Friday, December 25, 2015

Christmas Thoughts Both Esoteric And Edible

Merry Christmas! So much, thanks for teh reading of my nonsense!

There is a political tie in in this post, 'tis the election season, but I have two larger points to make. So bear with the introduction...

From the inmitable (no thinking man can read that much NRO without their double-helii straightening out and making a break for it) Roy Edroso, Mona Charon, alleged pundit and Trump groupie, slips the surly bonds of reality and spells things:
I had pictured my Christian friends and neighbors at home, gathered around the table Norman Rockwell–style, eating goose or ham or whatever gentiles eat bathed in the twinkling lights of decorated trees. In fact, I liked to think of them that way, and finding crowds treating Christmas Eve as just another night was almost a sacrilege.
Ooof.

********************

I have an enormous issue with conservative trying to appropriate Norman Rockwell. Rockwell, especially on his Saturday Evening Post covers and Boy Scouts/Boy's Life works, defined a great deal of mid 20th century Americana. An idealistic portrait accepted, and, importantly, acceptable, to a nation that had not yet even begun to realize that the American dream was not allowed for too many.
Even then, he hit deeper themes. In his Four Freedoms series, taken from the FDR 'Four Freedoms' speech, he tried to envision FDR's words:
The first is freedom of speech and expression—everywhere in the world.
The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way—everywhere in the world.
The third is freedom from want—which, translated into world terms, means economic understandings which will secure to every nation a healthy peacetime life for its inhabitants—everywhere in the world.
The fourth is freedom from fear—which, translated into world terms, means a world-wide reduction of armaments to such a point and in such a thorough fashion that no nation will be in a position to commit an act of physical aggression against any neighbor—anywhere in the world.
There is not a single one of these clauses applauded, or even spoken of, by any modern American conservative.

He later on made more explicitly humanistic, frequently civil right-based, artwork, including one of the most amazing and powerful, god, so very powerful, paintings of that era,  'The Problem We All Live With'













I'm not particularly into art, and so cannot comment on his art in any sort of analytical manner, or on artistic merit, I mean, they are well done in my opinion, but, I am convinced he was a very, very, good man. Any right-wing lunatic who tries to claim him as one of their's is invited to swim in a bucket of hemorrhoids.

*******************

Now, gustatory goodness. Note, I did not gustatory gooseness.

We'll use the modern UK as an example. (Goose is still somewhat more prevalent in continental Europe.) Do you know why Britons of Dickens' time ate goose? Because they did not have turkey. With the availability of turkey in the UK now, why do some still eat goose? My best goose, errr, guess, is sheer bloody-mindedness.

I have hunted and eaten gooses. Other than stewing or wrapping in bacon and bread dough, thereby successfully taking the goositude out of the damnable birds, this is what those, who willingly seek out the murderous avians, do with the winged viciousness.
The most prevalent stuffing are apples, sweet chestnuts, prunes and onions. Typical seasonings include salt and pepper,mugwort, or marjoram. Also used are red cabbage, Klöße, and gravy, which are used to garnish the goose. Another version of roast goose is the Alsatian-style with Bratwurst-stuffing and sauerkraut as garnish. (h/t)
(Admittedly, the brat-and-kraut stuffed feathered chopsaw recipe sounds awesome.)

The issue with roasting a goose is that the temperature and time, not to mention basting, need very tight observation and concern. There is a 13 second window for cooking a goose between food-poisoning and poultry leather, where the beaked menace is merely inedible.

Now, why do we not eat goose? We have turkey. Full stop. A good turkey done right is a thing of beauty. Admittedly, turkey doesn't keep at all unless you casserole what's left of the son-of-a-bitch, but on Roasting Day it is absolutely tummy magic.

*********************

There are those of us who wish to be especially nice to others in this season. Its the right thing to do year round, but the seasonal focus has it's own attraction.  I want to, we should all want to, celebrate humanity at the winter solstice, when days are short, and, unless you are in Minnesota, cold.

Happy Solstice, all y'all!!



