Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Raise A Bottle Of Whiskey To Lemmy

Lemmy has passed away, after a short battle with an aggressive cancer.

The absolute bad-ass, lived on meat and Jack Daniels. Beans when he wanted to healthy up. He's now up in rocker's paradise, stomping the living shit out of any being daring to fucking bother him with any goddamn ledger.

The good ones die, certainly, at 70 he lived a life and thirteen halves, but yeah. Meanwhile, Taylor Useless Swift and vapid collection of boat anchor raw material Ed Sheeran still sell records.

Son of a bitch.

My first time:

Do not rest in peace, boss, own that fucking place and raid the liquor cabinet.


Sunday, December 27, 2015

The Jon Swift Memorial Round Up Is Out

From batocchio, doing the work of the the angels, or more entertaining devils, the Jon Swift Memorial Roundup is out. I've already read about a half a dozen, some great stuff. Give those folks some love and linkage!


Disclosure: I submitted, one of my more vicious posts, maybe not the right one, but I went for the snark.

Friday, December 25, 2015

Christmas Linkees

paleo Christmas programming!


Christmas Thoughts Both Esoteric And Edible

Merry Christmas! So much, thanks for teh reading of my nonsense!

There is a political tie in in this post, 'tis the election season, but I have two larger points to make. So bear with the introduction...

From the inmitable (no thinking man can read that much NRO without their double-helii straightening out and making a break for it) Roy Edroso, Mona Charon, alleged pundit and Trump groupie, slips the surly bonds of reality and spells things:
I had pictured my Christian friends and neighbors at home, gathered around the table Norman Rockwell–style, eating goose or ham or whatever gentiles eat bathed in the twinkling lights of decorated trees. In fact, I liked to think of them that way, and finding crowds treating Christmas Eve as just another night was almost a sacrilege.


I have an enormous issue with conservative trying to appropriate Norman Rockwell. Rockwell, especially on his Saturday Evening Post covers and Boy Scouts/Boy's Life works, defined a great deal of mid 20th century Americana. An idealistic portrait accepted, and, importantly, acceptable, to a nation that had not yet even begun to realize that the American dream was not allowed for too many.
Even then, he hit deeper themes. In his Four Freedoms series, taken from the FDR 'Four Freedoms' speech, he tried to envision FDR's words:
The first is freedom of speech and expression—everywhere in the world.
The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way—everywhere in the world.
The third is freedom from want—which, translated into world terms, means economic understandings which will secure to every nation a healthy peacetime life for its inhabitants—everywhere in the world.
The fourth is freedom from fear—which, translated into world terms, means a world-wide reduction of armaments to such a point and in such a thorough fashion that no nation will be in a position to commit an act of physical aggression against any neighbor—anywhere in the world.
There is not a single one of these clauses applauded, or even spoken of, by any modern American conservative.

He later on made more explicitly humanistic, frequently civil right-based, artwork, including one of the most amazing and powerful, god, so very powerful, paintings of that era,  'The Problem We All Live With'

I'm not particularly into art, and so cannot comment on his art in any sort of analytical manner, or on artistic merit, I mean, they are well done in my opinion, but, I am convinced he was a very, very, good man. Any right-wing lunatic who tries to claim him as one of their's is invited to swim in a bucket of hemorrhoids.


Now, gustatory goodness. Note, I did not gustatory gooseness.

We'll use the modern UK as an example. (Goose is still somewhat more prevalent in continental Europe.) Do you know why Britons of Dickens' time ate goose? Because they did not have turkey. With the availability of turkey in the UK now, why do some still eat goose? My best goose, errr, guess, is sheer bloody-mindedness.

I have hunted and eaten gooses. Other than stewing or wrapping in bacon and bread dough, thereby successfully taking the goositude out of the damnable birds, this is what those, who willingly seek out the murderous avians, do with the winged viciousness.
The most prevalent stuffing are apples, sweet chestnuts, prunes and onions. Typical seasonings include salt and pepper,mugwort, or marjoram. Also used are red cabbage, Klöße, and gravy, which are used to garnish the goose. Another version of roast goose is the Alsatian-style with Bratwurst-stuffing and sauerkraut as garnish. (h/t)
(Admittedly, the brat-and-kraut stuffed feathered chopsaw recipe sounds awesome.)

The issue with roasting a goose is that the temperature and time, not to mention basting, need very tight observation and concern. There is a 13 second window for cooking a goose between food-poisoning and poultry leather, where the beaked menace is merely inedible.

Now, why do we not eat goose? We have turkey. Full stop. A good turkey done right is a thing of beauty. Admittedly, turkey doesn't keep at all unless you casserole what's left of the son-of-a-bitch, but on Roasting Day it is absolutely tummy magic.


There are those of us who wish to be especially nice to others in this season. Its the right thing to do year round, but the seasonal focus has it's own attraction.  I want to, we should all want to, celebrate humanity at the winter solstice, when days are short, and, unless you are in Minnesota, cold.

Happy Solstice, all y'all!!

Friday, December 11, 2015

A Conversation With Justice Antonin Scalia

Tony Teh Squirrel* went and said things. Naturally, this aggression cannot stand, so I grabbed my trusty phonish thingy.

"Mr. Scalia, sir-

Umm, I'll need you to put down the maga- no, I'm not subscribed to Eugenics Monthly, um, no, I don't want the postcard, but -

No, no, your Supremitude, I have a statemen...

Yes, go ahead and try to convert Judge Kagan, I'm certain she'll appreciate your efforts, but if I can just say...

*wearily shaking head* I'm sure Virginia Thomas is some brown sugar, yes sir, but - GODDAMMIT, ABIGAIL FISHER WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO GET IN! She wants affirmative action only for herself, all she had to do was hit the top 10% mark but she failed civics and basket weaving and she's A idiot! Yes, sure, wevs, I'm sorry about the goddammit word, your Nibs, but seriously, do you have a servant to remind you to blink and swallow, I mean for reals, how did you make it to 127 years old!?! JESUS CHRIST! WHADDYA MEAN CONTEMPT!?! KISS YOUR OWN ASS!!! GAHHH!!!

*Should drive Zombie into a frothing, room temperature rage.

Monday, November 2, 2015

I Need Stakes And Torches... And Potatoes And Mushrooms

So, so many reader have begged me to post actual photos of my own bad self...

Time to make the donuts.


I askeded teh Sweetie for sexytime. She didn't react well.

After having given many kids diabetes. There may, may, be vodka in there. I don't remember.

I got a (roughly) 14 year old girl to sprint down my driveway.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

There Is Something Wrong On Teh Internet

I, a mere paleo, have busted the mighty Wonkerados on an inaccuracy! This aggression will not stand, man!

In a post about some talibangelical football coach in Washington State, they posted the famed, and I would call faked, photograph of Jesus in his sportsball days.

"'Faked', you say, paleo? Balderdash!"

Dash your own balls, please. I have the original photo.

QEmofookinD, bitches.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Crimson Peak Is The Dante's Peak Of Axe-Crazy Incest Movies

You may be wondering what this post title means, and that's a very good question.

Saturday night, Sweetie and I and another couple, a ginger engineer and Scooter, went a-movieing. It was not my turn to choose, which is completely fucking bogus - who doesn't like lasers, starships that ignore little things like conservation of momentum, and boobs that wildly ignore the square-cube law?

Ummm. Where was I?

OK, yes, errr, so we decided on Crimson Peak, a Guillermo del Toro 'joint', as I believe the kids say. Imma try to avoid spoilers, should you choose to see it, but I have some thoughts.

First of all, del Toro cannot help but make almost impossibly beautifully shot films. CP, as the kids would say, does not belie this trend - it's stinking gorgeous. And he is great at getting the visceral reaction shot, where the audience, ie. me, finds hisownbadself clinging to the acoustical proofing on the ceiling, not sure why my seat is an uncomfortably long way down. The story is mostly there.

On the whole it's a good movie. But.

Scenes can drag. One entire subplot is a Chekhov's Misdirection, a 4 to 5 scene set-up to no payoff whatsoever. In general, I could see chopping that entire sub and tightening up some other scenes, at nearly two hours it can get wearying.

The male lead, Loki, does a fine job, despite the Trent Reznor cosplay - really, if you want to ruin your morning, wear long blousy clothing around spinny thingies.

