Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Sweetie Drew The Short Straw

...and is getting ready for me to take her to jury duty.

I was given notice once, when I was living nort' of the Twin Cities, although there was no bench call, and after calling in every night for a week, I never had to go. (I was on a layoff, so it would not have been a problem, I stayed home for another week before taking a call back in North Dakota - coal plant in November? Give me the courtroom.)

Sweetie sits on the bench in downtown St. Paul - ugh. She has her magic backpack o' crafts, but still. She would like to be on a trial, something to mark down on life's bucket list. (My list includes some work - I've done a lot of things, but I always wanted to be a gravedigger, just for a day, just for the list. Of course, now they do it with a backhoe.) And I'd be okay with it, unless she went into a long sequester (I adore my frakkin wife and don't get to see her enough as it is), more power to her.

Myself, I wouldn't lie during the jury selection process, or try to get out of serving. Yet, somehow I don't think I'd make the trial.

DA: "Juror 80081E5, can you be a fair juror?
paleo: "I can and will, I'm reasonably intelligent, certainly opinionated but I like truth."
DA: "Do you have any issues with the American legal system?"
paleo: "Yes."
DA: "Such as?"
paleo: "Well, I hate you."
DA: "Pardon me?"
paleo: "You are the scum of the earth. I hate you and probably don't like your family."
facing Judge: "You too. Also, all cops are high school thugs who found a profession allowing them to remain bullies and dickweeds."
to defense attorney, currently grinning like a monkey: "Back it down there, cap'n, I hate you as well. I most likely hate your client."
paleo: "Of course! I don't have a dog in the race."


  1. I've only been called once. Tried to get waived, as I was starting my practice and needed to be able to do client work, but all they offered me was a deferment.

    The juror questioning wasn't nearly as open to snark as your story. There was really no opportunity to disqualify oneself. So I served.

    Shit for a defendant, too. Statutory rape case, young lady was molested and raped by her mother's boyfriend at the time. I wound up being chairman.

    Yeah, we put that fucker back behind bars.

  2. The juror questioning wasn't nearly as open to snark as your story.

    I suspect so.

    Yeah, we put that fucker back behind bars.

    Keep reminding myself I'm against the death penalty for very logical and philosophical reasons, but I'd want to throw the switch. In the courtroom.

  3. I've been called in a few times but never had to sit in a trial. Mostly sat around waiting. Made it as far as the selection process, but right when they were getting that started the case got settled.

    I got a Fed. jury duty thing in the mail in July. Filled out the paperwork and sent it back. That one would be both interesting -- because feds, and sucky, since it'd be down in Eugene (45 minutes away). I think it was a six month window so I'm probably pretty safe now with only a month to go.