Saturday, January 11, 2014

Could This Be It For The New Jersey Gnawer?

First of all, we'll see what Christie is made of, how good a politician he is. The standard has got to be the Big Dog, Bill Clinton, who weathered a semen stained dress and an impeachment and came out be-loved. Or even Dick Cheney, (somewhere in hell, Stalin is saying "Jesus Christ, I can't match that!"), who co-opted the presidential run and administration of an idiot and became, for maybe 5 years, the most powerful man in the world. This while the Secret Service scoured the globe for only the purest unicorn-riding virgin, that Dickey could have a heart powerful enough to not be destroyed by the bile in his veins.

Christie's POTUS run has taken a hard setback for a general election, but he has impressed and made some points with Republican primary voters, who love nothing better than other people's suffering.

This post is not about the Big Chicken, however.

Bridget Anne Kelly, welcome to the big time! You ain't'nt ready yet.

There is a reason you were only deputy chief of staff, ma'am. 3 syllabubs. Pa-per-trail.

In most American state and federal administrations, the chief of staff is the power behind the throne. The COS decides who gets to see the Executive, what information goes to the Executive, tells the Executive when he can boink his wife, all while staying under the radar. Dick Cheney was an outlier, the VP, not the COS, but still basically served that purpose for President Bunnypajamas. Chiefs of staff do not leave paper trails. Cheney didn't even leave a paper trail in the toilet. Something like Bridgeghazigate, a good COS has found someone way down the line to fall on a sword, presumably for some sweet, sweet wingnut welfare, so this nonsense cannot get within the same zip code as the Executive, or the COS.

I don't feel sorry for you, Bridget.

I am a partisan, I enjoy seeing republican filth get busted. Bridgegateghazi was pathetic as far as retribution goes (you killed an old woman, you ass! Get out your checkbook and your children's college funds!), full of Sopranos cosplay.

I don't feel sorry for you because you are clearly playing way out of your league, and may be the dumbest person in New Jersey. Even Snooki doesn't leave a paper trail. (I think. I, and close to everyone else in America, know who she is, but I haven't seen the show, and am not really inclined thusly.)

I don't feel sorry for you because you'll be working for Fox next week, for 5 times the salary of a DCOS. Fuck.

Going fishing.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Open Letter To Morning Grind, AM950, MN's Progressive Radio - War On Sasquatch Edition

Morning drive time radio again. Matt McNeil, guest host Kate Tracy, producer William Wonderful - this is my show. I'm not a daily call-in, but fairly often.

Ok, 2cd amendment stuff, Obamacare, my progressive fervor mounts!

Ooof, derp, the dumbass Texas-hunter-kills-Bigfoot story. What fresh hell will this be?...Wow. Well, open letter time.

Mr. McNeil, Mr. Wonderful, Mrs. Tracy (No, you don't get out of this.):

You are trolling me, dudes. I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Let's try this from another angle.

There are many oddball, near impossible creatures in nature.

  • Platypusses
  • Nancy Grace
  • My dog, all 40 pounds of whom is trying to sit on my chest, and who ate my favorite Packer hat yesterday. After I'm confident he has learned sit and stay, we'll have to work on the Lombardi Era.
Zoologically speaking, and comparatively, I believe that the possibility of Bigfoot existing is a rather reasonable hypothesis.

As far as the Dyar story and picture, let me preface by saying everything is bigger in Texas, especially the idiots. Upon review of the story, he shot something hairy, chasing after meat in the woods, in the South, I believe what he has there, is ...

Phil Robertson.

Now, I say to you good day. GOOD DAY SIR!!

Love, paleotectonics

Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Temperature Is Something Well Below Stupid

I had a number of errands that had to be done today:

  • Track down the last Ion Auger in Minnesota. (I'm a dignified old man and do not need to cut holes by hand.)
  • Work on making my snowblower create noise and vibration and occasionally blow snow into my face. Maybe even clear the driveway and walk.
  • Repair a mailbox that more or less decided to escape the post and get into the warmer (slightly) garage. 
  • Convince my dog to use the backyard. He is reluctant, to say the least, leading to this conversation - (paleo) "Jackson, come on buddy, let's go out!" (Jackson) "OhboyohboyohboyoutsideoutsideoutsideHOLY FUCK!" (paleo) "Yeah, I know buddy, just go and then you can come in and sit by the heating grate." (Jackson) (pees and hits Mach 2 back to the back door) "Treats, dude, treats."
  • Watch the Packers. Revel in hate for the criminal Harbaugh, and Glenn Beck groupie Kipperneck. Hope to see them cry. Hope to see us win. These are equivalent goals.
  • Belly rubs for farting dog. Jesus, Jackson. 
Success for the first, and the last three, bulletpoints. The second two should wait for spring, but I should get to the mailbox tonight and the snowblower this week, need it for ice fishing vacation. Big lake. Kidding.

Imma watch the game, we're doing okay at the half, Dom Capers needs to be run through a colander to illustrate to him that his defense can't hold water. Asshole. Comment if you like, creative ways to maim the Fox Studio Crew are welcome. And the dreaded Aikman/Buck Illiteracy Hour.

UPDATE: John Kuhn for the TD, about 12 mins left in 4th. TD TV Timeout. Old Spice commercial with stalking mothers. What the fucking fuck.