I'm unfamiliar with Mia Wasikowski ('Edith Cushing'), but have no complaints. She was not a shrinking, nor shrieking violet.

Now, the Lady Sharpe, Loki's sister. I vaguely recognize the actress. This woman chews the scenery as if it was built by Wrigley's. That, with the Amy Lee cosplay, (a choice I applaud - if'n you gotta go full goth, goth the best)

make her a strong presence...
That they underutilized the shit out off.

Which brings us to the third act, where the movie derails. Another rather squicky subplot pops into being, leaDING TO?!

Nothing. Squat. Toecheese. And now I'm squicked. Why you do this to me jackass? Now I's cranky.

The ending is serviceable, you can tell what movie del Toro had on his hotel Spectravision when he conceived it, but again, just 5 minutes ago I was going 'bleah', you could have brought in lasers, starships that ignore little things like conservation of momentum, and boobs that wildly ignore the square-cube law, and I'd have still 'bleah'ed'.

Teh verdict?

See it at a matinee, or if your TV is sufficiently sufficient, Redbox. Qualified half-thumb up.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Live Blogging Packers-Chargers

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Morphodites and Platypi, we now have the Green Bay Packers hosting the San Diego 4H and Tanning Club.

Green Bay is favored, but always remember Uncle paleo's number one rule of watching the 2010s era Green Bay Packers - any team playing a Dom Capers coached defense is never out of the game. Bear in mind the Chargers have Antonio Gates back.

Look forward to very much cussy updates!

Kickoff Time, 3:28.
Not a good start, peckernecks.

12:20 in first quarter, according to the box score on-line, because PAYTON MANNING BLOWS GOATS AND PAPA JOHN SCHNATTER.

10:00 in first quarter: Dear CBS, you is severly kuting into my drinky time thing. Love, Johnny Football.

8:38, first quarter. Packers TD. paleo still watching J Manziel wishing he was a real boy. Also INTERCOURSE CBS.

6:00, first quarter. Game finally on telebision, throwback uniforms, and I have no drugs.

4:50, CBS announcer just commended Dom 'I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby' Capers. I still have no drugs.

Well, K, it don't sound right, but into the stands, James!
The following kickoff: Speaking tactically, Mr. Charger sir, I have never understood why anyone would take it out of 8 yards deep in the endzone unless it's the 4th and you're down, say 10 points. Otherwise, you end up on the, oh, your own 15. Idjit.

10:46, 2cd. Ballsy call on 4th and 3, I actually applaud it and am very surprised Gates didn't come up with hit, he's got hands. But excellent cover by Hyde, too.

6:48, 2cd. I really dislike settling for an FG after 1st down inside the 10. It's gonna bite us hard someday...

6:11, 2cd, FUMBLE, caused by Clinton Dix, recovered by Matthews, we needed this! And promptly showed our run blocking has a way to go...

End of the half - We got bit hard someday. The Zebras earned that Charger TD. What a bunch of shit. Need a drink and some popcorn...

Our goddamn defense should not have to stop BOTH the opposing offense and the ridiculous schemes of Dom 'The movie Crimson Peak is my autobiography' Capers.

From teh audience:

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:34 PM

Dom Capers is coming through again, making Rivers look like a good QB. FUCKINH TIED WHAT IS THIS SHIT??!?!?!!!?
paleo responds: It's a rare talent. Capersensory Perception. A man who can make a high school quarterback look like Joe Monfuckingtana.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:34 PM

Announcepantsers. are totally in the bag for the Chargers.
paleo responds: Not prepared to make that accusation, but can verify that they suck on ice.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:35 PM

Good thing I stocked up on bourbon...
paleo responds: As long as you don't have to be functional in the morning.

:46, 3rd Q. This has sucked. Now, Mr. Rodgers and the offense seem to have taken an interest in the game. It's time for Mike McCarthy to have Capers buried under the locker room and have ANYONE ELSE call the defensive formations. ANY ONE. Please, for fuck sake.

Umm. GAAAHHHH! in the 4th Q.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:18 PM

Who the fuck called a running play on 3rd and 19?
paleo responds: Probably DON Capers, the intern offensive coord

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:19 PM

yeah, punting ain't going to win this game. KEEP THAT FUCKING RIVERS OFF THE FIELD, CAPERS YOU DOUCHE-CANOE!!!

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:22 PM

Can you imagine how great the Packers would be doing if Rodgers would get the kind of protection that Rivers has?
paleo responds: Yes.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:35 PM

I hope paleo didn't stroke out...
paleo responds: The thought crossed my mind...


This is going to be a loooong fucking year.

Goodnight Gracie. Maybe some Doctor blogging later. Certainly some whiskey drinking.

Goddammit, bubba.

Two Brief Stories

I cannot yet comment on the Dom Caper Follies, kickoff's at 3:25 Central, or the Doctor, as Sweetie spent the night with her Girl Scout Troop, so we'll see the Doc tonight.
Actually, a touch of explanation is called for. We are childless, and at the stage of life where we is going to remain free of carpet squirrels. One set of our best friends has four children, all badly in need of restraints and lithium. Teh oldest female child, already 6' at 15, is a Girl Scout - we've bought cookies, QEmotherfuckingD. Her mother, one of Sweetie's closest friends, is the, I believe the term is 'troop leader'. Sweetie done got drafted.
Last night was the fall 'camp-in', where they shared s'mores and stories of cannibalism. I think. 

Herr Doktor Right Reverend Zombie has already commented on him falling out the back of a wardrobe and ending up in a Bourbon Haze in a state with 8,000 lakes (goddammit) and a massive

Jawa Sand Crawler taking shape on the east side of Minneapolis for some semipro sportsball team. (And briefly seriously, that was a great damn weekend! I fear he has acquired an expensive new habit, distilled finery...) I have one short story, outside of the Zombie/Snag whirlwind reaping, to add.

I'd been invited to see Blues Traveller at Mill City Nights, a local music club, and went. Sweetie played designated driver for three of us, my BIL and one of my twatting-introduced buddies.

We get to the club, and three good-sized, somewhat shaggy buggers pile out of an Equinox. Now, I frequently wear a dark brown felt fedora. Adventure hat I calls it. On a very good mental health day, I would refer to myself as stout, p'raps chunky. We start into the club, and a gentleman, seemingly homeless, or possibly severely polluted, mumbles up to us. Unable to sort out what he was saying to us, he started pushing a folder or photo at us. Confused, we say no thanks, boss, and head into the club.

Later in the club, I saw a guy looking somewhat like the dude out in the lot in the club, and the light hit me. Stout, fedora, at Mills City - little dude thought I was John Popper! Not sure how to feel about that, but I'm pretty sure I'm right...

This week I was offered a job/promotion. I had two days of meetings with the hiring manager for the position, as he was at our site, and our preventive maintenance program is to become the standard across the company's data center management portfolio. I run our PM program, and although I tend to be loathe to blow my own horn, I am really good at my job.

While bullshitting at lunch, he  said something about DC ops managers, and I said, somewhat joking, do you have any openings? He said yes, and after working with me for two days, he was prepared to offer me the position. And "I'm serious. Talk to your wife!" Middle of nowhere, New Brunswick, Canada. N-i-i-i-i-c-c-c-e.

Well, of course, we talked about it, and although she was not as enthused as I, she was open to it, but after discussing some things, she brought up family issues I hadn't thought of, that truly prevent us from getting that far away from the midwest for the forseeable future. I spoke to the gentleman the next morning and told him I would be unable to look at it. Now, I hadn't even asked him anything, really, about the job, so it may have not been a fit anyhow, but I cannot deny the location and the title were not an awful lot of what I like... Eh, it is what it is, I have a good life and good friends here, and other opportunities will happen.

Coming up shortly, Live-Blogging the Packers Chargers!

Monday, September 28, 2015

Live-Blogging Packers Monday Night Football

Okay, kiddies, coming up on the game!

My Sweetie and I are watching Saturday's Doctor Who and eating taco salad, getting ready for the game - there may be some comments on the Doc, as I continue to swing wildly on the fence about Oswin.

The Packers, with Aaron Rodgers, clearly one of the two-three top QBs right now, and I'd say number one but I'm biased, should win going away, he says as he starts to eat his own liver. No team should ever be counted out when playing a Dom Capers defense. When they invent soylent green, start with Capers.

To be continued...

End of First Quarter:

Okay, between one thing and another, missed the first quarter. I am not sure which of us loves Missy more, me or Sweetie.

