he conceived it, but again, just 5 minutes ago I was going 'bleah', you could have brought in lasers, starships that ignore little things like conservation of momentum, and boobs that wildly ignore the square-cube law, and I'd have still 'bleah'ed'.

Teh verdict?

See it at a matinee, or if your TV is sufficiently sufficient, Redbox. Qualified half-thumb up.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Live Blogging Packers-Chargers

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Morphodites and Platypi, we now have the Green Bay Packers hosting the San Diego 4H and Tanning Club.

Green Bay is favored, but always remember Uncle paleo's number one rule of watching the 2010s era Green Bay Packers - any team playing a Dom Capers coached defense is never out of the game. Bear in mind the Chargers have Antonio Gates back.

Look forward to very much cussy updates!

Kickoff Time, 3:28.
Not a good start, peckernecks.

12:20 in first quarter, according to the box score on-line, because PAYTON MANNING BLOWS GOATS AND PAPA JOHN SCHNATTER.

10:00 in first quarter: Dear CBS, you is severly kuting into my drinky time thing. Love, Johnny Football.

8:38, first quarter. Packers TD. paleo still watching J Manziel wishing he was a real boy. Also INTERCOURSE CBS.

6:00, first quarter. Game finally on telebision, throwback uniforms, and I have no drugs.

4:50, CBS announcer just commended Dom 'I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby' Capers. I still have no drugs.

Well, K, it don't sound right, but into the stands, James!
The following kickoff: Speaking tactically, Mr. Charger sir, I have never understood why anyone would take it out of 8 yards deep in the endzone unless it's the 4th and you're down, say 10 points. Otherwise, you end up on the, oh, your own 15. Idjit.

10:46, 2cd. Ballsy call on 4th and 3, I actually applaud it and am very surprised Gates didn't come up with hit, he's got hands. But excellent cover by Hyde, too.

6:48, 2cd. I really dislike settling for an FG after 1st down inside the 10. It's gonna bite us hard someday...

6:11, 2cd, FUMBLE, caused by Clinton Dix, recovered by Matthews, we needed this! And promptly showed our run blocking has a way to go...

End of the half - We got bit hard someday. The Zebras earned that Charger TD. What a bunch of shit. Need a drink and some popcorn...

Our goddamn defense should not have to stop BOTH the opposing offense and the ridiculous schemes of Dom 'The movie Crimson Peak is my autobiography' Capers.

From teh audience:

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:34 PM

Dom Capers is coming through again, making Rivers look like a good QB. FUCKINH TIED WHAT IS THIS SHIT??!?!?!!!?
paleo responds: It's a rare talent. Capersensory Perception. A man who can make a high school quarterback look like Joe Monfuckingtana.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:34 PM

Announcepantsers. are totally in the bag for the Chargers.
paleo responds: Not prepared to make that accusation, but can verify that they suck on ice.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:35 PM

Good thing I stocked up on bourbon...
paleo responds: As long as you don't have to be functional in the morning.

:46, 3rd Q. This has sucked. Now, Mr. Rodgers and the offense seem to have taken an interest in the game. It's time for Mike McCarthy to have Capers buried under the locker room and have ANYONE ELSE call the defensive formations. ANY ONE. Please, for fuck sake.

Umm. GAAAHHHH! in the 4th Q.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:18 PM

Who the fuck called a running play on 3rd and 19?
paleo responds: Probably DON Capers, the intern offensive coord

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:19 PM

yeah, punting ain't going to win this game. KEEP THAT FUCKING RIVERS OFF THE FIELD, CAPERS YOU DOUCHE-CANOE!!!

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:22 PM

Can you imagine how great the Packers would be doing if Rodgers would get the kind of protection that Rivers has?
paleo responds: Yes.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:35 PM

I hope paleo didn't stroke out...
paleo responds: The thought crossed my mind...


This is going to be a loooong fucking year.

Goodnight Gracie. Maybe some Doctor blogging later. Certainly some whiskey drinking.

Goddammit, bubba.

Two Brief Stories

I cannot yet comment on the Dom Caper Follies, kickoff's at 3:25 Central, or the Doctor, as Sweetie spent the night with her Girl Scout Troop, so we'll see the Doc tonight.
Actually, a touch of explanation is called for. We are childless, and at the stage of life where we is going to remain free of carpet squirrels. One set of our best friends has four children, all badly in need of restraints and lithium. Teh oldest female child, already 6' at 15, is a Girl Scout - we've bought cookies, QEmotherfuckingD. Her mother, one of Sweetie's closest friends, is the, I believe the term is 'troop leader'. Sweetie done got drafted.
Last night was the fall 'camp-in', where they shared s'mores and stories of cannibalism. I think. 

Herr Doktor Right Reverend Zombie has already commented on him falling out the back of a wardrobe and ending up in a Bourbon Haze in a state with 8,000 lakes (goddammit) and a massive

Jawa Sand Crawler taking shape on the east side of Minneapolis for some semipro sportsball team. (And briefly seriously, that was a great damn weekend! I fear he has acquired an expensive new habit, distilled finery...) I have one short story, outside of the Zombie/Snag whirlwind reaping, to add.

I'd been invited to see Blues Traveller at Mill City Nights, a local music club, and went. Sweetie played designated driver for three of us, my BIL and one of my twatting-introduced buddies.

We get to the club, and three good-sized, somewhat shaggy buggers pile out of an Equinox. Now, I frequently wear a dark brown felt fedora. Adventure hat I calls it. On a very good mental health day, I would refer to myself as stout, p'raps chunky. We start into the club, and a gentleman, seemingly homeless, or possibly severely polluted, mumbles up to us. Unable to sort out what he was saying to us, he started pushing a folder or photo at us. Confused, we say no thanks, boss, and head into the club.

Later in the club, I saw a guy looking somewhat like the dude out in the lot in the club, and the light hit me. Stout, fedora, at Mills City - little dude thought I was John Popper! Not sure how to feel about that, but I'm pretty sure I'm right...

This week I was offered a job/promotion. I had two days of meetings with the hiring manager for the position, as he was at our site, and our preventive maintenance program is to become the standard across the company's data center management portfolio. I run our PM program, and although I tend to be loathe to blow my own horn, I am really good at my job.

While bullshitting at lunch, he  said something about DC ops managers, and I said, somewhat joking, do you have any openings? He said yes, and after working with me for two days, he was prepared to offer me the position. And "I'm serious. Talk to your wife!" Middle of nowhere, New Brunswick, Canada. N-i-i-i-i-c-c-c-e.

Well, of course, we talked about it, and although she was not as enthused as I, she was open to it, but after discussing some things, she brought up family issues I hadn't thought of, that truly prevent us from getting that far away from the midwest for the forseeable future. I spoke to the gentleman the next morning and told him I would be unable to look at it. Now, I hadn't even asked him anything, really, about the job, so it may have not been a fit anyhow, but I cannot deny the location and the title were not an awful lot of what I like... Eh, it is what it is, I have a good life and good friends here, and other opportunities will happen.

Coming up shortly, Live-Blogging the Packers Chargers!