Mark III - Of Course I Start With A Rant

Hi!

Okay, now that that is done...

On another blog, the question was raised:

I hear you but I'm talking about true believers. Is there some level of moral correctness or some social endpoint that a Republican sees that is so beneficial? Has any social scientist or polling outfit done this? What is their dream state? What's it look like to them?

My answer:

So, Republicans hit their first goal, theocracy. Abortion is illegal, the gays are executed, the atheists are executed, dug up, and executed again, anyone failing the Stay-Puft test is enslaved, women are enslaved, TurboJesus comes back and whacks the Jews. Yay them.

Then a crack appears.

The Southern Baptists and most Independent churches hate the Catholics. Nearly as much as they hate the above groups. Whelp, gotta go. Streets get slippery again.

Episcopalians? Waffling fucks. They were never TRULY on board with the abortion/gay/atheist/POC/women/Jews purge. These puddles are getting deep, and does anyone recommend a good laundry detergent for bloodstains on doubleknit slacks?

Amish, Mennonites, Quakers, all 14 Shakers left? 144,000 Jehovah's Witnesses? FUCKERSI mean, they're weird. Move to higher ground, resume operations.

Methodists. A bunch of thugs, pugs, and mugs. Nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers. Hey Most Right Reverend Robertson?! No, not you Pat, Phil, Phil has some upper body strength. My arm is getting tired, can you do axe duty today? Plus I wrenched my back when my foot skidded out from under me on that last swing.

The Non-Denoms. You know, they really don't say Jesus much. It's all Purpose Driven this, Your Best that. We can't take any chances, we're getting so close. No more high ground though, do you think we can find some wellies in the husk of the Anglican church?

PROSPERITY BASTARDSI mean, apostates. Never even once heard them speak in the angelic language humminahummina. Nope. Look, goddamnit-er, gee golly, Benny, I've sharpened this axe so much it's a toothpick. Do you have a pocket knife or a dive bomber?

Okay, okay, good. 50,000 of us, plus, you know, slaves, concubines. Concubine slaves. Great government. Heaven on earth. Of course, Franklin is getting a bit big for his britches, I'm not sure how godly he is... 

I Could Be Famous And Evil If I Had No Moral Structure, Too!

I love Wisconsin. I'm from western WI, and spent much of my life in Badgerland. I know everywhere to hunt and fish, the best camping, breweries, strip clubs. Friends and family throughout the state, Eau Claire, La Crosse, Hayward, Janesville, Madison (80 square miles surrounded by reality), Milwaukee. Home of ghosts and beasties, Ridgeway, the Beast Of Bray Road, Elmwood, Cashton, Crex Meadows. This is why is hurts so much to see the quality of Wisconsin politicians.

La Crosse, where I grew up, has a history of wishy-washy centrists, the mayors I grew up with (primarily Patrick Zielke) being blandly business/COC/Elks Club friendly, up to the congressional level, with the current congressman, Ron Kind, being a damnable Blue Dog, and the prior, Steve Gunderson, a moderate (when there use to be such a thing) Republican.
At the state level, Herb Kohl, nominally Democratic but treated the Senate seat as his due, as the inevitable end game to his wealth, and then did NO-THING with it. Thomas Thompson, Tommy to his masters, far and away the dumbest sibling of an otherwise rather successful family. Ron Johnson, who took Feingold's seat in the 2010 debacle (please vote!, bitches!!!), gleeful teabagger, got schooled by Hillary Clinton. And finally, Paulie (Pecs) Ryan, famed fabricator, took social security while belonging to one of Wisconsin's successful business families, who incidentally made much of the family money via government contract - while calling us lesser folks, who might be relying on a pension or social security, 'moochers'.* 

I bring Roidboy up last, as he has been in the news for his CPAC experiences, primarily his speech and LIES!!!!!! about a brown bag lunch. 
I want to focus on one line from that pile of shit.

"People don't just want a life of comfort--they want a life of dignity."

