Saturday, April 25, 2015

In Which paleo Yells At Radio And Clouds (Maybe). Also, Awards!

Last weekend, while running errands on a Saturday morning, as is typical of Saturday AM radio all my usual radio stations had
“Use miracle Vitamin X-7, made from pressed anaconda. Cures diabetes; colonoscopy; hysteria and other typical female problems; and vaccine-based diseases such as autism and not missing a year of school because of a polio outbreak in your bedroom!
“Buy an apartment complex for no money down and retire by this afternoon!”
“The Fluoubeetazinc in organic raised eggplants will allow you to buy an apartment complex with no money down and give everyone polio by this afternoon!”

Blech. Hmmph. Scanscanscanscan what the everfucking love?

Okay, right wing clap-your-hands-to-save-Jesus-From-Well-Me radio, some clich├ęd tough guy calling himself Joe Pags, no link because he’s not the central point here, just another low-rent Michael Savage with dreams of moving up to become a low rent Mark Levin, who watches American Sniper while wearing both Depends and a condom. Mr. Pags and his acolytes were, near as I can tell, discussing the Tsarnaev trial and sentencing phase, in the common right wing Spirograph system, Obamaphones, Black Benghazi Panther Certificates, OMG Hitlery. Creationism was breached, and his Hostness proceded to educate his audience. Paraphrased, ‘if the earth’s orbit was just a couple degrees different, we wouldn’t be here, therefore the earth was created for us evolutionists eat puppies satan satan godidit.’

Well, hell, the first clause is nearly vaguely correct. If the earth’s orbit was a couple degrees different life as we know it wouldn’t exist, yes. I wonder why…

Oh, yes, because EVERY CRITTER ON THIS STUPID ROCK, THROUGH NATURAL SELECTION, EVOLVED TO SURVIVE ON THIS EARTH IN THIS ORBIT WITH THESE ENVIRONMENTAL CONDITIONS. Creatures, including us, with adaptations that were best suited to allow survival tended to survive, hence, my ugly ass.

To steal a line, “Life Finds A Way.”*

If the earth changed orbit, and we couldn’t adapt (evolve), we would go away and confuse the hell out of some future Slappyborgian archeologist touring the remnants of the Solar system. If the earth had started in that slightly different orbit, but had the chemistry and survived the universal crapshoot for life to start, and that life then adapted to survive and thrive in those environmental conditions, the Quatloonian race of Clobetazole 7 might now be ruling this quadrant and beating the snot out of those damnable Slappyborgs. Fuckers – I hate ‘em! Ummm.

Joey, the universe is a neat and endlessly creative place without the need for a Hirsute Heavenly He-Man.**

As the Gyroscope Of Loonacide continued turning on the radio, they hit the Tsarnaev verdict again. This is where the stumpfuckers reminded us again that a.) they are not stable; b.) they are not xtians, if anything, they are Paulites and love the Deuteronomical laws, they have never read the Red Words and if they had existed coexistant to Rabbi Yeshua, they would have volunteered the nails and the hammer for the goddamn soshamalistic hippie; and c.) there’s a bunch of them, and the cravenly powers that be court their votes.

“Strap him to a pressure kettle bomb!” “Torture him first!” “They should do it on Pay Per View, like wrasslin’!” “The Bibbly says an eye for an eye!”***

I know that Joe and his esteemed audience are missing the gene for IQ, and molars, thumbs, not eating roadkill; so Imma speak slowly.

Under extremely stringent circumstances I can live with the death penalty. Stringent circumstance number one? MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT GUY.***** I’m good with the death penalty with many cases of rape, absolutely for pedophilia, if you hurt a kid, or terroristic acts. (I know, I know, I just described frat bastards, priests, priests and Republican legislators, and Dick Cheney.) The death penalty is not a deterrent. The death penalty should not be revenge. The death penalty is the result of those cases where someone has done something completely. fucking. wrong., and must go away. 

For as much as I’ve followed the Tsarnaev trial, it appears to me that the kid truly cashed his check and it’s about time to leave the building. Okay. (And so why can’t we get Cheney?!?) I have not followed that closely, and while I would like to know from anyone who has been paying attention if that is the case, for the sake of continuing this puddle of word, let’s assume he done genuinely earned himself a ticket to hell. Fine.

But torture? Effin’ Pay Per View? Wow, yer a dick. Seriously. “Well, paleo, eye for an eye, we have to do to him what he done to us ooops, pissed myself.” No. Thank you for playing, you’re dumb.

Do you even know why we supposedly do not allow cruel and unusual punishment? Or, if you are reading, torture, Mr. Cheney?

BECAUSE WE SHOULD BE BETTER THAN THE RAPIST, THE PEDOPHILE, THE TERRORIST. Or, we’re supposed to be – to judge by the raw bloodthirst Joey’s callers exhibited, they are not much better than Tsarnaev.****** I, for one, refuse to let the criminal drag me down to his level. Can you jackals even fathom that? Tsarnaev may have to go away, but that is no reason for us to throw away our humanity, our pride, or our justice system.


