Please, Dear FSM, May This Be Read By The Right People - Fornicate Ted Cruz!

Ted Cruz is pathetic. Not trying to set up the snark bankshot, he is An Genuinely Useless Peckerneck.

This strawman has been set up and smashed to compost 100 times - "Why are you so interested in my position on fruits pretending to be people, when ISIS is executing them!"

May I paraphrase how I, as a commie faggot-lover poor-person-feeder, read your statement, and correct me if I'm reading you wrong, (I ain'tn't.)? We can beat on, spit on, criminalize, and drive homosexuals out of our communities, out of our families, as long as we don't go all Hank Aaron with a sword?

Into the breach, one more damn time:
Mr. 'Murkin Exceptionalism, you are saying the bar, that we must cross to prove we are a fine, upstanding people, when it comes to the rights of LGBTQ folk, has been set by ISIS. Gotcha, peachy. Way to strive for the betterment of the human race.

Wasn't it your rose-colored-glasses-throughwich-observed St. Ronaldo Reaganski who called us to be a, ummm, 'Shining City On A Hill'? The man who all men wanted to be, and at least one woman wanted to shoe-fuck?

Dear Foot Fetish Magazine, I never thought this would happen to me 

... 

before he was done he had his brown cordovan so deep betwixt my nethers that my fallopians were a size 10 1/2 and my ovaries were slathered in Kiwi polish 

... 

there's now this horrible servant trying to Occupy my Ronnie's orthopedic inserts *hic* 

... 

Nancy's an unappreciative twat, leave him alone you bitch!! *whips empty gin bottle into the mirror*

And now our goal has simply become leapfrogging the bloodthirsty Middle Eastern version of Southern Baptists that former puppet President Footiepajamas ranks as his greatest diplomatic accomplishment?

Jumping the second breach one more damn time:
I'm intelligent. Well, I can find my worksite every morning, and annoy my wife on average less than once per week. I can say a bunch of big wordish thingies, and spell a lot of them too. What I'm getting at, is that I can hold two thoughts at once. I can insist that you shut your piehole about buttsex and 13.6kV vibrators, and at the same time, think ISIS is a bunch of criminal yahoos, who desperately need a sabot between the eyes, and yet are not setting up bases in Guadalajara.

I realize the 90% of your grey matter not actively involved in keeping you upright and reminding you to blink has atrophied to pudding and bile. But you are a senator. Clearly, a senator with an overwhelming habit of marking Teabagger's teabags with as much saliva as your 226+ daily urges allow you to generate, but nevertheless, a member of a very small club.

Would you act like it, you rodent-rapist?

Love, paleo

Dear Klan Christians - Imma 'Specially Talking To Tom Cotton, Senator (R. - The Shallow End Of The Gene Pool)

So, the new strawman is "why do gays care so much about a pizza joint in Indiana when ahem 

brown people

are allowed to walk without chains on them execute the Fabulous Folk.

Dear Apocalyptic Snotfondlers,

To all those asking why we care about gay rights in America but don't do enough or care about teh LGBT in Muslim countries;

Why do you want to drag us down instead of showing them a way up? You hate the shining city on the hill? You're making the Baby Reagan cry - are all'y'all traitors? (Yes. The answer is yes. Jus' sayin'.)

And 2.) we do care, and we don't/are unable to do enough, to help the gay communities in foreign countries, you are correct on that point, but why should they/would they even listen, much less cooperate, when psychotic xenophobic 'Murkin xtian bloodthirsty monsters keep encouraging bombing of those countries?*

Please to be kindly jamming a pound of powder down your collective piehole and a match up your collective ass the next time you wish to shoot your mouth off.

Hugs, kisses, and 480V of sphincter-stretching fury,

paleo


UPDATE: Those pizza inbreds, whose self-righteous fury at teh Gheys gave them the strength to close shop only after 24 hours of stiff resistance to making The New Peach-Fishers Supreme® have pulled in over $500 large from GoFundMe and probably a whole lot of devout people who can't afford it (no snark, I wish religion did not exist, but it does, and there are people, who though I believe they are misguided a bit of a whole much, take comfort in it, but then fall prey to the scum, priests, pastors, who use their fears and uncertainty to a devastating effect and a lifestyle of high class hookers, ground coarse horseradish {What, y'all bunch of Meanderthals? I love it and need it, hell, I'd get an IV if it could flow through the veins appropriately, and it can be hard to find where some dumbass heathen hasn't added sugar or mayo and should therefore be hit with a wrecking ball sharpened to 13,500 pounds} and hot-n-cold running scotch).
This fucking thing was a grift, enabled by Fox and Glennda Beck's Channel 'O Reverse Peristalsis, and the bastards (along with priests, pastors, everyone at Fox, and Becky) need to go to prison and now.