First of all, no shit. Ass. But also, hey, who has been hell bent on taking away that dignity, for years?! Who is calling the poor 'takers', 'looters', suggesting that those who do not have property should have the franchise taken away from them? Who suggested that working three jobs to make ends meet is 'uniquely american'? (And by the way, Georgie, suck on a tailpipe.) Who blamed inner city issues (whoa, my puppy's ear just perked up. What the hell?) on a lack of work ethic, justified by the 'studies' of Charles Murray?**

It's you, Paulie, you and your co-hoard, claiming that those what ain't got much ain't got pride, that if you ain't got none you didn't deserve none. Good Catholic St. Paulie who ordered a soup kitchen to re-open so he could photo-op his way into the hearts of americans. You're a genuinely horrible person, P-Ry. Lying about marathons, about the 14'ers.**** You got yours, fuck everyone else. Forcing your staffers to read the completely inadequate book (but excellent building materiel) Atlas Shrugged. You never watched Diff'rent Strokes because it was too racially provocative. You. Are. A Weed.

UPDATE: ARE YOU STINKING KIDDING ME? Scott Fitzgerald, Senate Majority leader of WI, blocks a bill to benefit to cancer patients, treating oral cancer meds the same as intravenous treatments, potentially saving patients', well, everything. Shocker - Fitzie's brother is a pharmaceutical lobbyist. My beloved Wisconsin, why are you not running these assholes out of state with pitchforks!?!?!


*FYI, I don't care that he took survivors benefits, he was entitled (SWIDT!) to the benefits his father had earned. But he's a hypocrite and proven public liar.
**Oh, wait, that one was Paulie. Who then claimed he was speaking inarticulately.***
***This is inarticulate. 


Paulie just slipped and spoke his mind.

****From the Gawker article,

Paul Ryan was at the very first Train show.

 What a beautiful way to say "douchebag".

Could This Be It For The New Jersey Gnawer?

First of all, we'll see what Christie is made of, how good a politician he is. The standard has got to be the Big Dog, Bill Clinton, who weathered a semen stained dress and an impeachment and came out be-loved. Or even Dick Cheney, (somewhere in hell, Stalin is saying "Jesus Christ, I can't match that!"), who co-opted the presidential run and administration of an idiot and became, for maybe 5 years, the most powerful man in the world. This while the Secret Service scoured the globe for only the purest unicorn-riding virgin, that Dickey could have a heart powerful enough to not be destroyed by the bile in his veins.

Christie's POTUS run has taken a hard setback for a general election, but he has impressed and made some points with Republican primary voters, who love nothing better than other people's suffering.

This post is not about the Big Chicken, however.

Bridget Anne Kelly, welcome to the big time! You ain't'nt ready yet.

There is a reason you were only deputy chief of staff, ma'am. 3 syllabubs. Pa-per-trail.

In most American state and federal administrations, the chief of staff is the power behind the throne. The COS decides who gets to see the Executive, what information goes to the Executive, tells the Executive when he can boink his wife, all while staying under the radar. Dick Cheney was an outlier, the VP, not the COS, but still basically served that purpose for President Bunnypajamas. Chiefs of staff do not leave paper trails. Cheney didn't even leave a paper trail in the toilet. Something like Bridgeghazigate, a good COS has found someone way down the line to fall on a sword, presumably for some sweet, sweet wingnut welfare, so this nonsense cannot get within the same zip code as the Executive, or the COS.

I don't feel sorry for you, Bridget.

I am a partisan, I enjoy seeing republican filth get busted. Bridgegateghazi was pathetic as far as retribution goes (you killed an old woman, you ass! Get out your checkbook and your children's college funds!), full of Sopranos cosplay.

I don't feel sorry for you because you are clearly playing way out of your league, and may be the dumbest person in New Jersey. Even Snooki doesn't leave a paper trail. (I think. I, and close to everyone else in America, know who she is, but I haven't seen the show, and am not really inclined thusly.)