Friday, December 11, 2015

A Conversation With Justice Antonin Scalia

Tony Teh Squirrel* went and said things. Naturally, this aggression cannot stand, so I grabbed my trusty phonish thingy.

"Mr. Scalia, sir-

Umm, I'll need you to put down the maga- no, I'm not subscribed to Eugenics Monthly, um, no, I don't want the postcard, but -

No, no, your Supremitude, I have a statemen...

Yes, go ahead and try to convert Judge Kagan, I'm certain she'll appreciate your efforts, but if I can just say...

*wearily shaking head* I'm sure Virginia Thomas is some brown sugar, yes sir, but - GODDAMMIT, ABIGAIL FISHER WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO GET IN! She wants affirmative action only for herself, all she had to do was hit the top 10% mark but she failed civics and basket weaving and she's A idiot! Yes, sure, wevs, I'm sorry about the goddammit word, your Nibs, but seriously, do you have a servant to remind you to blink and swallow, I mean for reals, how did you make it to 127 years old!?! JESUS CHRIST! WHADDYA MEAN CONTEMPT!?! KISS YOUR OWN ASS!!! GAHHH!!!
mrrrrmphlethuddragdragdrag



*Should drive Zombie into a frothing, room temperature rage.

Monday, November 2, 2015

I Need Stakes And Torches... And Potatoes And Mushrooms

So, so many reader have begged me to post actual photos of my own bad self...




Time to make the donuts.


DEAD BY DAWN! DEAD BY DAWN!!!

I askeded teh Sweetie for sexytime. She didn't react well.


After having given many kids diabetes. There may, may, be vodka in there. I don't remember.

I got a (roughly) 14 year old girl to sprint down my driveway.
FLAWLESS VICTORY.




Wednesday, October 21, 2015

There Is Something Wrong On Teh Internet

I, a mere paleo, have busted the mighty Wonkerados on an inaccuracy! This aggression will not stand, man!

In a post about some talibangelical football coach in Washington State, they posted the famed, and I would call faked, photograph of Jesus in his sportsball days.






















"'Faked', you say, paleo? Balderdash!"

Dash your own balls, please. I have the original photo.


QEmofookinD, bitches.



Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Crimson Peak Is The Dante's Peak Of Axe-Crazy Incest Movies

You may be wondering what this post title means, and that's a very good question.



Saturday night, Sweetie and I and another couple, a ginger engineer and Scooter, went a-movieing. It was not my turn to choose, which is completely fucking bogus - who doesn't like lasers, starships that ignore little things like conservation of momentum, and boobs that wildly ignore the square-cube law?

Ummm. Where was I?

OK, yes, errr, so we decided on Crimson Peak, a Guillermo del Toro 'joint', as I believe the kids say. Imma try to avoid spoilers, should you choose to see it, but I have some thoughts.

First of all, del Toro cannot help but make almost impossibly beautifully shot films. CP, as the kids would say, does not belie this trend - it's stinking gorgeous. And he is great at getting the visceral reaction shot, where the audience, ie. me, finds hisownbadself clinging to the acoustical proofing on the ceiling, not sure why my seat is an uncomfortably long way down. The story is mostly there.

On the whole it's a good movie. But.

Scenes can drag. One entire subplot is a Chekhov's Misdirection, a 4 to 5 scene set-up to no payoff whatsoever. In general, I could see chopping that entire sub and tightening up some other scenes, at nearly two hours it can get wearying.

The male lead, Loki, does a fine job, despite the Trent Reznor cosplay - really, if you want to ruin your morning, wear long blousy clothing around spinny thingies.



I'm unfamiliar with Mia Wasikowski ('Edith Cushing'), but have no complaints. She was not a shrinking, nor shrieking violet.

Now, the Lady Sharpe, Loki's sister. I vaguely recognize the actress. This woman chews the scenery as if it was built by Wrigley's. That, with the Amy Lee cosplay, (a choice I applaud - if'n you gotta go full goth, goth the best)



make her a strong presence...
That they underutilized the shit out off.

