Monday, October 13, 2014

In Which paleo Speaks To Republicans - An Open Letter

I am puzzled by the ways of the internet. Not the usual nonsense though, Rule 34, Etsy, furries.

No, I want to know how I end up on Republican fundraising lists, such as this from Cory Gardner, Republican from Colorado and candidate for US Senate.

Chris Hansen
To: Me
Oct 8 at 4:56 PM

Mark Udall seems to be taking a very tough line on the threat ... 
... We deserve a leader who will do his job. We need Cory Gardner. 
Take Care,
Chris Hansen
Campaign manager, Cory Gardner for Senate 
As I am polite, though I have neither thought nor care for Mr. Udall, I felt the need to respond to such an earnest missive. 
Dear Mr. Hansen, 
It pains me to break the news to you, but you are working for an evil, evil person. If you work for him willingly, I must ask you to turn inward, try to see the point in your life where you went so terribly wrong, a turn you missed, an opportunity shunned. I'm am sorry, but remember - it is never too late. Watch some Mr. Rogers re-runs. Take a walk in a nice public park. Work a soup kitchen. 
Or, it's Colorado. 
A lot. 
Go full Maureen Dowd. 
Smoke until you can levitate the earth from under your feet, or until you understand which direction daylight savings goes. 
What I am saying, I guess, is tap into your inner human being.

Frankly, Mr. Cory Gardner is a Rep****can. In this period of our nation's history, where we suffer serious problems, the last thing we need is a conservative platform. I accept theocracy only if I am designated the Supreme Being, Commandment 1 - blessed be the distillers. I accept the savage foreign policy of bombing the hell out of anyone who looks at us crosswise only if it is applied to Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Texas, and Chicago Bears fans. I accept racism only towards NASCAR fans. I thank birth control for allowing me to keep my full paycheck. And to be briefly non-snarkish, for-profit education and healthcare is treason. The Koch/Walton spawn are traitors. The Tea Partiers are desperately, willfully, woefully uneducated.

I'm afraid I cannot help Mr. Gardner, or his campaign, but I feel, deep within me, hope for you. Honestly, I've never felt this way about a man before. Please Chris, (May I call you Chris?), don't let me down.

Love, paleotectonics

Is Mr. Hansen going home with me, or do I owe him an apology? 


  1. Replies
    1. Thought about that. Luckily, I'm reasonably certain I am over 418 years old. Sometimes less if I've been drinking.

  2. Replies
    1. Republicans can't pronounce 'apologies', or many other 4 syllable words.

    2. when their version of an apology is "I am sorry you were offended", they can't really DEFINE it, either...