UPDATE ZWEI: Matthew Hagee, miraculous progeny of the man whose genitalia have retreated, visibly, to his chin, John Hagee, was present at the birth of a new strawman, that gay marriage will destroy sillyvisation now, as two men cannot procreate without some mind bogglingly expensive surgery, and two women cannot procreate without casting away their humanity and self-esteem and submitting to Matthew Hagee. Let's unpack this just a bit.

So, if gay marriage is legal, everyone will turn gay. No more bebbies.

Phew. How to answer...

No.

A.) I love everyone who I don't hate, and yet, being straight, I don't especially want to pitch or catch to a man. And so what. As I've pointed out, Imma tragically in love with my wife, and so generally don't want to pitch or catch to anyone who ain'tn't my wife.

Part the second:
We are not going to have kids. Not. Plenty of reasons, but one of the biggest is BY CHOICE WE WON'T HAVE KIDS. St. Hagee, does that invalidate my marriage? Seriously. Is my marriage lesser to yours (and if your wife is not glowingly pregnant right now, you are a worthless failure as a spokesman for xtian marriage)? And if your answer to that question is yes, what is your stomach lining made of that it can contain that much bile and I hope your stay in the resthome isn't too long after Sweetie gets done reasoning, enthusiastically, and incorporating sweeping arm gestures, with you.

Dickweed. 

Post Wherein paleo Attempts To Get Back On Track

So, posting has been light. I can make a lot of excuses, will make a few excuses, but primarily after 10 days of no posting during a crucial part of my project, and additional stress accumulating, I lost momentum. If'n anyone has been enjoying my little doggerel, it is no less than I enjoy writing my little bits of nonsense.

This should have been a fishing weekend, much like last year at about this time, but my buddy's cabin is about 30 miles north of Detroit Lakes, MN. (For teh geographically challenged, that is basically really fucking north.) Unfortunately, part of this opening weekend trip has been, historically, putting a dock in the water, putting a pontoon boat in the water, putting bait into the water. As of Wednesday night, there was no water, and no great impetus to drive 4 hours to ice-fish.

As such, Sweetie and I have been having a low-key weekend, being nice to each other, nice dinners, doing things together, gathering scientific data on the efficacy of different lubri - nice dinners. Trip to Costco (damn them, and I like them too, but holy hannah them sunzobeetches should be giving me stock by now.) At her request I have introduced her to

with the first Serenity 2-parter and The Train Job. She is starting to dig it, and I am trying to clue her in as much as possible without spoilers.

In the news, Minnesota is this close to having same-sex marriage, by legislative action, even. This pleases me a great deal.

There are a couple marriages I want to see - plus, this may be my last chance to go to a strip club with Sweetie's approval.

Of course, the 'Queens firing Chris Kluwe at the same time, on a team in a town with one of the NFL's largest gay populations, is somewhat discouraging. There were some very legitimate NFL reasons to let him go, and remember, there is only one thing in the NFL that matters - MONEY, but the whole thing is a bit smelly, especially on a Viking team that still employs Chris Cook and continued to employ the star players associated with the Love Boat Incident. In an NFL that collectively fellated Ray Lewis at the last Super Bowl. Bullshit.


I stand a very good chance of having, for the first time in my adult life, a banker's hours job. First time ever, 8 hrs, Mon-Fri. Yes, it is part of the on-going saga wherein I have cursed American business to hell and back, and explaining that getting ahead requires a sort of carefully applied derangement, hating your bosses, your co-workers, and your customers in precise amounts. The deed ain't done, and if it be not so, you'll hear in in the news:

Headless Blogger Found - Laptop Also Down
TL;DR Final Screed Appears To Be Code Based On Fuck
Fox Nation Reports Furry Slashfic

LOOK AT TEH KITTEN, DAMMIT!!!

Finally, this makes me happy right now, with some caveats...