Which brings us to the third act, where the movie derails. Another rather squicky subplot pops into being, leaDING TO?!

Nothing. Squat. Toecheese. And now I'm squicked. Why you do this to me jackass? Now I's cranky.

The ending is serviceable, you can tell what movie del Toro had on his hotel Spectravision when he conceived it, but again, just 5 minutes ago I was going 'bleah', you could have brought in lasers, starships that ignore little things like conservation of momentum, and boobs that wildly ignore the square-cube law, and I'd have still 'bleah'ed'.

Teh verdict?

See it at a matinee, or if your TV is sufficiently sufficient, Redbox. Qualified half-thumb up.


Sunday, October 18, 2015

Live Blogging Packers-Chargers

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Morphodites and Platypi, we now have the Green Bay Packers hosting the San Diego 4H and Tanning Club.

Green Bay is favored, but always remember Uncle paleo's number one rule of watching the 2010s era Green Bay Packers - any team playing a Dom Capers coached defense is never out of the game. Bear in mind the Chargers have Antonio Gates back.

Look forward to very much cussy updates!

Kickoff Time, 3:28.
THE NFL, IN ALL THEIR GLORIOUS WISDOM, HAS DICTATED CBS AIR A TALE OF TWO, WELL, THREE, WASHED UP QUARTERBACKS. FUCKING PAYTON, MCCOWN, AND ALKY MANZIEL.
INTERCOURSE THE NFL.
Not a good start, peckernecks.

12:20 in first quarter, according to the box score on-line, because PAYTON MANNING BLOWS GOATS AND PAPA JOHN SCHNATTER.

10:00 in first quarter: Dear CBS, you is severly kuting into my drinky time thing. Love, Johnny Football.

8:38, first quarter. Packers TD. paleo still watching J Manziel wishing he was a real boy. Also INTERCOURSE CBS.

6:00, first quarter. Game finally on telebision, throwback uniforms, and I have no drugs.

4:50, CBS announcer just commended Dom 'I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby' Capers. I still have no drugs.

1:51, A BLUE AND YELLOW STREAK DOWN TEH FIELD!!
Well, K, it don't sound right, but into the stands, James!
The following kickoff: Speaking tactically, Mr. Charger sir, I have never understood why anyone would take it out of 8 yards deep in the endzone unless it's the 4th and you're down, say 10 points. Otherwise, you end up on the, oh, your own 15. Idjit.

10:46, 2cd. Ballsy call on 4th and 3, I actually applaud it and am very surprised Gates didn't come up with hit, he's got hands. But excellent cover by Hyde, too.

6:48, 2cd. I really dislike settling for an FG after 1st down inside the 10. It's gonna bite us hard someday...

6:11, 2cd, FUMBLE, caused by Clinton Dix, recovered by Matthews, we needed this! And promptly showed our run blocking has a way to go...

End of the half - We got bit hard someday. The Zebras earned that Charger TD. What a bunch of shit. Need a drink and some popcorn...

Our goddamn defense should not have to stop BOTH the opposing offense and the ridiculous schemes of Dom 'The movie Crimson Peak is my autobiography' Capers.

From teh audience:

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:34 PM

Dom Capers is coming through again, making Rivers look like a good QB. FUCKINH TIED WHAT IS THIS SHIT??!?!?!!!?
paleo responds: It's a rare talent. Capersensory Perception. A man who can make a high school quarterback look like Joe Monfuckingtana.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:34 PM

Announcepantsers. are totally in the bag for the Chargers.
paleo responds: Not prepared to make that accusation, but can verify that they suck on ice.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 5:35 PM

Good thing I stocked up on bourbon...
paleo responds: As long as you don't have to be functional in the morning.

:46, 3rd Q. This has sucked. Now, Mr. Rodgers and the offense seem to have taken an interest in the game. It's time for Mike McCarthy to have Capers buried under the locker room and have ANYONE ELSE call the defensive formations. ANY ONE. Please, for fuck sake.