Mr. Pags, I award you and your sycophants a free public education, as it is apparent none of you have taken advantage of the one offered you in childhood. I also give you sippy cups, as blood can be so hard to get out of your onesies.

AND SO, HAVING VANQUISHED THE MONSTER, paleo MUST awww, hell, what’s this?

A day later, returning home from work, I was listening to The Daily Report, local afternoon liberal talk. Couple of really good fellas, the host Ian and producer Wilhelm, check out their show streaming and as podcasts. (And occasionally you hear me, and occasionally I’m even polite.)

In order to explain the following rant, I have to dig into the weeds of Minnesota politics a touch.

Minnesota, under two whole years of actual leadership courtesy of Governor Mark Dayton******* and a fully Democratic-Farmer-Labor lege , boasted a near $2B surplus, and after 8 years of Guv. Wonderbread and Mayo Timmy Pawlenty, has a lot of stuff to fix, to fund. But (scare chord) last fall, the MN Pubbles took over the MN state House.

They just put out their legislative priorities. Schools? No. Environment? No. Take a guess.  Oh, I can’t hold it in -

TAX BREAKS!!! For a few people. They want to hand out every penny of surplus, plus some borrowed funds, in tax breaks, primarily, I know, shocked, right?, to the wealthy. You got yer school vouchers, no property taxes for corporations, cut the minimum wage for restaurant servers, and, if you’re a $50K household, you get $125.00 EACH YEAR for THE NEXT TWO YEARS! WOOOOait, what about transportation? No? K, gotcha. Every republican fellates derp.

Now, as Ian and William discussed transportation funding, a gentleman, who I suspect believes himself an economic realist and fancies himself a principled libertarian, called about light rail.

Light rail is fairly new to the Twin Cities, is quite popular, and needs expansion. (Particularly from my home suburb to my work exurb. Not gonna happen? Shit.) Caller ‘Chris’ brought up the strawman that light rail will never pay for itself, why do we have it, unspoken racism, unspoken classism, we haz to subsidize it oh noes, why don’t we fix roads********, especially in places far from the urban hellhole that is Minneapolis-St. Paul, like the intersection of Grandpa Braunschweiger Trail and Fire Road 11357 in Itaska Cty.

 paleo blinks, finds scotch

Chris? Ummm, sweetie, WHEN HAVE THE ROADS EVER PAID FOR THEMSELVES? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A TOLL ROAD THAT WAS NOT SUBSIDIZED BY THE STATE? How long, after you finished your interstate highway system, did it take for the riches to roll into your account?

I mean, I have not yet heard that Target put in a Paver selection, even online.

All. Transportation. Is. Subsidized. All transportation is subsidized, it’s a public need, a public good, and it cannot be done without tapping the public commons (ooooo, soshalamalamdingdong). ALL TRANSPORTATION IS SUBSIDIZED. Light Rail is much greener than auto traffic, solves a lot of downtown parking problems. Certainly road (and in MN, especially, bridge, thank you Lil’ Timmy) upkeep is a crucial part of the transportation puzzle, but a well-considered transportation plan requires light rail pieces.

And roads, bridges, and light rail will all be, and will always be, subsidized, and will NEVER turn a profit. They. Are. Simply. Needed. Deal with it, oh libertarian screwhead.  


Caller ‘Chris’, I award you 270,357 feet of MatchBox racetrack, from my parent’s basement. Some of the track may be dinged up, as they also made wonderful impromptu swords. If you can figure out a way to make public, well, anything pay, I’ll award you a subscription to a peer-reviewed transportation journal that you may enlighten us.


*Okay, from Michael Crichton, yeah, I know he was a global warming denialist and in general a twerp, but bitch could write.

**I guess personally I preferred She-Ra, because 11 year old boy and boobs, but actually I was a Warner Bros guy, and Bugs Bunny in drag neither fooled me nor jump started puberty.

***Actually, that’s a Mosiac law thingy, Deuteronomish, like don’t wear both silk and hemp.**** Jesus didn’t say a bloody thing about televising an execution by pipe bomb, he was too busy beating the tar out of peckernecks using religious buildings for commerce.

****Thereby probably preventing some extremely relaxed foreplay. BASTARDS!!!

*****Any review of the news or Governor Rick Perry’s terms in office in Texas show that being that stringent is something right wingers are not especially interested in.

******If they’re serious, that is – most wingers spend a lot of time in their basements watching Fox, trying to find dry underwear.

*******Except for the Viking stadium – why, Gov. Dayton, why?!?!?

********By the way, Chris, the slashed transportation funding? That included roads.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

One Thing We Must Address In Regards To Teh Police Run Amok

Some have observed that the cops in the US have lost their collective shit over the last several...

...presidential administrations.

Far from promoting law and order, many cops have become the shock troops for the multinationals, for the american filth, the rich.

