Brain Bleacho $1.99/qt at Bob's Produce Ranch* today only.
To continue, I have a few things to do before the game, so I want to get some thoughts down, timestamped, before the start, so y'all may marvel at my sabremetretical ingenuity.
As has been played up h-u-u-u-g-g-e in the pre-game runup, this is the first Super Bowl in which two douchebags have faced off head to head as coaches. (Bills Belichick and Parcells having never played each other, or Jimmy Johnson.) Although each is douchey in their own way, you have to give the edge to 49ers douchebag Jim "Ol' Douchenozzle" Harbaugh, who has an incredibly talented rookie QB who he would rather use to win a Super Bowl than teach how to slide, thus guaranteeing early knee replacement. It's that sort of piss-n-vinegar that lofts Jim into the douchesphere.
This being Ray Lewis' last game, and the Super Bowl at that, no one will ever mention again that he pled guilty to the cover-up of a murder in Atlanta in 2000, testifying against his posse, thus avoiding murder charges himself and necessitating the disposal of the no doubt expensive white suit he had been wearing at the time, which has never been found.
Cris Carter, of the Minnesota Vikings and ESPN, has made the Hall Of Fame. "Ol' Crybaby", as he was known, never led the Vikings to a win of any significance, and was instrumental in taking a somewhat naive rookie, with the most potential of anyone in that draft class, Randy Moss, from a possibly groundbreaking wide receiver to a player who somehow managed to still be all-pro...
While taking any off play that his number was not called, sobbing on the sidelines to the coach, quarterback, and any sideline media about his not getting enough thrown in his direction, and assaulting a traffic control officer.
Randy Moss, now on the 49ers, will sob on the sidelines today and not be a factor. Carter, "Ol' Offensive Interference", will be fellated by Chris Berman at halftime. Bleacho, Bob's, see above.
The Pornhub commercial will be aired, third quarter, after the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese ad starring a beagle, a Honey BooBoo impersonator with polydactyly, and a chess game with Death. Directed by Michael Bay. Bookmark, it, you heard it here first.
Tim Tebow will be discussed at least once if he is found in the stands, twice if not. Pppbbllfftttt!
San Francisco 38, Baltimore 21. Meh.
Some liveblogging later during the game, after halftime, not necessarily about football per se, I think the read option offense is a recipe for dead QBs but not much more than that, if anyone wants to fight...
*We srsly love this place...
UPDATE: 6:28 Central
Came into the room for good just as Baltimore scored, went to commercial.
STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS
UPDATE: 7:05 Central
Half time. Talking heads, total IQ of 65. Apparently Beyonce is the halftime show - not my style of music at all, I understand she has a fairly amazing voice, but whatever. No drugs, Satan, groupies? Meh. Gonna make a drinkie.
Do I dare?
Gordon's canned gin and tonic, courtesy of Netherlands via Sweetie. Here's beating your children!
Not bad, a bit weak, my version of a gin and tonic is 8 parts gin to 1ml tonic, with a 'part' being a variable, let's call it x , representing anything from an finger to a quart. In the distance, I can hear a Zombie howling as he throws up everyone he's eaten in the last month.
BTW, how did the Packers, in Super Bowl 31, earn the worst halftime show in history as ZZ Top didn't even phone it in, they used tin cans and string?
UPDATE, 10 seconds into the 3rd Quarter:
We have explored before that my prognostimacating skills are suxxors.
UPDATE: 7:42 Central
Half the stadium lights just went out.
Been there, done that. Poofsparksparkspark.
SHORTER CBS SPORTS WHILE LIGHTS ARE OUT:
UPDATE: 8:27 Central
Advertisement with Gangnam style pistachios. That is one motherfucking jumped shark. Stop now.
Wil Wheaton on a Lincoln commercial? Nice - love Wheaton.
Baltimore falling apart quickly. I really don't have a dog in this race, Jim Harbaugh is the bigger douchebag, you have three 49ers go off on homophobial rants this week, I'd prefer they lose.
UNBELIEVABLE UPDATE: 9:05
The announcers talked about Ray Lewis' brief career as a blade man, Colin Kaepernick Tebows. Prognostimication. It's what's for dinner.
END OF GAME:
I'm not unhappy, but still, meh. Commercials, ok.