Caveats:

•  I think Court And Spark is an amazing album, but I am not specifically a huge Joni fan
• Although the lyrics work beautifully in this song as an additional instrument, a reading of the lyrics straight shows them sans the music to be self indulgent crap - gosh, it's so hard to be David Geffen, and to have to go to Paris every so often to be free of my responsibilities
• The little flute breaks, I remember, as a kid in my dad's land whale with the AC Delco on, and it's the shit
• I've been to France and liked a great deal of it, over, admittedly, only a few days, people, bread, college-student-budget wine, so please do not take me for a standard issue American Francophobe, but Paris is bloody horrible, FSM it's horrible, evil, and the Danes/Swedes/Norsemen burning it to the ground every 20 years or so should have been a lesson followed and encouragement taken

Some topics and self-annoyance having been accumulated, watch this space...

LeRoy Butler Is Handling This Much Better Than I Would

A common public belief is that the Green Bay Packers are untouchable in Wisconsin. It is pretty much Truth In Television. Weddings, school events, parties are scheduled around or on game days. Priests wrap up the 10AM mass with a prayer for the offensive line and no later than 11:00AM.
There was a marriage in my extended family of a cousin who, at that point, had spent quite a bit of time in California, and was marrying a CA guy. They scheduled the wedding and reception on the weekend of deer opener and on a weekend when the Packers played the Chicago Frogmolesters - at most weddings in Wisconsin, there is a dollar dance for the bride, the chicken dance, smack your glasses with plastic silverware to see the bride and groom kiss. This one, there was a distinct smell of doe estrus and a plethora of jerseys and arguments over whether Don Majkowski was really merely the best quarterback in the NFL or if Lindy Infante should be beaten with a tire iron.

LeRoy Butler was a several time All Pro and member of the Packer Hall of Fame, leader of the secondary, started the Lambeau Leap. He would be expected to be an Untouchable. He was to give a talk against bullying at a church in Wisconsin this summer. However, he offended Gawd, who promptly afflicted his family with plague struck him with lightning sent zombie nuns with torches and Rulers O' Righteousness made teh pastor cancel on him, kids don't need no encouragement against bullying from no hell-going-to gay enabler. 

"Congrats to Jason Collins"

Oh, LeRoy, I haz such a disappointment, that is virtually an instruction manual for recruitment of vulnerable young men into a fabulous lifestyle of being perhaps treated as human instead of, oh, I dunno, being bullied? 

Peeples iz dumbass.

So Much Stupid In One Bigoted Pile

Oh Joy.

Teh Minnesotans Living In Fear Of Butthole Stretching Exercises, Kind Of Like Kegels For Afeart Good Moral People Who May End Up SuperGluing Teh Sphincter And Getting Colostomy Bags Oh God The Gheys Don't Bugger That Do They ENID!!! (TMLIFOBSEKOLKFAGMPFUCKIT) had a little clambake at the Minnesota Capitol.

Letting their legislators, all the Independent Republican minority of them (sometimes I like MN), know that they stood with them in the fight against equal rights.

Brian Brown, of the National Organization for Marriage, and creators of The Gathering Storm video (I'll link to the rotten sonuvabitch but I won't embed it, life is short enough) led the brain damaged in a desire for the troof, essentially that equal rights suck, that human dignity sucks, that some people are just, sort of, um, lesser?
Oh yeah, and a contribution would be useful, 'cuz fags.

Maybe a thousand backward peckernecks. Look at the signs, embiggenize the photo, if your lunch is digested.

"Don't Erase Moms and Dads"

Because being a parent is only about a biological act. If'n ya got that, go ahead and warp the shit out of your little cabbages.

"Don't Lie To Children"

Those young'uns should be TOLD, goddamit, that THEY ALONE are Gawd's little snowflakes. Anybody in the slightest different, hell, anybody who is not them, needs to be miserable and preferably dead.

There is a very, very special place in my heart for these jackholes. A little, stabby, dark place. Go to hell, kiddies.

The Simplest Argument

Let's face it, I bleed Green and Gold, but I have a Viking that I can't help but cheer for.

Chris Kluwe, genuine stand-up dude and truly human being. Yer doing good, man.

The Minnesota Queer Haters Have Gone Full Timecube

Minnesotans-United-to-Persecute-Immoral-Creatures-Who-Have-Better-Taste-In-Clothing, Music, Food, And-Whatever-Else-Those-Five-TV-Guys-Are-Teaching-Our-Children-Along-With-Probably-Butt-Chugging have an associate called The Cassandra Report, sending me long emails, devoid of HTML, basically just word docs, encouraging us to pray that all GLBT either find Jesus, Marcus Bachmann, or burn in hell.

Ahhh, xtian charity.

