Friday, September 7, 2012

Vignette From An Arizona Courtroom

The judge looked down from the bench at the pathetic figure in the chair. This was going to be rough, these cases always were. But, Duty. With a soft rap of the gavel and a bit of a cough, the judge said, “We need to hear your story.” And quietly, “Sorry.”

The figure in the chair tried to straighten up, tried to regain whatever dignity possible. Failing, and slumping, “Well, your honor, at first I noticed the breasts and long hair. But, with my training, I know hippies have long hair, and some overweight men, and most male bodybuilders, have large, round, firm, umm, oiled pecs, and ummm…” Voice fading for a moment, and returning with some determination, “Oh, ummm, I couldn’t be certain it was deformed-“

The judge interrupted, “Deformed?”

“Yes, your honor, two X chromosomes. Ummm, well, the eight beers I’d had before I drove over had my vaginy-senses tingling, and I was suspicious, and figured I best check. So I decided to feel at the crotchal area, and if I found a, ummm, “ whispering, ”hoo-ha”, turning bright red, defensive, “I’d take it back to its master, really, that’s all, I was trying to protect it! Then these socialist bouncers threw me out and called the police-“

The judge murmured, “- Oh god, not another, no, damn –“

“And my chief, I thought he was a good man, but he fired me, and I’m about to lose my house, and these –“ grimacing “- people want to put me away, and –“

With palm to forehead, the judge said “You poor thing -”

“- and I know, judge, thanks, but I just want to put this behind me and get back to my life, please, your honor.”

“Of course, you scamp, get outta here, with the apologies of the court!” Justice always felt so good! Turning to the victim,

“Now, young lady, I hope you’ve learned your lesson about being where you shouldn’t be, outside is for men, and since you were in a bar, you clearly have no moral foundation. Right there, your parents, crying! I mean, you really deserved this!”

Jeebuz, what a sick twisted little fantasy -where do I come up with this shit, what’d I eat, can you have a mushroom flashback, 20 years later, I –

Sweetie: (unintelligible)
paleo: “What’s that babe?”
Sweetie: “Look at ThinkProgress…”
paleo: “What? No… Really? What. The. Fucking. Fuck."

Judge Lashes Out At Assault Victim


  1. Appointed by Jan Brewer? SHOCKED.

    I know it disheartens some people to hear it, but more proof that voting for the 'lesser of two evils' does, in fact, provide LESS EVIL.

    My favorite part is where Judge Shit-face justifies the leniency for the assaulter as "just one way we can give back to these people who put their lives on the line everyday". Lady, they are COPS. Not holy warriors. In Arizona, their primary duty is to hassle suspiciously brown-skinned people.

  2. Of course, who am I to criticise? IN wisconsin, we have a senile stumpfucker of a Supreme Court judge who physically assaults another judge, then prevents the investigation from going forward by strong-arming two of the other judges off the case.

  3. I gotta quibble a tad, ZRM. Senile stumpfucker? I'd be happy if he was senile. He is not, unfortunately, and has the capability for great evil now and in the future.

    Also, he's been the mentor and former employer of Wisconsin's answer to Kathryn Harris, Kathy Nickolaus, chief vote-fucker-upper for Waukesha area.

  4. No argument on the stump-fucker part, though?

  5. Stumps, chickens, walruses, Prosser fucks it all. Then strong-wings and strong-flippers the fuckees into dropping the case.

  6. Consent, Davy-Boy, old legal principle.

    Seriously, everything I've read about him, he's a psycho, so I want to know why, in WI and other places, the highest judges in the land are political appointees and theoretically don't need to know a law book from a lavatory? Cripes, I've fought speeding tickets - I can haz bench now?