I don't feel sorry for you because you'll be working for Fox next week, for 5 times the salary of a DCOS. Fuck.

Going fishing.

Competition For Peckerhead Of The Year Is Over

I don't remember my earlier nominees for this year and won't be arsed to look them up...

Because we have an all time winner! (via RWW)

In an already psychotic interview with lil' Ricky Scarborough, Little Peter LaBarbera, wherein in it was discussed, hoo boy, that it would be a fine tactic to file a lawsuit against Gay, Petey said this:

LaBarbera: Yeah I think that’s great. I would love to see it. We always wanted to see one of the kid in high school who was counseled by the official school counselor to just be gay, then he comes down with HIV. But we never really got the client for that. 

Emphases mine. Stupidity his.

Jumpin Jack Christ, you fucking sickball! "It would be so helpful if someone would die and we could use them! W00T!!!1!"

I always wanted to see the Values Voter Summit and the next Teabagger gather of any size finding themselves at the heart of a rather surprised spontaneous black hole. But I never really got the entertainment from that.

(Updated per suggestion, and all enormous credit (and apologies for theftery) to Mr. McGravitas)

Another Good Guy With A Gun Went Past The Expiration Date

Yes, I know it was a woman (with a child in the car? Jesus Christ!!?!), I just have a need to remind people that Wayne LaPierre was a waste of sperm. FALSE FLAG BENGHAZI ROSWELL!!!

That's not what I was really going after, though. It has been a horrendous few days politically. The 27% mouth-breathers have Killed Government In The Auditorium With A Bag Of Dumb, and I fully expect them to go after the credit rating as well, because if you are gonna suck a cock you may as well go for the balls.

I'm aware my language has gotten infinitely coarser of late, at least when talking politics. Don't worry too much, as a nation we are terminally fucked and my little notepad doesn't stand much chance against a collection of people who need directional signals on their Hoverrounds because the teabags covering their eyes prevent them from being human. Here's hoping for a hard flu season. Anyhow.

I try to avoid talking politics with most people, mostly because I am incapable of respecting or responding politely to republicans, and there are too many of them, ooooh, sorry, got that wrong, since 2001 as of 2009 they've mostly been Independents or Libertarians, shut up, twats, in Minnesota, but sometimes I overhear. Today's right wing memes:

The SUV driver chased down by motorcycles and beat up. Wow. Yeah, the cyclists were being shitheads. Doesn't mean you get to kill them. Oh, and "If I were that driver, I'd have had my gun and they'd have really gotten what for. And notice how the news media isn't reporting on this because they're black?" Well, you found out, brighteyes. Oh, and for the record, if the cyclists had been white and the SUV driver black, the SUV driver would have been dead as soon as a cop cleared his car door, followed by "I thought he was stealing it. And he had a gun, he must have tossed it."

The veterans at the World War II memorial, and the National Parks. This one worries me, this is gaining traction, oh-oh-oh the scary BLACK IMPOSTER found out the WWII vets were coming and closed the memorial to show them who is the head Kenyan Pimp! Fuck off, klanboy. What worries me about this meme is that if the 27% mouthbreathers can restore, piecemeal, the bits of the budget they like, and they is sho' nuff trying, screw the rest of the budget and Women, Infants, and Children can die horribly, they'll bring the Moet & Chandon.

Helluva lot of these goddamn worthless teabaggers and their goddamn worthless representatives are children of the World War II vets generation. Wonder if those guys, quietly serving, coming home and building a middle class, in a large part through government money, realized their children would be rabid braindead fucks?

A Couple Of Letters Home

Just wanted to share...

July 31, 2013
Hey folks! 

Thanks for the birthday card, and this weekend Sweetie and I are taking a little weekend up north, we'll use the gift cert for dinner one night. I adore my wife. 

We're doing good here - progress is always slow on the damn house, but it is cheery and stuff, we quibble over things but ever onward. Teh kitties are adorable, the brother-in-law less so but it's cool to have him around. Just had the Neighborhood Night Out, met a bunch of new neighbors, nice people, bring some youth and the pitter-patter of feet between it appears 3 and 15 years oldish. You know I think kids are great, I have a nice big lawn.