UPDATE 2: And 2013 is closed. The offense showed enough fire to win a game, and the defense was not as bad necessarily as they have been, but still bad enough, especially on that last drive, to lose. Yeah, injuries by the assload, but still, Dom Capers needs to be taken out to a farm, where he can chase rabbits all day.

Here's to next year!

Friday, January 3, 2014

Wherein I Take Chris Kluwe At His Word

So, the big news in the Twin Cities is Chris Kluwe.

Mr. Kluwe, my onlyest ever favorite (now former) Viking, is an verbose proponent of gay rights/gay marriage, and took his advocacy wonderfully, beautifully public during the Minnesota Protect Our Tight, Sensitive, Buttstarfish From The Oiled, Post Workout Sweat-Sheened Six-Packed Fruitqueergots Blech Amendment, blasting a Maryland legislator who went on the record saying that the Ravens should force Brendon Ayanbadejo to hush it.
He followed that with an article deconstructing a statement by former Viking center Matt Birk in favor of 'traditional marriage',

In his latest article, he states that he held off with this statement out of respect for his teammates during the course of this season, that he has/had no issues with Vikings owner Zygi Soprano, and that he can't prove and will not claim that he was fired solely for his advocacy, but that he strongly suspects it. So here, at the end of the Vikings Pop-Warner-League-Championship-calibre season, he has spoken out, calling former head coach Leslie Frazier and current General Manager Rick Spielman cowards, and special teams coach (also candidate for new 'Queens head coach) Mike Priefer a bigot.

This is complicated, honestly.

First off, full disclosure, I'm a Kluwe fan. I think he's a fellow weirdo. And I think his head is in the right space.

Unpacking this, there are two primary legs to this stool, and a third, not as important, but tending towards his veracity. Given the characteristics of the tertiary leg, let's get it out of the way quickly.

He admits he's done with football, he's older, he is fully aware that after this article he is unmarketable. Yes, that's right, Ray Lewis, murderer, will go into the NFL Hall O' Fame. Michael Irvin, Lawrence Taylor, cocaine vacuumatics, already there. Chris Kluwe will got to PAX and Comicon. He gets nothing out of this, except perhaps closure, but is honest enough to admit that if Priefer, his primary villain, were to suffer professionally, it wouldn't hurt his feelings. I give this point to Mr. Kluwe, and am likely to take him at his word.

Primary leg one. Anyone thinking the NFL is not homophobic as hell is fooling themselves but no one else. I say that as an NFL, well, Green Bay Packer and whoever is playing the damn Cowboys and the damner Bears, fan. It's all about the macho, who's toughest. Brett Favre played through 413 concussions and can't remember his family's names half the time, but he was the ultimate toughman. What does toughness have to do with being gay? Not a damn thing unless you're an idiot, but, a lot of idiots watch and work for ESPN. Being an NFL coach is the closest you can be to a legal dictator, until you get fired Players not coming forward to back up Kluwe's statements (I am talking very much to Vikings K Blair Walsh) recognize that their own careers are on the line for speaking out (especially with Priefer on the Head Coach bubble.). NFL HR and press offices are cautious to a fault. "We take it one game at a time, love my coaches and my city and my fans, God willing we'll make the playoffs." Rinse and repeat. Anyone not Peyton Manning, who does commercials for Papa John's (who wanted to cut hours and employees rather than provide health insurance? Jackasses.), who says anything is risking 'the product', and the NFL gets twerky about it. Point to Kluwe.

Primary leg two. Kluwe was getting older, getting really good money for a punter, and punters are not exactly important in the NFL scheme of things. One bad game for a punter/kicker can often mean unemployment. A good punter with a long career makes a half season's pay for someone like, well, Peyton Manning. In the 2012 season, I wanted Packer's kicker Mason Crosby not only fired but possibly beaten. In the 2013 season I want Dom 'The Gaping Hole' Capers, Defensive Coordinator of the Packers, fired, beaten, healed, re-hired, fired, and beaten. Any NFL career is capricious at best. Punters are not only hardly immune, they provide excellent scapegoats, are noticed and remembered only when they do poorly, and receive credit only within the bowels of the Monday morning special-teams debriefing. Point to the Vikings.

For myself, I am taking Kluwe's statements as genuine. I also know that not a damn thing will be done about them, we have to give a stadium to a billionaire, ya know.

What do you think?

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Speak For Yourself, Dude!

The head of the MN Democratic-Farmer-Labor party was interviewed on drive-time radio this morning, and said (para)"The ACA is a step in the right direction. Most Americans want to see everyone have health insurance."

Fuck that noise.

I want to see everyone have HEALTH CARE. As in the chance to see, be evaluated by, a doctor. By whatever means necessary. If it involves some sort of insurance scheme, and that is the only way to get people HEALTH CARE, son-of-a-bitch, but at least people will have HEALTH CARE.

On a basic level, however, health insurance is a scam, gambling on the life of a person, and the health insurance companies have no particular mission or any particular frame of mind towards providing HEALTH CARE for anyone. Nothing makes an insurance company happier than you paying your premiums in full for the year and then unexpectedly getting caught in a woodchipper.

The ACA is only a step in the right direction if along those coordinates there is a single payer system.