Stats look amazing, and the pass to James Jones for 19 looked like a great play, well placed ball!

8:21 Fourth and 5 and we're going for it. Not a terrible call, long damn kick for Crosby, who has at least shown flashes of consistency this year again, but Bakhtiari got beat like a red-headed stepchild.

8:26 Dom Fucking Capers strikes again. Trying to determine what dumbass cornerback went after Charles low, he needs to join Capers in the Soylent mixer.

8:30 Although it must be said that it appears Capers coaches the Chief's secondary too.

8:37 For the love of goddammit, could someone please pass block?

8:41 John Gruden blows goats.
I'm not kidding. His wonderfully mumblemouthed performance can only be a result of goat peen.

8:56 I'm not sure which one us loves Aaron Rodgers more, me or Sweetie. Although I am less likely to attempt to bone him.

Solid lead at halftime. Now for Dom Capers to destroy what's left of my stomach lining, and Berman to thoroughly fellate Rapistburger.

9:30 Good defensive stand. Capers has clearly been kidnapped by gnomes. Hopefully eaten.

The damn foot is not only off the gas, it went gangrenous and is now a damn stub. Sloppy, sloppy!

9:45 Very athletic play by Shields. Gruden calling for a late hit flag on Matthews just shows he could not be trusted to make instant pudding. And I knew the play was designed for Cobb over the middle, and I'm a fat drunk guy wearing a Rodgers jersey in the hopes my Sweetie will be confused and want to bone me.

The referees are being paid by the call. The linesman just bought a gold-plated hooker.

9:56 Capers has dragged his partially gnome-digested body back into the coaches' box and called for a fold defense.

Okay, I'm relaxing a little. And how in the hell did anyone not shadow Cobb? I mean, good for me, but holy shit someone blew an assignment.

10:21 Yeah, the call against Clinton-Dix was crap, but so was that defensive series.

Have to finish the stupid games! And we can't have our defense fighting both the offense and our defensive scheme. Matthews has to be exhausted, and Peppers right behind him.

This may be a long, long fucking year. We've made Alex Goddamn Smith look like Johnny Unitas. I'll take the win, but we suck, have got to shape up...

Up too late for this shit. G'nite all.


Monday, September 21, 2015

An Open Letter To Gov. 'Bobby' Jindal

Mr. Grain at MockPaperScissors found this choice bit of morongravy from one Gov. 'Bobby' Jindal:
“If you can find me a Muslim candidate who is a Republican, who will fight hard to protect religious liberty, who will respect the Judeo-Christian heritage of America, who will be committed to destroying ISIS and radical Islam, who will condemn cultures that treat women as second class citizens and who will place their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution, then yes, I will be happy to consider voting for him or her. If you can’t, I’ll settle for voting for a Christian Governor from Louisiana.”
I responded there, and want to share with my enormous, well, what's the singular of audience, here.

Dear Pi,

If you can find me a Muslim candidate who is a Republican
"In the 2000 election, approximately 70 percent of Muslims in America voted for Bush; among non-African-American Muslims, the ratio was over 80 percent." Wha' happened?

who will fight hard to protect religious liberty
The irony drips off of this loonicidal linky-doo like, something viscous and suchlike. It'd be amazing to hear a Jesus fellator, well, really, a Paul salad tosser, come out in favor of religious liberty.

who will be committed to destroying ISIS
Umm, fucking EYE-Ran?

who will condemn cultures that treat women as second class citizens
Hey, I hate the fucking Duggars too. I can Haz Air Force 1 nao?

who will place their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution
Yes, Teh Constitution which requires no religious test. You've broken stupidity as a concept.

I will be happy to consider voting for him or her. If you can’t, I’ll settle for voting for a Christian Governor from Louisiana.

Pi, babe. Please. Listen to me.
You're not going to be president. Or vice president. Or get a cabinet post any more visible than, say Sec'y of Commerce. Not only are you a nobody, the base hates you. They do. My aunts and uncles, retired all, mostly stinking wealthy, republicans all, hate you because of the color of your skin, and no faded official painting in the Guv's mansion will change that.

You are not going to be going anywhere. So, please, for the sake of your own, fucking!, self-esteem, stop. And shut up.

You're the governor of Louisiana. Many historical LA guvs have ridden that grift train to wealth, serious local fame, hot and cold running scotch, and hot and hotter running vag. Enjoy what you have, dude.



Sunday, July 19, 2015

The Donald Inadvertantly (Because Trump, D'uh) Makes A Point

In the wisest electoral move the Democratic Party has made in years, running Donald Trump for the presidency as a Republican, he has played his role to the hilt, becoming the GPS and the accelerator for the republican clown car!

Actually, that is too simplistic, and gives the Democratic leadership far too much credit for cunning...

Certainly, though, Trump has become, probably already was, the raging cockroach in the brain of the average republican:

  • seeking to kill anything that reeks of thinking; 
  • wanting to smash anyone who dares look aside from the goals of theocracy, subjugation of anyone failing the paper bag or external genitalia test, and submission to oligarchy;
  • fear, so much fear. Buy stock in Depends for the first republican debate.

Once again, Trump opened his mouth, and the news and blogs have exploded. (Note - this is a blog post about this. Shoot me.) He stated that he preferred his heroes be uncaptured soldiers, in response to McCain complaining that Trump brought out 'the crazies' at an event in Phoenix.

This needs to be unpacked a bit, because Trump came close to an actual point. We need not even point out that Trump had almost as many deferments as Cheney, and served as much time in the military as Limbaugh.

In brief, John McCain parlayed his family name into becoming a truly horrible airman and officer, graduating near the bottom of his class, destroying two of his aircraft. He was shot down and taken prisoner in Hanoi, and the official record states that he behaved honorably as a POW. He gets marks for that. Actual heroism. Good job, and I mean that.

Returning from the military, crippled, with his wife similarly crippled due to a car accident, he saw an opportunity to get rich and politically connected by marrying his wealthy mistress. By rolling on his comrades, he squealed his way out of the Keating 5 scandal.  

He introduced Sarah Palin, Yukon Methnelius, the Quitta From Wasilla, teh SnowMachine Secessionist's Spouse, to the American Body Politic.

Lets's be honest. He was a hero for 5 years, and republican filth for every other day since.

So now, the passengers in the republican clown car, unable to believably lie and say that Trumpykin's statements about undocumented immigrants were crap, but still desperate to drive Trumples out of the race, have latched onto this kerfuffle to claim that 'no one who has ever worn the uniform can be criticized, ever, and stuff!'

First of all, jackholes, tell it to John Kerry, Max Cleland, and Bowe Bergdahl. You pathetic cowards. Where did you serve, Becky, Rushbo, Michael Wiener? Coultergeist, were you agitating to be allowed to try SEAL training when you served?

Wanna know who else is a hero?

Me. I've helped build the factories that make the weapons the soldiers use.
Everyone working at those factories is a hero.
Everyone paying the taxes that pay for the military, their munitions and supply, is a hero, including the immigrant, working for the yard crew, maybe a DREAMer, at the campus where I work.

You know who is not a hero?

Mittens and Chucky and Davy, who for all their money pay an effective tax rate of not.
Dick Cheney, who used the military to enrich his paymasters at Halliburton.
Becky, teh Coultergeist, et al, who, when McCain, playing at being a moderate and running for the republican nomination in 2000, help spread the rumor in South Carolina (yeah, that flag is a-l-l-l-l-l about heritage, not hate) that "McCain has a colored n***erbaby out of misceginacisism!!1!eleventy!!" (his adopted daughter Bridget).

I'm not in favor of soldier worship. They are people, some good, some bad, doing things I don't want to do. And sometimes they give their lives in defense of our country, and FSM touch them with His Noodly Goodness. And they need to be taken care of, they've earned it. And sometimes they need to be smacked down and jailed (General Jerry Boykin, you need a long time in a cooler, you psychopath.) People. Braver than I, yes. And they don't need to be used as chess pieces by neocon swine. But they are not doing this alone. It's most of us, together.

