Thursday, January 29, 2015

Jumping, Well, Hopping, Well, Maybe Vaguely Moving Up And Down For Joy!

In the middle of a stupid work week, but...

paleo (and paleobrother) have tickets for Rush at Xcel Centre (May 12)!!

paleo (and Sweetie) have tickets for Weird Al at Mystic Casino (July 3)!!

Sweetie says I owe her


Saturday, January 24, 2015

Clearly, God Drinks. A Bit.

Look. Just look. Or don't. It will be better for your brain if you don't.

This is the face of madness.

This has made the rounds. Some observations per paleo:

  1. Look at the smile. Either some lunatic Fox-addled 89 year old teabagger just donated his Socialism Security check to the Ceremonial Palin Pool Endowment, otherwise known as SARAHPAC, or she is having teh buttsechs right there. Of the two, Imma prefer it be the sign of a successful grift, as there are people who find pleasure, passion, hell, even utility, in buttsechs. Let me put it this way: of Sarah or buttsechs, I would not vote for Sarah for Vice President.
  2. 'Fuc_ You' - Two options here, ignoring the name 'Michael Moore', which they could copy out of any web post by Hate-Gnome Michelle Malkin or Falafel Bill O'Ragey, so that's easy, or have daughter Drano transcribe. But, the word 'fuck'. Four letters. That's a lot of letters, hell, nearly five, especially if they have to make it to 'U'. I could see the "But Sarah Wanked At Me" club having that difficulty. The second option is that they believe they have invented their own Enigma Machine, and the libs won't catch the hidden meaning. Ummm. So, isn't Princess Sudafed Of The Wasilla Crystal Fest a big Jesus-beater? I thought that fucking moral goddam motherfuckers didn't use the fucktastic word 'fuck' at all?
  3. The finely drawn, I must know the make of the protractor they must have used, gunsights in the name 'Michael Moore'. So, errr, when The Woman With The Blue Meth Colored Eyes put gunsights on the locations of Democratic congresspeople, getting Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords (D. AZ) shot and six people, including a little kid, killed, you bloodthirsty grift-bitch, she claimed they were surveyor marks showing the districts of the congresspeople. Which district is Michael Moore representing?
  4. Imma also guess she's hammered. She's in Iowa right now with Michele Bachmann downing Diesel and worrying that Marcus is conversion therapying Todd. Yes, I wrote that. Share it with your spouses.
Please run for President, Empress Cariboufucker. Please. I have to see this. Seriously.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

You Can Choose A Ready Guide In Some Celestial Voice

Ok, so I find out today that this is happening. (By the way, goddammit.)

In St. Paul, the Xcel Center on May 12.

Presales start tomorrow AM and involve hoops of jumping, but Imma suspect that tickets for general distribution might be a challenge and possibly 10% shy of ridiculous. Especially on TicketBastards (Suck).

So, I must now contact friends and learn how to use a computer. Also possibly rob a bank, but that is an undesirable last resort...

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Okay, Now The Universe Is Just Mocking Me

Two stories in the news recently:

Southern Twatwaffles Demonstrate Their Patriotism And Racism (from Salon)
Yes, those oh so proud Merkins south of the Masie-Dixie Line (and presumably Indiana, Pennsyltucky, Cincinnati) have (admittedly, apparently not celebrated much at the official level in most of those places, but still on the books) holidays celebrating the birthday of Bobby (Brutal Slaveholder) Lee. Also, (admittedly), most pre-dated MLK day. So fucking what. You have a holiday celebrating a military commander who gave up his oath to take up arms against his country and his fellow US. Army personnel. Are you merely trying to reach Gary Busey levels of self-awareness, or is there a longer term plan/larger goal? (The answer is no.)

Holly Hobby Lobby Cheats On Husband In Military Service, Finds Jesus, No Humor Erupts (h/t Addicting Info)
Holly Fisher (I have no problems using her name - she put herself in the public eye the first time she found Jesus) was a highly visible campaigner for the Hobby Lobby corporation shitting on half of the human race. She then cheated on her active duty military husband. She then got caught. She then found Jesus again. She then gained fans, and her existing fans became more rabid.