You know me, Mr. Big  Liberal, but I'm excited, we're excited, MN Marriage Equality starts at midnight, v. cool... 

We love y'all, take care of yerselves and we'll see you in a couple weeks, 

Love, paleo, Sweetie, Diva Bitch Cat and Punkboy

Sept. 30, 2013
Dad, 

Hope you're alright - I hear they are getting food trucks out to the smaller cities. Mom would have wanted you to eat. 

Things have settled down a little here. I managed to dispose of my brother-in-law, lucky I was sleeping with the gun under my pillow, who knows what he would have done had he caught me by surprise, but with the morgues and cemeteries overflowing I had to get creative. 

It was hard enough with sweetie leaving, but I was just questioned yesterday by agents from the North Shore Provisional People's Council - she and a person known only as Pat are the primary suspects in a series of church flagellations up by Ely. I called the couples next door, and they all called their other significant others, and when faced with that much queeritude they backed off, but then Roald up the street opened up in our general direction and it turned into a brief exchange before the agents headed to a friendly house. Gov. Dayton's Air Force dealt with them with extreme prejudice. The neighborhood has settled into smoldering peace of a sort. 

If the lake cools, I may go fishing. 

No one listened to Cassandra. The man across the street has declared Rastafarian Law and tried to sell me livestock. The cats chewed through the screen door and there are no birds or squirrels left, and actually, thinking about it, I haven't seen the fox kits that had been under the neighbor's shed. What have we done... 

I may head for you, if you can vouch for me at the border. I'll have to fluff it up a bit to make it through the Metro, so excuse the make-up when I see you.  

Watch out, bud.
paleo

This parody inspired by this delightful bit of loonacy. And Green Eggs and Ham. 

That's right! A very generous MFC supporter has agreed to a very generous matching gift, so every dollar you give to help MFC will be DOUBLED up to $10,000, from now through September 30th.

Why? They understand that our religious liberties that have been under attack for many years were further stripped away on August 1st, when same-sex “marriage” became law without any significant religious liberty protections.
Your gift of $25, $50, $100 or more to MFC will be doubled from now through midnight, Monday night, September 30th.

Note: There are more African Americans in this plea for funds then there are in the entire organization.

Dear Jesus, Please Let People Die Of Treatable Shit, I'll Just Blame The Dirty Messicans Anyhow

Seriously, for chrissakes, this woman is dumber than a sack of rotten grapefruit.

“You know who shows up,” Blitzer pressed after Bachmann said her oldest son is a physician. “These are people who don’t have health insurance, and we take care of them.”“Quite often it’s illegal aliens,” Bachmann responded. “Illegal aliens show up, so we the American taxpayer are picking up the tab for people who aren’t American citizens.”

Stupid fucking tool.

I went to emergency rooms any number of times during the years I went without insurance, often well after any long-term damage was already done, but I was tired of coughing/puking, which at that point would have stopped on its own within a few days. You know, the reason primary care physicians exist, and why everyone should have one, and why don't we have BLEEDIN' SINGLE PAYER?

Fucking Evil. Acid Eyes, and the Pubbies, and their merry band of scrotum suckers, are bloodthirsty fucking monsters.

An Open Letter To Fox News And The Daily Tucker

Dear sirs  To whom it may concern  If I may have a moment of your time  Messrs Tucker and Ailes

Um.

HEY! ALL Y'ALL RIGHT-WING, RACIST, WOMAN HATING, FUNDIGELICAL, GUN-FUCKING SHITHEADS! 

Ok, listen up!

Fox and Friends and The Daily Caller have raised some eyebrows recently in the coverage of the murder of Christopher Lane in Oklahoma, a baseball player from Australia, out for a jog, and thrilled killed by a trio of dumbasses. Said dumbasses have been identified and arrested, and are so to learn the criminal justice system in detail I am not sure they ever imagined. The point I am going to make is not about the dumbasses.