Most of us, except for the peckernecks who use them as cannon fodder and propaganda fodder. Fuck them.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Behind the Politics – Scott Walker

In 1966, a young preacher, Llewellyn Wwallker, fresh from the Welsh consonant mines, came home to his property, Patricia, with a gleam in his eye. With the lights down, spinning a Sing Along With Mitch LP (Go Tell It On The Mountain b/w She’ll Be Coming ‘Round The Mountain And Confessing Her Sin Later Even Tho’ She Really Rather Enjoyed It), a bit of fumbling, a cry of “Holy Hannah, that’s not it, owwww-w-w-w-w!”, followed by the shameful, lonely shower, Scott Walker was invited to our earth.

He entered the world in 1967, a couple days early, perhaps, his eyes may have needed another 36 hours or so. In retrospect, due to that day in April when Pat put dinner on the table at 5:32 instead of the clearly defined 5:30? Sin defines us all.

From a young age, he showed a burning desire to enter the world of politics. At the age of three, he ran for King Of My Playroom, and his inexperience proved detrimental; he was defeated handily by his Garbage Pail Kids cards. He vowed to not repeat the mistakes of his first campaign, and at a recall election he called 15 minutes later, having promised teddy and himself marshmallow cream, accusing the Operation game of socialized medicine, and with the Kids in absentia having recused themselves in a statement from the potty, he eked out a victory over Surfer Ken.

Scott became an Eagle Scout in record time, earning 37 merit badges in one ceremony by diligently threatening the scoutmaster with accusations of homosexuality. He was chosen to go to Washington for Boy’s Nation, where one of his eyes was convinced that the animatronic Reagan winked at him. Starbursts! His die was cast; follow in the shuffling footsteps of the first Non-Conscious American president, and accumulate a plastercaster collection with every industrialist he came across.

Accompanied by his attorney, and with claimed possession of a ‘secured lockbox of accumulated photographs and affidavits’, he entered the typically more discriminating Marquette University. After three and a half years, they were able to divest themselves of him, for reasons unreleased, although rumors of electoral misconduct were widely assumed to be “No shit, he’s a dick.” His given reason was a job offer with the American Red Cross. He was well known among his colleagues; John Doe, an investigator, recalled him “often staring blankly at his Highlights magazine, deep in thought, muttering about bootstraps and soylent something. We called him EH, short for ‘eldritch horror’, he got a big kick out of it. Although, now, looking back I’m not sure he ever quite understood that, or really anything. Anyhow, you couldn’t get away with anything with the guy, it was like he had an eye on the side of his head. Good times, after he left.”

In the early 90’s, Wee Wiw’ Scott ran for the Wisconsin Assembly, losing to Gwen Moore, who, interestingly, would also advance into national office long before Walker ever had a miniscule shot. Walker, showing the tenacity of his hero, Reagan, who put on a great show of not remembering the Iran-Contra fiasco while not being able to remember the Iran-Contra fiasco, moved to the tony district of Wauwautosa, WI, home of many young men nicknamed ‘The Third’, bought a pallet of Plaster of Paris and two crates of Burt’s Bees Balm, and won.

In the Assembly, he was a Republican populist, working against women (’s rights to control their own bodies), unions (right to work), and minorities (Voter ID). Known as ‘The Remora’, he attached the sucker on his head to the excretory orifice of the American Legislative Exchange Council shark, gleefully introducing ALEC-written bills benefitting private prison corporations.

At some point, Scottie’s heart turned to thoughts of sex involving other beings, and one day, behind the cotton-candy stand at Wauwautosa Entitled Twat Days, all of his fantasies came true. Unfortunately, society looks down on homopestuality

and he had to end it with Ben. He then found Tonette, whom he slowly came to not loathe, and in a small ceremony, with LLeeEWElyyn holding a shotgun as incentive, he married her and bred. However, his heart had been hardened. By virtue of the fact that he could not look anyone in the eyes, he was able to disguise his disgust with the company of his own species. He determined that if he had to suffer though a human-human heteronormative marriage, no one else of a mind to be what they are should ever be happy. Tonette had to make some concessions; their wedding was on the anniversary of the birthday of the Famous Animatronic President Reagan, along with the birth of their sons and his annual performance of his husbandly duties, with him under a sheet with a strategically punched hole.

Eventually, the Assembly was too small a stage for Scott to tread upon. Running against cunning Democratic Party apparachik Tom Barrett, who felt the best way to win over the state was to run to the right of the Teabirchertarian Walker, Scott dug in his heels, lied like an ungrammatical rug, played at being a moderate and carried the state. All of his unstated (to the general populace of Wisconsin) promises were within his hands. Public Service Unions – scottsmash! Gogebic Taconite – bring in your private army! Chucky and Davey and Grover – get over here and drop 'em, daddy needs some mangravy!

A sizable percentage of Wisconsin voters signed a recall petition for Scooter, but Scott stood tall. With a handpicked Waukesha county clerk, and $30M in campaign funds, fully $536 of it coming from Wisconsin residents, he ran again against the cunning Democratic Party apparachik Tom Barrett, who felt the best way to win the state was to not purchase his own county clerks. Scottissue won again.

Now drunk with power, and with an almost unaccountable amount of rodent estrous to quell his nearly insatiable needs and hide his true calling from the public, he put in his bid to destroy education in Wisconsin, proposing freezing spending on public schools and expanding the state's school voucher program. He called for vaginal wanding and the end of Planned Parenthood, proving his devotion to women keeping in their place. Despite his surreptitious fellating of rodents, industrialists, and the corpse of The Great Rotted Reagan, now kept in his sunroom, he kept the promise made to himself when he had to marry within his species and vowed to pass a law requiring the LGBTQ population of Wisconsin be used for medical experimentation, or as kindling if they begged appropriately. Wisconsin, being on an extended bender, sobered up in later November to find Governor Turdwaffle retaining his seat.

In 2015, he debated running for president, despite having neither a degree nor binocular vision. In part two of 'Behind The Politics - Scott Walker', to be released after the first Fox debate, we will explore the failure of his campaign and unfortunate crippling injury due to confusion in his autonomic nervous system generated by attempting to blink both eyes, tripping off of the end of the stage and failing into the lap of Sarah Palin, who broke both of his hips searching for his wallet.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Future President Allen West Presents His Future Chief Of Stuff: An Open Letter

From Raw Story,
Michelle Hickford, former press secretary and current editor-in-chief for former Republican congressman Allen B. West took to West’s website on Wednesday with a missive that claims if the Confederate flag and the Charleston shooting are related, so is the murder in San Francisco of Kathryn Steinle last week by an undocumented man and all undocumented immigrants.
Let's see... Blah, blah, cornfuckingfederate flag, blah, brown, blah, what in the hell?
"We must secure our borders, however that must be done. With walls. With the National Guard. With electro-magnetic barriers. With whatever. And we must deport those who are here illegally.
If we’re going to get hysterical about a piece of fabric, we surely must get hysterical about tens of thousands of people committing actual violent crimes."
K, mostly vaguely palatable palaver with a provably poor premise, ignorable ignorance by an ignorant ignoramus, but
With electro-magnetic barriers.

I gotta bite, Imma sparky.

Dear Dumb Lady.

Does immigrant physiology typically host a significantly higher amount of ferrous minerals, such that they would stick to your electromagnetic barrier? Or do you hope that the crystalline structure of aforesaid ferrous materials is precisely aligned, and the immigrant approaches the fence at a precise angle, thus being repelled a little bit 60 times a second?

You do know that even a really damn strong electromagnet, that can lift tons, say in a metal scrap yard, still only works its magic at a distance of approximately 18 inches with materials that have a much higher ferrous content than the aforesaid illegal, who, I would suspect, would display a serious decrease in endurance and flexibility were that the case. Ability to take melee damage might increase however. We're getting off track.

Who, pray tell, is paying the electrical bill? 800 miles of fence may consume a handful of watts. What if they're wearing shorts?


But, please enlighten me, boddhisattva.


Friday, July 3, 2015

My Last Politics Post Was Uncomfortably Polite, So...

Few items from teh morning site review.

In the Are You Fucking Kidding Me File, Raw Story brings us the news of the plea deal rejection, by a Federal judge, in the case of Robert Rankin Doggart, a Tennessean (simply shocked, I tells ya) who actively plotted to kill, en masse, Muslims in the community of Hancock, New York. 

You know, terrorism. 

(I don't get it either, he's white, I don't understand how anyone could insinuate such a thing, white terrorists. Guffaws abound).