Umm. GAAAHHHH! in the 4th Q.


zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:18 PM

Who the fuck called a running play on 3rd and 19?
paleo responds: Probably DON Capers, the intern offensive coord


zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:19 PM

yeah, punting ain't going to win this game. KEEP THAT FUCKING RIVERS OFF THE FIELD, CAPERS YOU DOUCHE-CANOE!!!


zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:22 PM

Can you imagine how great the Packers would be doing if Rodgers would get the kind of protection that Rivers has?
paleo responds: Yes.

zombie rotten mcdonaldOctober 18, 2015 at 6:35 PM

I hope paleo didn't stroke out...
paleo responds: The thought crossed my mind...

END OF GAME: STROKING OUT NOW!!!!

This is going to be a loooong fucking year.

Goodnight Gracie. Maybe some Doctor blogging later. Certainly some whiskey drinking.

Goddammit, bubba.

Two Brief Stories

I cannot yet comment on the Dom Caper Follies, kickoff's at 3:25 Central, or the Doctor, as Sweetie spent the night with her Girl Scout Troop, so we'll see the Doc tonight.
Actually, a touch of explanation is called for. We are childless, and at the stage of life where we is going to remain free of carpet squirrels. One set of our best friends has four children, all badly in need of restraints and lithium. Teh oldest female child, already 6' at 15, is a Girl Scout - we've bought cookies, QEmotherfuckingD. Her mother, one of Sweetie's closest friends, is the, I believe the term is 'troop leader'. Sweetie done got drafted.
Last night was the fall 'camp-in', where they shared s'mores and stories of cannibalism. I think. 

Herr Doktor Right Reverend Zombie has already commented on him falling out the back of a wardrobe and ending up in a Bourbon Haze in a state with 8,000 lakes (goddammit) and a massive

Jawa Sand Crawler taking shape on the east side of Minneapolis for some semipro sportsball team. (And briefly seriously, that was a great damn weekend! I fear he has acquired an expensive new habit, distilled finery...) I have one short story, outside of the Zombie/Snag whirlwind reaping, to add.



I'd been invited to see Blues Traveller at Mill City Nights, a local music club, and went. Sweetie played designated driver for three of us, my BIL and one of my twatting-introduced buddies.

We get to the club, and three good-sized, somewhat shaggy buggers pile out of an Equinox. Now, I frequently wear a dark brown felt fedora. Adventure hat I calls it. On a very good mental health day, I would refer to myself as stout, p'raps chunky. We start into the club, and a gentleman, seemingly homeless, or possibly severely polluted, mumbles up to us. Unable to sort out what he was saying to us, he started pushing a folder or photo at us. Confused, we say no thanks, boss, and head into the club.

Later in the club, I saw a guy looking somewhat like the dude out in the lot in the club, and the light hit me. Stout, fedora, at Mills City - little dude thought I was John Popper! Not sure how to feel about that, but I'm pretty sure I'm right...



This week I was offered a job/promotion. I had two days of meetings with the hiring manager for the position, as he was at our site, and our preventive maintenance program is to become the standard across the company's data center management portfolio. I run our PM program, and although I tend to be loathe to blow my own horn, I am really good at my job.

While bullshitting at lunch, he  said something about DC ops managers, and I said, somewhat joking, do you have any openings? He said yes, and after working with me for two days, he was prepared to offer me the position. And "I'm serious. Talk to your wife!" Middle of nowhere, New Brunswick, Canada. N-i-i-i-i-c-c-c-e.

Well, of course, we talked about it, and although she was not as enthused as I, she was open to it, but after discussing some things, she brought up family issues I hadn't thought of, that truly prevent us from getting that far away from the midwest for the forseeable future. I spoke to the gentleman the next morning and told him I would be unable to look at it. Now, I hadn't even asked him anything, really, about the job, so it may have not been a fit anyhow, but I cannot deny the location and the title were not an awful lot of what I like... Eh, it is what it is, I have a good life and good friends here, and other opportunities will happen.

Coming up shortly, Live-Blogging the Packers Chargers!