An Open Letter To The Modern Thomas Pain(e)s

So, I've been on Twitter for a while. (twitterwhore: @paleotectonics). 

I don't often use it to try to engage, don't even typically look at the timeline. I don't believe it is even really possible to debate with 140 characters - I consider myself primarily a polemicist, so, admittedly, that can be fun, but I can get more creative here. I mostly just use it to talk to the friends I've made and abuse radio show hosts. 

Now, this morning, I did breeze through my timeline. (Every once in a while I look at Yahoo and Youtube comments, as well. These are not good places. Mostly just reminders that Adventure Time is prophecy and not the result of psilocybin and Benadryl.)  One of the folk I follow is Trix (@commiegirl1) of Wonkette, and she got into an brief exchange this AM, probably nothing much to her at her level of notability, but one of the tracks she was in contained a quote I found rather illustrative.

Liberals are Americans who hate the ideals that made America free & prosperous. They poison the water of freedom

Ferpplt. The frak. Hmmm. K.

Dear Modern Day Martin Luthers,

WHO IN THE BARKING HELL TALKS LIKE THAT?

Okay, Eustis, I realize you believe you are channelling Thomas Jefferson(1). I realize your talking points are filled with this gargle. I realize you have gone through pallets of cardboard, boxes of markers, and hours upon hours with rulers creating masterpieces of political philosophy.

THE BLLOD OF PARATRIOTS IS THE SUMP OF AMERICAN IRRIGATION

THIS TRICORNER HAT IS JUSTICE 

OUR FOUR FATHERS ATE AT THE LOAF OF GOD

There's a reason we mock you. Gleefully, in my case. You not only do not address a single argument, you can't seem to get near the topic. Paul Krugman says that the math and the evidence/experience shows that raising the minimum wage doesn't hurt the economy. You respond BIRTHCERTIFICATEGHAZI. Bill Nye gives his likely valuable time to Ken Ham in a quixotic attempt to educate him, of all people. Ham responds with godidit and by attempting to game the tax system and most existing labor laws. 

I'm certain you are an inspiration. Your garden gnomes remain standing throughout your whole howl. If it rains, you've inspired gawd to fix your irrigation. If the wind blows, you've inspired gawd to dry you the hell off after the rain. Congratulations. But.

Our country has legitimate problems, and the adults need to work on it. So you go find tricorners for your lego city denizens, or work on your discourse. If you don't like the minimum wage, give an actual reason. If you don't like President Obama, give a legitimate reason. I didn't like President FootiePajamas, and for reasons, not having anything to do with the fact that he was a dry-drunk coke-fiend puppet to his Vice President. Unknown trillions lost in a crusade in the Middle East. The attempt to privatize Social Security. His letting New Orleans drown while rebuilding Trent Lott's vacation home. 

Step up your game, or go sit in the stands, chief.

Love, paleo



(1)Or, perhaps, more likely, Jefferson Davis.  Possibly Jefferson Sessions, R-AL, Kleagle of the Klowncil Of Klitizens, District South. Unlikely George Jefferson, East Side, Deluxe Apartment In The Sky.