Overt acts included recruiting other plotters on social media, collection of weapons and explosives, and travel to SC to recruit militia members (by the way, did this twisted bugfucker meet any of the lovely collection of irradiated and inbred chromosomal material travelling in the same circle as the Charleston WHITE FUCKING TERRORIST?) Also, the noble Mr. Doggart pled guilty. A plea arrangement was struck, everything seemed to be on track for his modern 'martyrdom' (you know, where you go on Fox, whine to Steve Douchebro about how your xtian convictions were violated while Kilmeade and Fox Blonde Bimbo #2 fight over who gets to swallow your cock to the appendix).

Then the Federal judge decided that no one had really proven that this American Sniper wannabee was an actual threat, try again prosecutors. (Oddly, apparently the judge is a black man appointed by Bill Clinton. Unexpected, not the usual republican suffering from brown-skin blood-lust. Maybe a Dennis Miller thing, 'I used to be a democrat until 9/11 made me outraged by Benghaziiiiii"?)

Human Rights Watch has done the work of the angels on this, showing that a helluva lot of domestic Islamic terrorism cases, crowed about by the FBI as proof that J. Edgar Hoover never had an affair with Lindsey Graham they is the man, were crap, entrapment, plots driven and provisioned by the very same FBI or paid informants, that most of these dudes were putzes who couldn't find the wrong end of an AK-47, much less slaughter Camp LeJuene with four guys. Yet most of those cats are in prison for long-ass times.

You've heard of Yasser Hamdi (Jose Padilla)? There's no difference between the two cases, and not only did Hamdi end up being tortured and driven mad by the Bush administration, but his case was used by the criminal filth using that goddamn dry-drunk puppet 'president' with an unusual IQ, 4, to create case law for the 'enemy combatant' and torture. John 'Fucking Mengele was a piker' Yoo and so on.

But Pale Guy's intent and capabilities (the real weapons, acquired by Yon Lord Of Incest; and real travel, initiated by the guy who most Tennesseans think is probably a little too liberal for their tastes; as opposed to, oh, I don't know, say, FBI-created fake cellphone bombs and all the Little Debbies they could eat while talking about how many palaces and wives they get if the three of them overthrow the Great Satan) are unclear. Sounds familiarrrrrr - WAIT! GODDAMMIT! The dude who killed 9 people for the stated purpose of starting a race war who's intentions, according to Fox News, are unaccountably muddy! 


News Item The Beta, from WaPoop

Rand Paul Blows Dog Whistle So Hard His Hair Ran And Hid. Let's be intellectually honest. Even Rand Paul, fake libertwatian, is not so stupid (close, maybe) as to meet alone with Cliven Bundy for 45 minutes. Cliven Bundy, known coward, traitor, and thief, may well have a touch of the untruth about him as well. 

This does not change the fact that the Nevada event did take place, with Lil'Clivey in attendance. 

This does not change the fact that Paul called for the return of federal land to the states, who, I can say with reasonable certainty, will sell that shit off by noon to cover the gaping budget holes in state's budgets that have existed since Ronald Reagan, now being the recipient of watersports games in hell with Hitler and Falwell, inspired young republicans everywhere to shut up and blow, with requisite happy ending, the nearest rich guy. Also, can you say 'no competitive bidding'?

This does not change his tweet

equating being a rich fucking republican with an iconic, 732 term congressman father, with any sort of persecution.

This does not change the fact that this needle-dicked stumphumper, with his degree from Joe's Gyro Creations And Opthamology and certification by the Paul Institute for Eye-Doctorining, has the seeds to entitle his damn self 'Dr. Rand Paul' on Twerker.

News Item The Last

NASCAR, to change your audience, you will have to lose 75% of your entire current audience, and then find people who can watch 4 hours of turning. Gooden sie das luck. Again, from Raw Story
On the eve of a big holiday race weekend in Daytona Beach, David Childress was among those who ignored the call and packed a t-shirt festooned with the Civil War-era flag for his trip to the world-famous Florida racetrack. 
“I don’t think you’re supposed to cherish it, but don’t forget it,” said Childress, 61, from Mississippi, who said he owns six Confederate flags.
You're cherishing it, O' Copenhagen Cowboy. Seriously. I'm an American. You know, the guys who whipped your useless racist asses, oh, about 150 years ago this year. I own one American flag, for particular occasions (say, tomorrow), and I'm an America fanboi. ('Specially the part where a bunch of traitorous inbreds got their still beating hearts handed to them, about a sesquicentennial ago or so?) If you own Six Flags Over No Fucking Country that represent a losing, bigot, treasonous cause, you're cherishing it. Gimme your address, I'll send you a box of KY.
“You ain’t going to tell them boys they’re not going to fly their flags ‘cause they’re Alabama rednecks,” said Childress’ friend Debbie Dionne, 57, a cook from Pascagoula, Mississippi.
 Ma'am, you're so-o-o-o-o close. Let's try this:
"Because they are Alabama rednecks, they fly their decorative toilet paper (because, you know, it doesn't represent any actual sovereign entity but does symbolize shit.)," said paleo, internet polemicist and short order cook mumble years ago.
General Sherman, why did you go about your job so halfheartedly?


Wednesday, July 1, 2015

These Are Considered Two Of The Serious Candidates...

...for the Republican nomination.

From Right Wing Watch:
Ben Carson, retired neurosurgeon, political rookie (and Jesus H Pollyanna Christ wearing a sundress, does it show), and human cup of Sleepy-Time tea, suggested Congress get 'creative' in ending the scourge of ickily fabulous gay weddings, and then said

Carson added that if he were to become president, he “would certainly get involved” in undoing the marriage decision because although he wants to “respect everybody and let everybody do what they want to do,” if “everybody gets the right to change things for their group” that will lead to “chaos.”
Benny, that's called democracy. The marketplace of ideas, ideally leading to common solutions that the populace as a whole can accept. The principles being:
  • "Hey, as long as I don't poop on your porch, mind your own damn business."  
  • "Hey, we both need roads and firefighters, and neither of us can afford to provide civil structures alone. So let's work together for the common good."
These principles are not opposed. 

Live your life, enjoy your life, and don't muck about in anyone else's living and enjoying. However, civilisation is impossible without a commons, things that cannot be done by the individual. Roads, defense, schools, courts. No one person builds a hospital, or becomes a neurosurgeon without receiving a lot of help along the way. And no one gets anywhere without the aforementioned marketplace of ideas. Civilisation is impossible if you have masses of unthinking automatons. You end up with cultural inbreeding, no ideas, no progress. Stagnation.

Your intent, your chaos-free society, is North Korea with a population of 300 million. Congratulations - you just peeled open the curtain hiding the fact that the Republican "'Merkin ideal of the rugged individualist" is bollocks. (Ignoring the fact that John Wayne was an actor, Cliven Bundy is a racist, and the Marlboro Man died of body cancer.) You guys don't want cowboys, you want serfs and a ruling class.

Now, Lindsey Graham.

As called out by the Bob and Chez Show, and sourced for this post by Tiger Beat On The Potomac (read Charlie Pierce, please), Mr. Graham, in the insufferable political tradition known as the autobiohagiography, explains his unmarried status, saying that the right time and the right women did not ever coincide, ignoring the fact that Henry Kissinger ever/still gets laid.

The ex-girlfriend's quote I expect to see in tomorrow's TBOTP?
"He was really into pegging. I didn't understand, but the lisp was so sexy."
Mr. Graham, any senator can get bonked hourly if they so choose. Power is not an aphrodisiac, but power is one driving motive. You are not a raging hetero, you're simply not. Quite seriously, if you were to come out as asexual or gay, I'd give you a modicum of respect for living your life honestly. Still wouldn't vote for you because you're a goddamn lunatic, but I'd shake your hand. 

Eh. My two cents on two peckernecks.

Friday, June 26, 2015

In Which paleo Finds The Muse Of Poetry

I saw my psychic this morning. I was hoping to find my Grannie Erma's famed cache of filberts, as I'm a bit peckish. (Not especially in a mood to drive to Wisconsin, but then, my decision making goes to hell when I need to suck down some nuts.)

Lo and begoddamhold, I inhabited the thrice virginal Brisket (h/t Tengrain's never-out-of-the-shrinkwrap menagerie of loonies) Palin

She was reflective, diarizing, having Tripp help her with her multiplication tables. But she then, mindlessly doodling, wrote this:

The Northern Lights shine
Above my ankles, glowing
Fuck, is he done yet?

Wow. I... Beautiful.