Both Fox and Friends and the Daily Tucker have reported the suspects as 3 black teenagers. This is incorrect, but go with me here. For that matter, they don't mention that, hey, guns, cool, drool!, but anyway. Both Fox and Friends and Mr. Carlson's errand boys have asked* where the outrage went, why is this manifestation of Black Pantherish radicalism, this enforcement of Jim Crow against the disenfranchised crackers of, um, Australia, or something, being treated as a media afterthought, as opposed to the crowds and speeches and protests related to the  trial of the (now, with moar shotgun!) murderer of Trayvon Martin. (Again, see Mediaite link). In other words, and I can't believe this clause is tripping off my fingers, F&F and Tucker's Rag are waiting for Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and President Black Darkie McKenyan to say, well, who knows, they wouldn't listen anyhow, doesn't matter.
Please allow me to drop a nickel in your brains...

• After Christopher Lane was killed, there was an immediate investigation
• The investigation discovered the identities of the three dumbasses
• The three dumbasses were then apprehended and are jailed, as opposed to having been given a pat on the melon, told, congratulations, you just killed your first niAustralian and sent home with a skip in their steps and a song in their hearts
• The three dumbasses were not given the benefit of an entire television network, hell, an entire print/audio/video media community, calling them heroes, calling for the extermination of all niAustralians, and blaming Christopher Lane for every murder in North America since President Garfield.
• The three dumbasses, not having a wing of the professional media propping them up, do not have supporters holding up signs about how all niAustralians are thugs, professional ninja chopsaki cold blooded purple drankers hopping to their gangster flows like Fifty Cents.

Oh, I did miss one small similarity in the cases, though. For legal reasons the three dumbasses are referred to as alleged murderers, but Imma take a leap.

DUMBASS 1, DUMBASS 2, DUMBASS 3, AND GEORGIE? GUILTY AS HELL.

Oh, hey, by the way - aren't gunz dr-e-e-e-e-a-a-m-y?

*in this period not long after the comic Performance Piece of the Century, the Zimmerman Trial for his murder of Trayvon Martin

Congratulations, Republicans. We Are Now Officially The Dumbest People In History

Lunch. W00t!1! Lessee, ham sammich, chips, fresh pico de gallo, thanks sweetheart, what to read. Ummm, Raw Story?

Wow. Holy dammit. My peachy mood has improved so much stuff and stuff...

Idiots Found At Sea. Shorter: Government bad abortion bad gays icky let's take our children to the island nation of Wherethefuckoa. Lost at sea for 3 months? shockhorror. The moment that the US taxpayer-funded flight hits US soil, I want those children in the custody of, well, really, anyone has got to be better than the Swiss Family Mouthbreather. Then send the parents to a place they have earned - the belly of a shark. I don't care if it's in Seaworld, I'll buy the PPV.

Requested Edit:


Another Coward With A 9mm Penis Shows How Neat Gun Culture Is. Shorter:The 8 year old kid was carrying Legos, do the math. You fucking drama queens with your metal genital replacements - follow this man's example, swallow a bullet. Skip the whole kill a kid thingie, plz. Hell, suck a tailpipe, killyerselfwithfire, I no longer give a shit, just go away permanently. You all, so pants-pissingly terrified of your own shadow, or Skittles, or 8 year-olds? Take some goddam initiative, hide from them as effectively as can be imagined. Useless gits.
      Alternative Cowards With 9mm Penises Show How Brave They Are. Frappacinos can give you a helluva ice-cream headache, but don't worry, these warriors will protect you. I am, in truth, somewhat surprised that none of these gimps were carrying an AR-15 in Newtown - that's usually how they roll. Inbreds.