Comment the first, on the Confederate Pig-Fellators (my own comment at Sadly! No.). The comment itself is in answer to: why do Democrats not vote as much as we should, and could it be because we sense we are already doomed. It's also on topic for this post.
How do you fight that, though? 
A traitorous bastard. Who lost. Yeah, he had moments of military brilliance, and the almost insane dedication of the members of ANV, but the question was never really in doubt, he was never going to be able to significantly impact the manufacturing bases of the North, nor could he ever match the North in sheer numbers – we invented the zerg rush. The best he could have hoped for was the ’63 campaign where he hoped to take Washington DC and then sue for peace. Meanwhile, Sherman was half-heartedly informing the South in general of the poor political choices made by their leadership. And Lee knew all of that, and was asked to serve his country, and said ‘hell with you, I like slavery!’. 
And for the south, mentioned several times in several documents, from their POV it was all about teh people-owning. Lincoln as much as said all he wanted to do was preserve the Union, slavery or not – this was power-play as much and more than principle. 
Educational assessment has changed since No Child Learning Basics so that rankings of states for educational achievement no longer really mean anything – everyone is teaching to the test. I don’t remember, nor actually would have ever had a reason to know, how Arkansas stood in rankings before NCLB, but like most southern states of the time (I do remember, for many years, Mississippi being 50th in state rankings, that high because there were only 50 states) I suspect that the majority of children received educations lacking in the learning of stuff. That’s how you end up with this sort of truly amazing bullshit. 
HM, your point is good,re: liberals and not voting because we’re convinced we’re probably doomed. I wonder how much of a factor in that POV is because we can’t even begin to see what it would take to save these goddamn morons from themselves. And how much effort and time and, sad to say but this is in the calculation, money, can we spare? I want to save the kids, but their parents are so, often willfully, stupid that I can’t help but want to just say go to hell. 
2 cents.
I'm not a Civil War scholar, and am happy to take criticism/correction if I've missed or mis-stated anything, but I think I'm basically correct.

Comment the second on Holly.

Are you fucking kidding me.

No, seriously. It's time to turn paleo loose. I'm gonna screw everything, men, women, Ford Fairlanes, ceiling fans. Imma invent new sexual positions - 69? You puss. I'm going for the 276. I'm gonna deal metamucil in old folks homes, first shot free to get them hooked. I'm then going to find Jesus, probably in my bubble bath after a quality mexican meal, and run for President on the Romneybot v.2032/paleo ticket.

We're fucked! W00t!1!!!

Consumer Review - Let's Dish

On Saturday, having received gift certificates for Christmas, Sweetie and I went to Let's Dish.

Let's Dish is a commercial food prep business. It publishes monthly a list of recipes, and has in the store stations where you prep the food, to take home ready to cook. Initially, I believed that there you created heat and eat dishes, including for conditions such as diabetes (me) and gluten intolerance (Sweetie). Upon going, I learned that that this was not the case: the published recipes had ingredient lists and nutritional value information, giving you the information to choose wisely.

(I believe now I was conflating Let's Dish with Seattle Sutton's, two of which, in the northern suburbs of the Twin Cities, I see have moved or closed. I was not impressed with the business model even as I thought about doing it - the primary barrier to entry is the requirement of access to a commercial-grade kitchen, licensed and inspected. And such.)

We created 8 half-size recipes (ideally becoming sixteen meals for the two of us - bearing in mind I suck at portion control...). The meals created are bagged as full or half orders, and Chez Paleo and his inimitable assistant Sous-Chef Sweetie brought them home to freeze. They are meant to be then thawed and cooked, stovetop or baked, with destructions and estimated times.

OK, review time...

The place sparkled, the recipe stations were clean and neat, with silverware/measuring ware changed frequently by the staff. That's really to be expected for such a thing but still good to see. Headwraps and aprons are required, and I am seriously hot in a dew-rag - my milkshake brings the never mind...

Although my initial, and incorrect, thoughts regarding specialized menus were so, so damn wrong, it was easy to pick menu items. The work stations are clearly labeled and in a vague form of order - putting together a package, even with us gleefully snarking at each other, took no more than 10-15 minutes apiece.

In the vein of gleefully snarking at each other, my wife and I, although quite happy, live a terminally screwy life and don't get to see each other/do as much together as we'd like. We did this together, sort of a datey thing, and had a lot of damn fun.

Recipe destructions and estimated times for final cook are pretty reasonable - you typically need an oven, or stovetop, maybe a propane torch, house fire, basically some form of heat, and 30 minutes to an hour.