This little smidget was the latest release:

The consequences of marriage are reflected in the fact that children in average, intact, married families are more likely to thrive(2) than children in average single and step-parent families, or families headed by cohabiting couples. In fact communities where “good-enough” marriages are common have better outcomes for children, women, and men than do communities marked by high rates of divorce(3), unmarried childbearing, cohabitation(4), and high-conflict or violent marriages. Moreover, these benefits derived from a strong marriage culture extend across lines of race, ethnicity, and class. Marriage,  it seems, has important positive biosocial consequences for both adults and children(5).

What. The. Blithering. Hell. Are. You. Arguing?

Let us explore just one glaring idiocy, correlation and causality. Perhaps it may be easier to be married, have teh 'traditional' life, IF YOU"RE NOT SO DAMNABLY STRESSED TRYING TO SURVIVE EACH DAY. Education! Jobs! Nutrition! A safe bed at night!

Whoops, sorry, the paleosocialist leapt out there for a moment, let me cure him.

"I got mine fuck you. I got mine fuck you. I got mine fuck you. I got mine fuck you. I got mine fuck you. I got mine fuck you. I got mine fuck you. I got mine fuck you. I got mine fuck you."

Better now.

John Helmberger from Minnesotans United In Peeing Themselves followed shortly with a letter about the dreadful consequences of same-sex marriage in Canada.
Shorter:

Gay Canadians are getting married and being treated with basic human respect, and an archbishop had his fee-fees hurt.

If'n you want, take a look at the whole bloody stupid Cassandra thingy after the jump. Ya gots yer $16 words (inflation), quotes from unknown philosophers and such, and I'll be damned if I can find a single argument against gay marriage (not that I've been able to yet.) This is a giant pile of cherry-picked statistics, mixed correlation and causality, and the writer either needs to get on drugs, change drugs, or get off drugs. Pick one, Slappy, lemme know how it goes, as I'm sure you will.

Blinders On High!

I refuse to make a link to these screwballs. From Minnesotans United Against Any-Sexual-Activity-Not-Endorsed-By-Barbara-Bush*:

Marriage Minute: The Slippery Slope When Marriage Is Redefined
Same-sex marriage activists would like everyone to believe marriage can be redefined with no impact on society. This is not true. Traditional marriage would not exist alongside same-sex “marriage.” The new genderless “marriage” would replace our current definition. Redefining marriage puts us on a slippery slope of change, much of it fueled by the demands of same-sex marriage activists.

Redefining marriage. By FSM, that makes so much sense! I've been on the wrong side all along!

• Biblically - if a man dies, his brother must marry his widow! If Sarai can't have children, rape Hagar! And per St. Paul, you chicks, shut it!
• Legislatively - that whole Loving vs Virginia? Poor miscegenating peckernecks, messing with teh natural order of things - White Protestant land-owners, their carefully cultivated and debutted white women, tobacco farmers, random pieces of green paper, everyone else.
• Culturally - Purity Balls and Rings! (Fair warning, following this link may cause brain damage that bleach and prefrontal lobotomies, or this bottle in front of me, can't reach. It's been around for a bit, but still creeps me out mightily, just sick!)

Look, you dumb bastards, that is a complete bullshit statement, 'definition of marriage'. Marriage today is wildly different from just 50 years ago, and unrecognizable from 100 years ago. You horrible, rotten jackasses - you know damn well that this is not about the 'definition of marriage', it is about your fear that if it becomes legal, YOU will immediately be overcome with the desire to present ass. For that matter, the forced birth people don't give a shit about the babbies - note their constant shrieking pleas to give mothers pre-natal care, and then properly fund education? Neither did I. It is about their fears, and their need to follow, and their desire to control people. Hell, the x-tians don't even really give a damn about Islam, they admire the moslem strawman they've built. Veils, stonings - Jerry Falwell is masturbating in hell. But it's those funny names, too many syllables, not something strong, like Dick, or Strom.

Damn, these pricks make me want to puke! I gotta get off that mailing list before I have an aneurysm. Any Minnesotans reading this please contribute and then Vote No, and sip on the salty tears of teh morons. Non-Minnesotans? Please contribute and rail on any MN family you have.

I am sick to my soul... {/rant}

*They don't know how much wiggle room that actually gives them - Babsie was teh O.D., the Original Dominatrix**.

**Brain Bleach is on me! Please redeem your coupons at Dr. Paleo's Pre-Frontal Lobotomies For Less! Now with two locations! Or at least, paleo seeing double! S'okay, ya got two lobes!