Sunday, March 9, 2014

The Minnesota Family Council, Proudly Protecting Sphincters Since the Black Guy Got In The White House, Cries HAVOC! And Let Mah Special Snowflake Killim A Queer

My favorite group of Krusaders is Krying and Kicking their feets because the State of Minnesota has dared to be attentive to a need of its citizens. In an attempt to stop the bullying that led to the suicide deaths of several kids in the last couple of years (warning – reading this article will make me want to choke the living shit out of every asshole in the MFC) (you may remember Michele Bachmann saying nothing at all about a cluster of deaths in the largest school district in her congressional district, yay Batshit Shely!), and against ferocious resistance from Minnesota Christians, delaying the bill entirely too long, the Minnesota state Senate is preparing to take up an anti-bullying bill.

I am on the Cowards Against Colon Caressing mailing list - sometimes my blood pressure gets low, but like an answer to a prayer, I can always count on them to send out something so pathetically paranoid and stupid as jack that shit right back into the stratosphere. Let’s unpack this a touch, I don’t have a real talent for fisking* but lemme try.


The Bullying Bill (H.F. 826) will be heard in the Senate Finance Committee Thursday morning!
Whew. Good news, I’m pleased, I wasn’t going to go full prepper due to the alert, but this bill has got to be finally more or less a slam dun-

The time to act is NOW to stop this bill that will harm our children, keep parents in the dark, and undermine our schools' ability to do what is best for our kids! 
 -the fuck? So this is gonna be one of the 300/190 mornings?

So why is a bill that claims to make schools safe from bullying such a bad bill, and why should I care? 

Oh yes. Enlighten me and stuff. Allow me to fetch my pearls and vapor thingie. P’raps a couch. 4 grams of happy shrooms. To the Gaggle. And such.

1. The bill does NOT protect ALL students from bullying.

Any serious effort to protect children from bullying must be an effort to protect ALL children. Singling out certain "types" of children as "worthy" of protection is NOT the right approach. 

readreadread Damned if they’re not right. This is all disabilities, lgbt, minority, cyberbullying, looks like white quarterbacks driving dad’s old beemer are fair game! (takes off sunglasses - YYYEEEEAAAAAHHHH!)

2. The bill leaves parents in the dark.

A genuine effort to protect children from bullying should require that parents be notified if their child is bullied or accused of bullying. Parents have a right to know.

“Parents In The Dark”. Izzat what “notifying the parent of the reported target of the prohibited conduct, the parent of the actor engaged in the prohibited conduct…” means? Whoodathunkt, wow.

3. The bill defines "bullying" so broadly that children can be punished for merely "offending" someone by expressing a belief or opinion. 
An appropriate approach to addressing bullying clearly defines the prohibited behavior so kids know what they can be punished for, and ENCOURAGES the respectful sharing of differing ideas, opinions, and beliefs since an atmosphere of understanding will truly prevent bullying. 

Really, are you jesusliars dense or just really bad at creative paraphrasing? I ain’t’nt even gonna snark at this. You want your precious little cabbage to be able to parrot any damn thing he wants, right?, ‘cuz first amendment, but without repercussions, ‘cuz assholes. Let me try a syllogism on you, bubba. Umm,

IF Jesus, THEN you’re getting yer ass whupped at the Pearlys because you are a selfish sociopathic git.

4. The bill defines bullying so broadly that it will require teachers to regulate children's words and conduct 24/7, 365 days a year.

Teachers have limited academic time with our kids. An effective bullying approach does not require teachers to monitor what kids are saying online when they're not at school or a school event, or during the summer. This is an incredible requirement for teachers and a vast overreach of school authority into our homes. 

I repeat, really, are you jesusliars dense or just really bad at creative paraphrasing? Here, they are referring to cyberbullying, done either at school or from home, and if teachers hear of it, they have a responsibility to intervene. (Lord knows you good Christians won’t. “Good job Chip! Judge that fa**ot!” You people really make me ill, monsters, all of you.) Cyberbullying is neither a new phenomenon, nor a quiet little corner of the internet, so your phraseology for #4 is really goddam disingenuous. Seriously, you make me physically ill.

5. The bill is a top-down, unfunded $20M mandate that would be forced on all our schools, regardless of whether or not school districts, teachers, parents and students have already worked together to create a good bullying policy that works for that district. 
A legitimate approach to bullying doesn't bring in schools, teachers, and parents LAST--it includes them at the very beginning and doesn't try to force a one-size-fits all policy on all students and schools. School districts in Owatonna are unique from districts in Minneapolis that are unique from districts in New Ulm. The right approach to bullying lets schools, teachers and parents lead on this issue without strapping them with an at least $20M unfunded annual mandate.

Yep, heavens, these school districts are so unique, and the MFC is truly… Screw jokes. What are they actually saying?

  • Owatonna. Whitechristianrural.
  • Minneapolis. Welfaremoochingduskyhuedgangbangers
  • New Ulm. Whitechristianrural.
Let’s try some others!
  • Park Rapids. Whitechristianrural.
  • Two Harbors. Whitechristianrural.
  • Rochester. WhitechristianexceptforsomedoctorswithdotsontheirheadsdidyouhearwhatIsaidhoneydotsheeheehee.
Yep. Salt of the earth. Morons.
Just kindly go off somewhere and beat yourself about the head and neck for while, the adults are trying to fix things here, you dickweeds. By the way, unfunded mandate? Well then, by FSM, the tax breaks your little cults get are coming out of my pocket and I’d like it back now. There is a food bank, couple shelters, civil rights orgs, I’d like to give it to, they are all amazingly better organizations, and people, than you.

*This poor attempt at fisking inspired by Cerb at S,N! Well, more accurately, the style is blatantly appropriated. Full credit due and stuff.


  1. Bullying Bill. What George Will and/or William Safire always wanted to be known as.

    1. Dom/sub relationships where they haven't sorted the pecker order never work out.

  2. That Rolling Stone article is brutal. Those assholes have blood on their hands... kids' blood on their hands.

  3. But THEY are victims!!! Stopping them from telling fags they should just die is BULLYING!

    1. Oh my , teh poor dears. P'raps I should scale back the orders of lions and coliseums, they seem to be suffering so.

    2. Oh my , teh poor dears. P'raps I should scale back the orders of lions and coliseums, they seem to be suffering so.

  4. When you're convinced you're living through the episode of your apocalyptic mythology where your religion becomes outlawed, everything looks like a Gulag.

    1. I'd love to have some of what they're drinking/inhaling.