There is a downside - you pay for it. We had gift certificates, and enjoyed it so much that we are likely to continue with it, to some extent, after the certificates are done, but there is expense - be aware.

I give it two sliced thumbs up!

Sunday, January 11, 2015

On To The Championship Game

We played well enough to win. Particularly on the offensive side of the ball. Rodgers played very well, considering at the moment he runs like I do. Poorly. Lacy played well. Receivers had some drops, but also some passes that our guys couldn't catch with an extension ladder and oxygen masks. 

We need to play better at Seattle. We still have Dom Capers as DC, so there is still time for us to get ready to get blown out...And buy shovels and quicklime.

Regarding the Dez Bryant controversy? I expect everyone agrees that the rule was applied correctly. If you don't like the rule, and honestly, I'm on the fence, complain to the NFL Rules Committee. Am I happy about it? Sure, I won't claim any hypocrisy, it was an enormous call. What I am not happy about:

The Dallas Wankers Cowboys have the almost the worst fair-weather fanbase in the country, nearly into Minnesota Vikings territory. Dallas had a good season, can't knock them for it, but all the fair-weather celebrities, sports pundits, and ass-kissers (Chris MommyIssues Christie!?!?!) have trotted back out their "football street cred" and enduring love for the Uglys. These peckernecks will now spend an entire off-season complaining about the Bryant call.

May I suggest to them -

Dear Nationwide Syphilitic Genitalias; 
If the Cowboys are so damn good, why couldn't they hold an eight point lead, as opposed to praying for a call when they had gone down by 5 with four minutes left? 
Please to be shutting yer pieholes, 
Love, paleo

Saturday, January 10, 2015

An Open Letter To The Modern Thomas Pain(e)s

So, I've been on Twitter for a while. (twitterwhore: @paleotectonics). 

I don't often use it to try to engage, don't even typically look at the timeline. I don't believe it is even really possible to debate with 140 characters - I consider myself primarily a polemicist, so, admittedly, that can be fun, but I can get more creative here. I mostly just use it to talk to the friends I've made and abuse radio show hosts. 

Now, this morning, I did breeze through my timeline. (Every once in a while I look at Yahoo and Youtube comments, as well. These are not good places. Mostly just reminders that Adventure Time is prophecy and not the result of psilocybin and Benadryl.)  One of the folk I follow is Trix (@commiegirl1) of Wonkette, and she got into an brief exchange this AM, probably nothing much to her at her level of notability, but one of the tracks she was in contained a quote I found rather illustrative.

Liberals are Americans who hate the ideals that made America free & prosperous. They poison the water of freedom

Ferpplt. The frak. Hmmm. K.

Dear Modern Day Martin Luthers,


Okay, Eustis, I realize you believe you are channelling Thomas Jefferson(1). I realize your talking points are filled with this gargle. I realize you have gone through pallets of cardboard, boxes of markers, and hours upon hours with rulers creating masterpieces of political philosophy.



There's a reason we mock you. Gleefully, in my case. You not only do not address a single argument, you can't seem to get near the topic. Paul Krugman says that the math and the evidence/experience shows that raising the minimum wage doesn't hurt the economy. You respond BIRTHCERTIFICATEGHAZI. Bill Nye gives his likely valuable time to Ken Ham in a quixotic attempt to educate him, of all people. Ham responds with godidit and by attempting to game the tax system and most existing labor laws

I'm certain you are an inspiration. Your garden gnomes remain standing throughout your whole howl. If it rains, you've inspired gawd to fix your irrigation. If the wind blows, you've inspired gawd to dry you the hell off after the rain. Congratulations. But.

Our country has legitimate problems, and the adults need to work on it. So you go find tricorners for your lego city denizens, or work on your discourse. If you don't like the minimum wage, give an actual reason. If you don't like President Obama, give a legitimate reason. I didn't like President FootiePajamas, and for reasons, not having anything to do with the fact that he was a dry-drunk coke-fiend puppet to his Vice President. Unknown trillions lost in a crusade in the Middle East. The attempt to privatize Social Security. His letting New Orleans drown while rebuilding Trent Lott's vacation home. 

Step up your game, or go sit in the stands, chief.