And then I bought some Combos.

Bloggie Business

Firstest of all. Read this. Listen to your damn body. Treat it right, unlike, say, me.

Firster of all, Imma hoping to be posting more for a while. Finally. I know. Probably some blogroll changes as some people have dropped of the map. Which brings us to

Firsterest of all, please welcome friend of paleo Teh Burgemeester to the wide world of porn errr, Internet Newsletters. He's a good shit, smarter than I am (bastard), and his first post is far better researched than most of my polemics about Bigfoot, Lindsey Graham, and Bigfoot/Lindsey Graham slashfic.

You're welcome for the last image I put in your head. Send complaints to 1060 West Addison Street, Chicago, IL 60613.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

I Think Scott Walker Is Making Certain Moves, Politically...

So That He May Better Run For The Presidency

Scott Walker, Goggle-Eyed Humonculus Currently Running The Koch Brother's Subsidiary Formerly Know As The State Of Wisconsin (h/t the brilliant Mr. Charles Pierce), has just overturned the already sort of completely toothless Wisconsin law mandating a 48 hour waiting period to possess a handgun after inquiry into a purchase.

Almost certainly one of the priorities he spoke about in his gubernatorial run in 2014.

However, I do have a bit of a confuzzling over his likely governing philosophy. Lemme see if I got this straight.

A woman has a pregnancy that has issues - either the embryo/fetus is of questionable viability, or she feels she cannot provide a secure environment for the eventual child, or she just does not want to have a baby.

She has made this decision. Her decision. No one, no matter their opinion on the pro-choice/forced birth spectrum, makes this decision lightly, no one has a girlfriend's afternoon with Panera's/manicure/abortion.

Walker would now have her wait 72 hours, 72 hours of small-governmentally-enforced lobbying by her ob/gyn, or goddamn lunicidal xtians, 
about the goings-on in her genitalia, or 72 hours to drive four hours home and then 4 hours back, before she can have an abortion.

Gotcha, boss. But, ummm...

Then, point the second.

I have a neighbor, who has moles. His moles go into my finely manicured lawn and create unsightly proof that there are moles in my lawn. This communist bastard neighbor refuses to deal with his moles. My finely manicured lawn, which I prize above all other things, is endangered by lumbricus-istic rodents. My lawn, just to be clear. I love my lawn. I've made love to my lawn. Shut up.

So my neighbor must die, repeatedly if necessary.

I can now go to Bob's Compensation Shop. "Bob's - Where We Don't Know Or Care About Our Inventory, Screw The Blackamoor In The House For Real Americans! Our Deals And Our Customers Are Crazy!!!"

I ask Bob, the proprietor, actually Bob The Third, as palindromes are extremely easy to remember the spelling of - it's a heritage thing. I says to Bob, Bob, I says, "I would like a Grock .814cal Varmint Molester Model 1776, 8 clips, and 4 boxes of fully metal jacketed rounds. I has a varmint problem, Bob, and I intend to fix it."

Bob says, "Certainly stranger, who I don't even rea-a-a-al-l-y have to check ID on, I'll just take this form that you can put anything on, like your name *snerk*, say, Bob Bobson, and send it off to the unreliable and slow federal website which I may have forgotten to sort of sign up for because in Wisconsin firearms dealer's licenses might actually be easier to get than the gun. Now, because yer very pale,

*Episode of eyeball Tourette's, in some areas it might be considered a couple of winks. Or epilepsy. Stroke, maybe. Freshly defibrillated? I recognize the gesture from my mirror this morning, and so I am comforted.*

do you need help carrying it out to your truck right at this moment because it's your right in Wisconsin to buy a gun without a waiting period, you're a lovely shade of white so I expect that the background check will be as pure as the driven snow?"

Twenty minutes later, my neighbor has been permanently corrected of the errors of his ways. Unfortunately, I forgot to stop at Home Depot for grub killer and an Earthway's manual spreader. Dammit! Fuck my life!


Scott Walker feels MY pain. I need him for president now!

Monday, June 22, 2015

Either I Need More Drugs, Or - Eh, What's It Matter, This Is Messed Up


Forget the false bands. I have a reason to go on.


The drummer elf kicks some ass.

That is all.

Paleo Productions Presents: Pale People Privilege

Dear Burger King,

You took some tough press for that. Really tough.

And, I mean, rightfully so, the decision makers at your corporate levels make me nostalgic for the good old days of tumbrels and gigantic cheese slicers.
My sweetie informs me that it's a French word, geeoteen. I ain'tn't so good with French, although I can generally find the wine. Oh, that's right, you now have people who speak French working for you! Huzzah! Well, enough pleasantries. Hang on to your pantaloons:

I haz your new ad campaign!!

Please to be paying muchness for it, I'm thinking mid-six figures?




Now, to be serious:


Parkour-boy, in McKinney, TX, attempts to throttle an unarmed, bikini-clad teen-ager, and you know he'd have shot her friends if the other cops hadn't talked him down. AND THEY. DID. NOTHING. WRONG.

Now you've got Lew Rockwell Jr., killing 9 damn people, and you not only handle the little sonuvabitch with the softest of kid gloves, he's peckish, so you buy him fast food?

And the conservatives actually want to know why us loony libs think the American Justice system is terminal?

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Fuck Them

So, last night I was finally prepared to write a post again, slice of life, I've been through some ups and some serious downs recently. Seen a few great concerts, taken a couple nice short overnighters, had some successes professionally. Achieved even greater and more annoying health issues. Been outsourced. Haven't nearly completed many tasks I've set for myself.

And then I turned on the news.

And now I have some responses.
  • Ms. Lindsey: “But it’s 2015, there are people out there looking for Christians to kill them,” Graham added. “This is a mean time we live in.”

The inbred shitball wasn't looking for 'Christians' and you fucking know it, you swizzlestick. You self-loathing gun-worshipping bloodthirsty fucking fae monster. NRA whore. Let's-you-and-him-fight. You and your long, black, hard, penis replacements "Oh-oh-oh-oh, better watch out for me after 6pm, do you wanna see my AR-15?" You fucking hack - suck a tailpipe. 

  • Nikki Haley: Republican South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley gave an emotional speech at the press conference announcing the capture of the perpetrator of the Charleston church mass shooting, at one point appearing to be close to tears.
Jam a chainsaw up twixt your nethers, Nikki "No, seriously, I'm white, like Bobby Jindal, I'm a reverse Rachel Dolezal but I did it first, I iz a innovator, I am not a wog, I'm Nikki Brady!" Haley. You fucking monster, fucking vampire, fucking fuck, You. Helped. Cause. This. Take your crocodile tears and shove 'em! Not only do you happily fly the racist flag of fucking traitors, you don't even have the fucking decency, after the murder of African Americans because they are African Americans, to lower that toilet paper.
  • Lil'Waynie LaLil'Peter and every member of the NRA: Came in their pants yesterday, a flood of semen not seen since the first time they watched TV wrasslin.
I've flirted with grab-the-guns rhetoric on these pages, stood on the line. Fine, you death-dealing dickhead, you win. 
Then melt them down and drown these pathetic possessors of 9mm penises. You cowards. You sick, worthless, useless cowards. Fuck you. 

Actually, one more.
  • President Obama: "There is something particularly heartbreaking about the death happening in a place in which we seek solace and we seek peace, in a place of worship."
You know what, dude? I very often genuinely like you, I do, despite being disappoint many time. But you are genuinely so naive and sometimes flat out stupid.
- January 12, 2004 — Two white men break into a black church in Roanoke, Virginia, and cause $77,000 in damage.
- July 11, 2006 — A cross is burnt outside a black church in Richmond, Virginia.
- November 4, 2008 — Hours after President Obama’s first inauguration, three white men in Springfield, Massachusetts, doused the partially constructed Macedonia Church of God in Christ in gas and set it ablaze.
- December 28, 2010 — A white man attempting to “gain status” with a white-supremacist gang firebombs a black church in Crane, Texas. (H/T commenter SethCole, Raw Story)
The Southern Baptist Convention, always respected as a friend to all pale races who read the KJV and will never admit to watching anal porn, has stated its intention to 'declare war' on the US if gay marriage is given the stamp of approval. Yeah, Mr. President, these are fucking patriots, you fucking betcha, their asses just bleed eagles.

And so you know what?

