Monday, May 28, 2012

Monday Morning Bachelor's Movie Review

My wife made it to Yurp safely and I'll be skyping her in a few minutes, now I just have 10 days for my fingernails to grow back in preparation for her return trip.

Meantime, my bro-in-law and myself are reliving those halcyon days of  yesteryear, blackjack, hookers, hamburger and potatoes 4 times a day, baby-sitting one of those dust-collector dogs. As the bodavus gotta work this morning, we sent the hookers home at 5 last night, made dinner, and I gave him the keys to Netflix.

Never again.

Allow me to present to you...

Starring man of a thousand identical faces Ryan Gosling as Driver (get it, Drive, Driver, clever, no? Ummm...), Ron Perlman as Hellboy/Beast/ Biker/same frakkin' character he always plays and is usually pretty cool but not today, Carey Mulligan (who I was genuinely excited to see, Sally Sparrow is one of my favorite Companions) as the generic Distressed Single Mother, and, snark aside, Albert Brooks, doing a genuinely good job as a mobster.

Driver is an expert stunt driver/race car driver-mechanic who moonlights as a getaway driver, and he's Da Best. Generic Distressed Single Mother (this film not only fails The Bechdel Test, but doesn't even have ink in the No. 2 pencil) comes into his life while husband is jailed and Driver becomes a male role model for GDSM's boy. Driver gets involved with newly unjailed Mr. GDSM, to protect the boy, you know, and ends up annoying Teh Wrong People. Curbs get stomped, violence gets stylized, metaphors get beaten with a whisk, and endings get left open to interpretation, and don't come nearly soon enough.

I am cool with violence, and even gore - I prefer it to be a bit more cartoonish, perhaps, Walking Dead as opposed to any of the dumb-ass Saw movies. But even ignoring the gore porn, THIS IS A BORING MOVIE. SO BORING. FUCK, IT'S BORING. Slow, definite meant to be 'art', can't be more than 250 words in the entire script (and mostly said by Albert Brooks, who as I said, does actually a good job, quite surprisingly menacing when needed, he should do a 'heavy' role in a better film and see how it goes), and boring. 

Don't see this. See anything else. See a goddamn Meryl Streep movie, even Mamma Mia. See Barney's Wild Adventure (I prefer the un-rated version with the cheerleaders) (Thank, you, brain bleach is on me!). See anything. Watch the Weather Channel. Do not watch this pile of pigeon puke.

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