Sunday, December 21, 2014

The NRA - Depraved Or Criminal Weenies. I Report, You Get Squicked

Setting, NRA Headquarters, Fairfax Virginia, a very well appointed office. Framed giclée prints of firearms line the wall. Oak desk, oddly somewhat taller than most.
Cast, Wayne LaPierre, now entering the office. Well pinned suit, hair slicked back, almost shellaced. He is followed by a young woman in a standard business pantsuit, in an Advantage™ camouflage pattern, carrying a number of documents and newspapers that she then places on the desk. WLP picks up the New York End Tmes.
Wayne LaPierre: absent-mindedly "Thank you, Miss HotLoad."
Miss HotLoad: quietly, exasperated "For the goddammed last time, my name is Conner." normal tone "Of course sir."
WLP: "Anything important in the world this morning, babe?"
Miss Conner: again, quietly, exasperated "I should have listened to my mother." a normal, but somewhat nervous tone, as if she knows exactly what will happen next "Well, there's been a school shooting, about 130 kids dead."

Miss Conner has worked with Mr. Lapierre long enough to catch the momentary break in his facade, the hint of a grin, and turns away as Mr. Lapierre ducks below the desk. She hears a low moan, and 7 seconds later Mr. Lapierre re-appears.

WLP: almost giggling "Ok, Miss HotLoad. I'll need the PR people. Standard drill, no official response from us for a few days, anyone who says anything is politicizing a tragedy, the kids should have had guns, and so on."
MC: now genuinely nervous, and a hint of disgust "Mr. LaPierre, it wasn't in the US, Peshawar Pakistan."
WLP: the facade has dropped in its entirety, ear to ear grin "So not christian, or white?"

Mr. LaPierre drops below the desk, moaning, the sound of a head bouncing off the bottom of a desk drawer. Miss Conner turns her back on the desk, throws up a little in her mouth, tries to distract herself - who do the Packers play, who the hell makes camouflage pantsuits, and who chooses them for a uniform, why didn't I listen to my mother. Mr. Lapierre pulls himself up above the desk in 33 seconds.

WLP: casual "Hrmmff. Miss HotLoad, cancel the drill. That will be all. And, you know, thanks."

What? I suspect I'm right, or at least close.


  1. Monday, December 22, 2014
    Open Carry But Don't Be Scary

    I just keep coming back to the fact that gun nuts who support open carry laws are fine with certain kinds of people being gunned down by cops for carrying guns or even toy guns.

    That they're quite sure that they'd avoid summary execution for toting their external death penises, while simultaneously being fine with some other people receiving that treatment, demonstrates how deeply confident they are in how things are, and we also know it's how they think things should be

    - Atrios

  2. I think you give them too much credit. Wayne's penis is short and like that one dude in the Stephen King story, is pretty much always clamped off by a clothespin, complicated by his mommy issues.

    In fact, I think you may have missed his psychosexual twistings regarding Miss Conner. Either she should be wearing Mother clothes, or manly clothes including some packing.

    I like this much, but I think it falls a couple of kinks short.

    Not that I care much about the kinks. At least, not the ones that don't involve the bang-bangs and the little metal penises they like to dream penetrating other human beings....