Monday, September 10, 2012

ESPN Haz A Sad


ESPN has cancelled SportsCenter this morning due to unconsolable sobbing. Lee Corso was unable to drink. Chris Berman was having a massive hate-wank. Olbermann applied for a job.

The Messiah of Metropolis, Tim Tebow, did not single-handedly take the Jets to a Super Bowl win yesterday. In fact, a suspiciously named heathen, Matt Sanchez, took all snaps on passing downs, having a pretty remarkable game. At no time was Mr. Tebow, the finest human being on earth, and the only man Ron Jaworski would go gay for, allowed to launch one of his patented Jesus-rockets (whip the ball at Heaven and pray.)

Rumor has it Tebow was undergoing syphillis treatment up until gametime, following an introductory tour of New York with Sanchez, introducing him to quaint Gotham culture such as 'The Champaign Room'.

Sanchez: "C'mon, Timmy, it'll be fun!"
 Lil' Timmy: "My momma always tol' me drinkin' was bad and it made baby Jeezuz cry."
Sanchez: "Alcohol?! This is just grape juice. Maybe a bit past the expiration date..."
Lil' Timmy: "Okay."
Sanchez: "Run, Timmy runohhhh that's gonna hurt..."

The Holy Tebow completed no passes on the game, proving he is as effective off the field as on, halleluhah!

ESPN is back on, Chris Mortenson with the headline "Jets Score 48; Is It Time For A Quarterback Change?"
Moron neanderthal homonculus dickweed.


Not a great sports weekend at the Wisconsin west paleo homestead. The Badgers, shutdown by not the worst team in college football, the Oregon State Hackysacks, but still, one of the early season gimme games (#1 Alabama, against perennial BCS contender Western Kentucky, pulled out at 35-0 barnburner). Damn. Well, at least I still have Aaron Rodgers.

Due to my work schedule and wildly unreasonable employer, I was unable to watch Green Bay maul San Francisco. That, and they didn't maul San Francisco.
I was able to follow most of the box score, but at halftime I called my dad and says to him I says, is this as bad as it appears and he says it is, baby, it is and it may be, and I ain't got enough beer for another half of this. 63 yd field goal, an oblong spheroid bouncing in ways unusual for an oblong speroid? Jeez, its like we're in teh football minor leagues, like the Vikings and Gophers. 
What's that? Really? Fuck. 
Ok, Gophers whipped the mighty New Hampshire Wildcats, and the Vikings made actual football decisions, and had not one player arrested before, during, or after the game. Congratulations, I guess, I think.

One last thing, speaking of the 'Queens, I have a new favorite player, Chris Kluwe, Viking punter, who wrote a letter in response to a Maryland Delegate (same as a representative), who ordered the Baltimore Ravens owner to hush up a player, linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo, who has had the temerity to support a Maryland initiative supporting gay marriage. This letter is reproduced in full, because it must be, and share it please.

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland's state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):
1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should "inhibit such expressions from your employees," more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person's right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.
2. "Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement." Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who's "deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland"? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you're going to say that political views have "no place in a sport"? I can't even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for "beautiful oppressionism").
3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you'll start thinking about penis? "Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)
I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won't come into your house and steal your children. They won't magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won't even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?
In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I'm fairly certain you might need it.
Chris Kluwe
P.S. I've also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your "I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing" and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.
Chris Kluwe is a punter for the Vikings. Follow him on Twitter, @ChrisWarcraft.
Preach, brother Kluwe! 

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