Man With Sourdough Culture On His Head Opens Mouth On National TV Again. Ted Cruz should not be president. He is not right, in any sense of the word. I don't mind him being humilerated, makes me happy. As to his eligibility, I don't know anything about what the hell Trump is talking about (some controversy? I'll look it up later) and am not too terrified, I mean, even if he is an evil foreigner he is, somehow, more, umm, normal than President Obama if'n youknowwudImeannIthinkyoudo. {/birfer} No, fuck Ted Cruz and the corpse of Joe McCarthy he rode in on. My point is, how in the hell does this gaseous conman get on TV anytime he likes to fart at America? What editor/producer says at the Friday morning meeting, "Ratings are down, we are trying too hard to inform the electorate, and I got a quick fix", and can we try him for crimes against humanity?

Shit, need more music.

The Return Of Batshit-Crazy Acid-Eyes Michele Bachmann

Not really a return, or new, but Lip Reading fun! (h/t Alyson Chadwick, DailyBanter)

Meryl Streep Wins Oscars. Antonin Scalia Wins Assholes Of The Days

NSFAnyone, angrish, you've been warned.

Gate Pause:

There are days I wish there was a hell, just for these jackals.

Are you fucking kidding me? This fucking fat fucker fundamentalist backward bastard piece of fucking fuck, useless yapping goddamn racist pigfucker!

(para) "The Voting Rights Act is a racial entitlement." Those poor, put-upon southern whites, overrun by hordes of urbans. Inuits terrorizing Alaskans at the polls.The illegal Mexipeople who put that dreadful Latina Jan Brewer into the AZ governatorship a second term, forcing chalupas on helpless retirees.

Choke on a bag of salted burning dicks, goddam Godfather wannabe Opus Dei fuckstick rancid-egg sucking hack!

I HATE THESE BASTARDS. HATE. THESE. BASTARDS. GAH!!!

Submitted Without Comment - Random Gunsense

My wife found these - thanks, Sweetie!

So absolutely right on.

The First Rule Of Peak Wingnut...

My prognostication skills rate poorly. Just 2 days ago I thought Louie the Lizard had won the Wingnutolympics

with his discovery that the Black Sith had given Libya to Al Qaeda for his own sinister purposes, sharks with frikkin laser beams, or helping sick people not be, you know, sick. Hell, he had gone so far into the TimeCube I thought it an end to the years wild wacky wacistness!

Bouy, that opinion sunk quickly.

I present to you the theory of the Butthurt Bearded Sky Fairy

“I opened up a birthday present that I didn’t like, and I said it right out, ‘Oh, I don’t like those,’” the radio host recalled. “And it just crushed — and the person that gave me gift was there. You know, I just kind of blurted it out, ‘I don’t like those.’ And it just crushed that person. It was enormously insensitive of me to do that.”
“And you think, that’s kind of how we’re treating God when he’s given us these gifts of abundant and inexpensive and effective fuel sources,” Fischer added. “And we don’t thank him for it and we don’t use it.”
“You know, God has buried those treasures there because he loves to see us find them.”

Bryan Fischer of the AFA team, be proud, quite a feat!* The refs are still running to place your marker! How much do you think I can bench press?

*Note: Current results, finals dependent upon blood sampling.

Peak Wingnut? Smeghead Into The Lead!

Whilst writing my last TL;DR post, an expected contender for the Wingnut Warrior trophy made his play, and a strong one, Louie's going for broke. 

For our audience at home, we will say that with this all-in strategy, he better be careful, if one of the distinguished gentlemen of the republican party in a flail fight tries to match his bid, Mr. Gohmert will have to go very far afield to top this. He's got a reputation as a banger, and is clearly dissociative, but this one is stone fucking out there:

From TP.

GOHMERT: What was all the rage a year and a half ago? It was the Arab Spring and how wonderful it was! This administration really embraced blowing out Mubarak – yes, do it up by all means – getting rid of Qaddafi, it wasn’t enough to send verbal accolades, this administration sent planes and bombs and support to oust Qaddafi so that al-Qaeda and the Muslim Brotherhood could take over Libya.

IT BURNS! THE CRAZY, IT SO BURNS!