Love, paleo

(1)Or, perhaps, more likely, Jefferson Davis.  Possibly Jefferson Sessions, R-AL, Kleagle of the Klowncil Of Klitizens, District South. Unlikely George Jefferson, East Side, Deluxe Apartment In The Sky.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Just A Couple Thoughts About The Paris Attacks

I won't belabor the tragedy and stupidity of the events in Paris at the Charlie Hebdo magazine offices. But, I did note this, and wish to submit with comment. I know, me?

President Francois Hollande called the shooting“an act of indescribable barbarity”.

Imma propose a thought experiment. I’ll use myself, just as an example. If you prefer, use yourself, or your local weather man, or ag reporter. Wevs.

Suppose I was a better writer. Suppose anyone read my better writing. Suppose that after one of my typical bits, say, for example, pointing out that Scott Walker even failed Douchebro 101 and performed cunnilingus on capybara, some vapid patriot, eyes full of mucus, brains full of Fox News and thrombosis, pants crammed full of American Sniper in paperback, a dictionary for the hard words, a dictionary for the word ‘dictionary’, and a theoretical erection (when thinking of considering the possibility of looking into the opportunity of perhaps one day, maybe soon, joining the military and killing brown people) were to come to my doorstep, (he thinks, the street numbers are kind of high, 3 digits is his usual limit), squints at me as if doing his best Clint Eastwood impression, or as if perhaps the Fibrilex is finally taking effect, and does something to me.

I’d have a better shot of Hollande saying something nice about me than anyone in the USA even taking notice.

Our President? I generally like the guy, and can’t fault him for this, but there are 100 shootings a day in the Land of the Bleeding. I’m small fry.

Our media? Andy Cooper wearing a JeSuis Paleo t-shirt? CNN speculating that I have MH-370 stashed in my fruit cellar? If it was covered at all, only then until the MN CSI crew left.

The entirety of Fox News in a writhing, almost ethereal, almost dance, a telegraph of obeisance to the Nether Gods, celebrating the end of a liberal, culminating in drunken orgiastic cries from vats of potato salad and bile.*

Just saying.

*BTW, fuck Fox News. For the record.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Why Did This Not Win All The Oskars Mk.II

Okay, so I am still in healing mode, Sweetie, I, and Brother-in Law kicking back. Wings and video. My brother in law was sent for video. Somehow the choice came down to me. My requirements tend to be specific yet surprisingly easy:
1.) Robots
2.) Lasers
3.) Robots meeting lasers, with predictable vaporitic results.
4.) Boobs Daisies and puppies and anything written by Nicholas Sparks, sweetheart, with zombies.
So, BIL off to Redbox with my specs. I searched online and gave him a ranked choice. Sanitorium*, Maleficent (despite my enduring loathing for Angelina Pitt, I'm somewhat intrigued), and Horrible Bosses (recommended to me, but I hate cringe comedy, and if that's what it is I'll be unpleasant). (For the record, Redbox is a poor goddammed way to get videos. Anyhow.)

BIL returned with Maleficent, which we will be watching, but I was starting to have a gore-on for Sanatorium, so we went to one of the 37 services we have and found it.

*So, Sanatorium. Not about anything related to a frothy mixture.

Briefly, the plot is a ghost-hunting show (yes, I have watched all of the the ghost-hunting shows. Bite me), for its special 100th ep, does an investigation in a very haunted former sanatorium (see how it ties together) (it's this sort of world creation/atmosphere setting that separates the just-out-of-film-school-writer/producer/cinematographer from the random man of the street, and reminds me why Ron Howard is inexplicably wealthy yet Clint Howard is considered a genius lunatic and possible cannibal/amphibian molester.) Bad things happen, including the fact that the whole film is shot as 'found footage'.

For the record, I enjoyed 'Blair Witch'. I like 'Paranormal Activity'. I tolerated Borat. Found footage sucks on ice. Blue filters and green filters (to resemble footage from an IR camera), most eviscerations wait until the end, rarely any good views of the evulz critters (not actually defined as clear shots of the Big Bad, but interesting shots of the critter/its badness are called for.)

You know what, it's not a bad little film. Some pretty effective jump cuts, leaves mysterious what ought to be mysterious, some simple but appropriate effects. Nice body count, decent amount of blood, (not Saw levels, that's ridiculous, but enough to let you know bad things...) Rather short, but probably better for it.

Two disarticulated thumbs up!