FUCK YOU, Mr. Obama. You have taken no steps whatsoever towards reducing gun-violence. 
  • After Sandy Hook? Nice speech, then nothing. 
  • The fucking roaches at the Bundy ranch? Still breathing. You want to drone people? Drone those criminal amphibian molesters.
  • Every motherfucking racist rat goddam pig in the nation murdering the shit out of African Americans? Darren Fucking Wilson, where your Justice Dept. took the word of a bunch of sub-literate hillbillies calling themselves cops that "We dun't do nuffim wrong to dat nigger."? Still there, except for Wilson, who retired quite nicely on his un-needed (very important word, that) defense fund - a couple million bucks in Missouri gets you your own shotgun shack in the hollers and a couple purty sisters. 
Nice speech today. Are you finally going to fucking do something?

Fuck everything.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Just A Few Brief Words On The Duggars

I'll admit it, I am taking pleasure in the hammering of the Duggar empire - those parents are filth, and dangerous. And yet, even in my schadenfreude, watching that sick fuck JimBob and the manipulative 'doormat' Michelle twist, there is a lot of anger:


While Josh Duggar was certainly old enough to know right from wrong, and needs so badly to go to jail, he was also young enough that this was likely to be a learned behaviour. Given the number of pedophiles (twice since you let JoshBob walk? Really? You jackal!) in their life, how can you discount the possibility that the only lesson JimmyBob failed to teach Josh was how not to get caught? JimBobby was well-versed enough in the law to know 'now that authorities are aware, cover-up until the statute of limitations is passed.' (This Defamer article breaks things down pretty completely.)

Now, I know the children won't even get those basic protections, because Arkansas. I know Josh and those subhuman parents won't be going to jail, because it's nice to have friends. I know those kids, especially the 4 girls, and the 5th from outside the family, won't get therapy, because fundamentalists. I know that even if they tried to get heavy counseling, but were unable to pay for it because they have no jobs, no schooling, may be illiterate (I'm sure JB ain'tn't too concerned that wimmenz learn any sort of ciphering), and have no social skills, they could get no help with it, because Republicans.

This is fucking tragic. No one is paying attention to those girls, least of all the parents or their religion of love. No one would be paying attention to the case at all were it not such a well known family. And no one pays attention at all to the other, countless, hell, often unreported, cases of child abuse and child rape.

Two other brief things.

  • To answer the charge that this is just a liberal roasting Christianity: 

Fuck you. Like most Americans, the vast majority of my acquaintances are Christian of some flavor or other. (As it happens, I work in the field of IT/content provision, and see perhaps more religious diversity in the workplace than many, but still, metric shit-ton of Christians.) My father's side of my family consists of quite observant, generally conservative Catholics. As I quite openly believe in any number of loonacidal beasties and ghosties, I can hardly discount the possibility of greater powers and greater intelligences. (The magical hirsute sky-gnome concept, that watches you, judges you, and if you molest a kid you can ask to forgive you? Not so much.) These Christians in my life are generally decent people, tolerant of other cultures to one degree or another, but unlikely to raise flame and pitchforks if a gay Muslim environmentalist public-school supporter were to move into the neighborhood. (Some of them would gossip up a bit...) I know better than to argue theology with them, but wevs, live and let live, here, Uncle Greg, have another brat.

Dominionists, on the other hand? Evil, dangerous, theocratic, traitorous, monsters.

  • When articles of this sort (please, dear FSM, read TBogg) began cropping up earlier this week, I made the argument that 'every right-whing politician in Washington ran to have a picture taken with a pedophile.' 
I received some pushback, 'they had their pictures taken before it was known he was a peodophile.' Initially, I accepted the pushback, my writing may be hyperbolic but I try to be accurate. Well, now I'm pushing back. Look at teh timeline and links on that Defamer article.
- It was an open secret by 2006 that this dude fiddled kiddies. -
People knew this in 2006. 9 years ago. Prior to these political Tiger Beat layouts. POLITICIANS HAVE STAFFS TO VET THESE ACTIVITIES. These were not fan pictures because ohhh that Mitt Romney is so adorbs, these were pictures politicians chose to have taken with a famous and visible Family Research Council representative, pictures then promoted by the FRC as proof of their 'access'. So now, I will flat out make this accusation.
Either you did not vet JoshyBob because famous christian, or you vetted him, found this stuff, and decided that you didn't care because famous christian. Either is sufficient evidence that you do not belong near public office.
I have a great idea. Help those girls and jail the abusers for many long times. Then help every child living that particular hell and jail their abusers for many long times.

Then, and only then, and this had better not take longer than a couple weeks, a lot of people need help NOW, join me for a flame and pitchfork party, let's chase every decaying Dominionist bastard out of the U.S. before we lose the U.S.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Please, Dear FSM, May This Be Read By The Right People - Fornicate Ted Cruz!

Ted Cruz is pathetic. Not trying to set up the snark bankshot, he is An Genuinely Useless Peckerneck.

This strawman has been set up and smashed to compost 100 times - "Why are you so interested in my position on fruits pretending to be people, when ISIS is executing them!"

May I paraphrase how I, as a commie faggot-lover poor-person-feeder, read your statement, and correct me if I'm reading you wrong, (I ain'tn't.)? We can beat on, spit on, criminalize, and drive homosexuals out of our communities, out of our families, as long as we don't go all Hank Aaron with a sword?

Into the breach, one more damn time:
Mr. 'Murkin Exceptionalism, you are saying the bar, that we must cross to prove we are a fine, upstanding people, when it comes to the rights of LGBTQ folk, has been set by ISIS. Gotcha, peachy. Way to strive for the betterment of the human race.

Wasn't it your rose-colored-glasses-throughwich-observed St. Ronaldo Reaganski who called us to be a, ummm, 'Shining City On A Hill'? The man who all men wanted to be, and at least one woman wanted to shoe-fuck?
Dear Foot Fetish Magazine, I never thought this would happen to me 
before he was done he had his brown cordovan so deep betwixt my nethers that my fallopians were a size 10 1/2 and my ovaries were slathered in Kiwi polish 
there's now this horrible servant trying to Occupy my Ronnie's orthopedic inserts *hic* 
Nancy's an unappreciative twat, leave him alone you bitch!! *whips empty gin bottle into the mirror*
And now our goal has simply become leapfrogging the bloodthirsty Middle Eastern version of Southern Baptists that former puppet President Footiepajamas ranks as his greatest diplomatic accomplishment?

Jumping the second breach one more damn time:
I'm intelligent. Well, I can find my worksite every morning, and annoy my wife on average less than once per week. I can say a bunch of big wordish thingies, and spell a lot of them too. What I'm getting at, is that I can hold two thoughts at once. I can insist that you shut your piehole about buttsex and 13.6kV vibrators, and at the same time, think ISIS is a bunch of criminal yahoos, who desperately need a sabot between the eyes, and yet are not setting up bases in Guadalajara.

I realize the 90% of your grey matter not actively involved in keeping you upright and reminding you to blink has atrophied to pudding and bile. But you are a senator. Clearly, a senator with an overwhelming habit of marking Teabagger's teabags with as much saliva as your 226+ daily urges allow you to generate, but nevertheless, a member of a very small club.

Would you act like it, you rodent-rapist?

Love, paleo

Saturday, April 25, 2015

In Which paleo Yells At Radio And Clouds (Maybe). Also, Awards!

Last weekend, while running errands on a Saturday morning, as is typical of Saturday AM radio all my usual radio stations had
“Use miracle Vitamin X-7, made from pressed anaconda. Cures diabetes; colonoscopy; hysteria and other typical female problems; and vaccine-based diseases such as autism and not missing a year of school because of a polio outbreak in your bedroom!
“Buy an apartment complex for no money down and retire by this afternoon!”
“The Fluoubeetazinc in organic raised eggplants will allow you to buy an apartment complex with no money down and give everyone polio by this afternoon!”

Blech. Hmmph. Scanscanscanscan what the everfucking love?

Okay, right wing clap-your-hands-to-save-Jesus-From-Well-Me radio, some clichéd tough guy calling himself Joe Pags, no link because he’s not the central point here, just another low-rent Michael Savage with dreams of moving up to become a low rent Mark Levin, who watches American Sniper while wearing both Depends and a condom. Mr. Pags and his acolytes were, near as I can tell, discussing the Tsarnaev trial and sentencing phase, in the common right wing Spirograph system, Obamaphones, Black Benghazi Panther Certificates, OMG Hitlery. Creationism was breached, and his Hostness proceded to educate his audience. Paraphrased, ‘if the earth’s orbit was just a couple degrees different, we wouldn’t be here, therefore the earth was created for us evolutionists eat puppies satan satan godidit.’