There's a touch of reform that must take place. Start with firing, then jailing, 95% of them and starting over, with appropriate training, and unions beholden to the actual needs of the actual cops, not a union leadership beholden only to their own political ambitions and positions and the rich cocks their lips are grafted to.

All of this is by way of introducing one truly vital reform.

There is a thought, that has become all too common in public discourse, that is so, so annoyingly wrong, has bothered me for quite some time, and must be fixed first. I was reminded of it today in this AD post about some San Francisco cops walking the unemployment line. The money shot?:

Furminger himself also texted a civilian his own address with the title: “White power family.”

Cops have long taken to referring to non-cops as 'civilians', to separate themselves, puff 'em up a little. The usage has become common.

Fuck that noise.

Cops are civil authorities. Part of civil society. They do not enforce, interpret, deal with in any way, 'martial' (military) law. When martial law is declared, it is enforced by military personnel, and civil niceties, like trials and rights, kinda fall by the wayside. Kinda the opposite of how cops are supposed to be. When cops forget that they are not part of civil society, or claim to be outside civil society, it makes it so much easier for them (and for too many cops this was already too goddamn easy) to become the terrorists of Ferguson, of New York City, of Albuquerque, of Maricopa County.

The police must be educated as to who they are, and who they serve. They are civilians, they serve civil law in the general society. If this is not step one, I say then, not expecting disagreement, that it is well within the top two.


Friday, April 3, 2015

Dear Klan Christians - Imma 'Specially Talking To Tom Cotton, Senator (R. - The Shallow End Of The Gene Pool)

So, the new strawman is "why do gays care so much about a pizza joint in Indiana when ahem 

brown people

are allowed to walk without chains on them execute the Fabulous Folk.

Dear Apocalyptic Snotfondlers,

To all those asking why we care about gay rights in America but don't do enough or care about teh LGBT in Muslim countries;

Why do you want to drag us down instead of showing them a way up? You hate the shining city on the hill? You're making the Baby Reagan cry - are all'y'all traitors? (Yes. The answer is yes. Jus' sayin'.)

And 2.) we do care, and we don't/are unable to do enough, to help the gay communities in foreign countries, you are correct on that point, but why should they/would they even listen, much less cooperate, when psychotic xenophobic 'Murkin xtian bloodthirsty monsters keep encouraging bombing of those countries?*

Please to be kindly jamming a pound of powder down your collective piehole and a match up your collective ass the next time you wish to shoot your mouth off.

Hugs, kisses, and 480V of sphincter-stretching fury,


UPDATE: Those pizza inbreds, whose self-righteous fury at teh Gheys gave them the strength to close shop only after 24 hours of stiff resistance to making The New Peach-Fishers Supreme® have pulled in over $500 large from GoFundMe and probably a whole lot of devout people who can't afford it (no snark, I wish religion did not exist, but it does, and there are people, who though I believe they are misguided a bit of a whole much, take comfort in it, but then fall prey to the scum, priests, pastors, who use their fears and uncertainty to a devastating effect and a lifestyle of high class hookers, ground coarse horseradish {What, y'all bunch of Meanderthals? I love it and need it, hell, I'd get an IV if it could flow through the veins appropriately, and it can be hard to find where some dumbass heathen hasn't added sugar or mayo and should therefore be hit with a wrecking ball sharpened to 13,500 pounds} and hot-n-cold running scotch).
This fucking thing was a grift, enabled by Fox and Glennda Beck's Channel 'O Reverse Peristalsis, and the bastards (along with priests, pastors, everyone at Fox, and Becky) need to go to prison and now.

UPDATE ZWEI: Matthew Hagee, miraculous progeny of the man whose genitalia have retreated, visibly, to his chin, John Hagee, was present at the birth of a new strawman, that gay marriage will destroy sillyvisation now, as two men cannot procreate without some mind bogglingly expensive surgery, and two women cannot procreate without casting away their humanity and self-esteem and submitting to Matthew Hagee. Let's unpack this just a bit.

So, if gay marriage is legal, everyone will turn gay. No more bebbies.

Phew. How to answer...


A.) I love everyone who I don't hate, and yet, being straight, I don't especially want to pitch or catch to a man. And so what. As I've pointed out, Imma tragically in love with my wife, and so generally don't want to pitch or catch to anyone who ain'tn't my wife.

Part the second:
We are not going to have kids. Not. Plenty of reasons, but one of the biggest is BY CHOICE WE WON'T HAVE KIDS. St. Hagee, does that invalidate my marriage? Seriously. Is my marriage lesser to yours (and if your wife is not glowingly pregnant right now, you are a worthless failure as a spokesman for xtian marriage)? And if your answer to that question is yes, what is your stomach lining made of that it can contain that much bile and I hope your stay in the resthome isn't too long after Sweetie gets done reasoning, enthusiastically, and incorporating sweeping arm gestures, with you.