Well, hell, the first clause is nearly vaguely correct. If the earth’s orbit was a couple degrees different life as we know it wouldn’t exist, yes. I wonder why…

Oh, yes, because EVERY CRITTER ON THIS STUPID ROCK, THROUGH NATURAL SELECTION, EVOLVED TO SURVIVE ON THIS EARTH IN THIS ORBIT WITH THESE ENVIRONMENTAL CONDITIONS. Creatures, including us, with adaptations that were best suited to allow survival tended to survive, hence, my ugly ass.

To steal a line, “Life Finds A Way.”*

If the earth changed orbit, and we couldn’t adapt (evolve), we would go away and confuse the hell out of some future Slappyborgian archeologist touring the remnants of the Solar system. If the earth had started in that slightly different orbit, but had the chemistry and survived the universal crapshoot for life to start, and that life then adapted to survive and thrive in those environmental conditions, the Quatloonian race of Clobetazole 7 might now be ruling this quadrant and beating the snot out of those damnable Slappyborgs. Fuckers – I hate ‘em! Ummm.

Joey, the universe is a neat and endlessly creative place without the need for a Hirsute Heavenly He-Man.**

As the Gyroscope Of Loonacide continued turning on the radio, they hit the Tsarnaev verdict again. This is where the stumpfuckers reminded us again that a.) they are not stable; b.) they are not xtians, if anything, they are Paulites and love the Deuteronomical laws, they have never read the Red Words and if they had existed coexistant to Rabbi Yeshua, they would have volunteered the nails and the hammer for the goddamn soshamalistic hippie; and c.) there’s a bunch of them, and the cravenly powers that be court their votes.

“Strap him to a pressure kettle bomb!” “Torture him first!” “They should do it on Pay Per View, like wrasslin’!” “The Bibbly says an eye for an eye!”***

I know that Joe and his esteemed audience are missing the gene for IQ, and molars, thumbs, not eating roadkill; so Imma speak slowly.

Under extremely stringent circumstances I can live with the death penalty. Stringent circumstance number one? MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT GUY.***** I’m good with the death penalty with many cases of rape, absolutely for pedophilia, if you hurt a kid, or terroristic acts. (I know, I know, I just described frat bastards, priests, priests and Republican legislators, and Dick Cheney.) The death penalty is not a deterrent. The death penalty should not be revenge. The death penalty is the result of those cases where someone has done something completely. fucking. wrong., and must go away. 

For as much as I’ve followed the Tsarnaev trial, it appears to me that the kid truly cashed his check and it’s about time to leave the building. Okay. (And so why can’t we get Cheney?!?) I have not followed that closely, and while I would like to know from anyone who has been paying attention if that is the case, for the sake of continuing this puddle of word, let’s assume he done genuinely earned himself a ticket to hell. Fine.

But torture? Effin’ Pay Per View? Wow, yer a dick. Seriously. “Well, paleo, eye for an eye, we have to do to him what he done to us ooops, pissed myself.” No. Thank you for playing, you’re dumb.

Do you even know why we supposedly do not allow cruel and unusual punishment? Or, if you are reading, torture, Mr. Cheney?

BECAUSE WE SHOULD BE BETTER THAN THE RAPIST, THE PEDOPHILE, THE TERRORIST. Or, we’re supposed to be – to judge by the raw bloodthirst Joey’s callers exhibited, they are not much better than Tsarnaev.****** I, for one, refuse to let the criminal drag me down to his level. Can you jackals even fathom that? Tsarnaev may have to go away, but that is no reason for us to throw away our humanity, our pride, or our justice system.


Mr. Pags, I award you and your sycophants a free public education, as it is apparent none of you have taken advantage of the one offered you in childhood. I also give you sippy cups, as blood can be so hard to get out of your onesies.

AND SO, HAVING VANQUISHED THE MONSTER, paleo MUST awww, hell, what’s this?

A day later, returning home from work, I was listening to The Daily Report, local afternoon liberal talk. Couple of really good fellas, the host Ian and producer Wilhelm, check out their show streaming and as podcasts. (And occasionally you hear me, and occasionally I’m even polite.)

In order to explain the following rant, I have to dig into the weeds of Minnesota politics a touch.

Minnesota, under two whole years of actual leadership courtesy of Governor Mark Dayton******* and a fully Democratic-Farmer-Labor lege , boasted a near $2B surplus, and after 8 years of Guv. Wonderbread and Mayo Timmy Pawlenty, has a lot of stuff to fix, to fund. But (scare chord) last fall, the MN Pubbles took over the MN state House.

They just put out their legislative priorities. Schools? No. Environment? No. Take a guess.  Oh, I can’t hold it in -

TAX BREAKS!!! For a few people. They want to hand out every penny of surplus, plus some borrowed funds, in tax breaks, primarily, I know, shocked, right?, to the wealthy. You got yer school vouchers, no property taxes for corporations, cut the minimum wage for restaurant servers, and, if you’re a $50K household, you get $125.00 EACH YEAR for THE NEXT TWO YEARS! WOOOOait, what about transportation? No? K, gotcha. Every republican fellates derp.

Now, as Ian and William discussed transportation funding, a gentleman, who I suspect believes himself an economic realist and fancies himself a principled libertarian, called about light rail.

Light rail is fairly new to the Twin Cities, is quite popular, and needs expansion. (Particularly from my home suburb to my work exurb. Not gonna happen? Shit.) Caller ‘Chris’ brought up the strawman that light rail will never pay for itself, why do we have it, unspoken racism, unspoken classism, we haz to subsidize it oh noes, why don’t we fix roads********, especially in places far from the urban hellhole that is Minneapolis-St. Paul, like the intersection of Grandpa Braunschweiger Trail and Fire Road 11357 in Itaska Cty.

 paleo blinks, finds scotch

Chris? Ummm, sweetie, WHEN HAVE THE ROADS EVER PAID FOR THEMSELVES? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A TOLL ROAD THAT WAS NOT SUBSIDIZED BY THE STATE? How long, after you finished your interstate highway system, did it take for the riches to roll into your account?

I mean, I have not yet heard that Target put in a Paver selection, even online.

All. Transportation. Is. Subsidized. All transportation is subsidized, it’s a public need, a public good, and it cannot be done without tapping the public commons (ooooo, soshalamalamdingdong). ALL TRANSPORTATION IS SUBSIDIZED. Light Rail is much greener than auto traffic, solves a lot of downtown parking problems. Certainly road (and in MN, especially, bridge, thank you Lil’ Timmy) upkeep is a crucial part of the transportation puzzle, but a well-considered transportation plan requires light rail pieces.

And roads, bridges, and light rail will all be, and will always be, subsidized, and will NEVER turn a profit. They. Are. Simply. Needed. Deal with it, oh libertarian screwhead.  


Caller ‘Chris’, I award you 270,357 feet of MatchBox racetrack, from my parent’s basement. Some of the track may be dinged up, as they also made wonderful impromptu swords. If you can figure out a way to make public, well, anything pay, I’ll award you a subscription to a peer-reviewed transportation journal that you may enlighten us.


*Okay, from Michael Crichton, yeah, I know he was a global warming denialist and in general a twerp, but bitch could write.

**I guess personally I preferred She-Ra, because 11 year old boy and boobs, but actually I was a Warner Bros guy, and Bugs Bunny in drag neither fooled me nor jump started puberty.

***Actually, that’s a Mosiac law thingy, Deuteronomish, like don’t wear both silk and hemp.**** Jesus didn’t say a bloody thing about televising an execution by pipe bomb, he was too busy beating the tar out of peckernecks using religious buildings for commerce.

****Thereby probably preventing some extremely relaxed foreplay. BASTARDS!!!

*****Any review of the news or Governor Rick Perry’s terms in office in Texas show that being that stringent is something right wingers are not especially interested in.

******If they’re serious, that is – most wingers spend a lot of time in their basements watching Fox, trying to find dry underwear.

*******Except for the Viking stadium – why, Gov. Dayton, why?!?!?

********By the way, Chris, the slashed transportation funding? That included roads.