Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions
Tough one, actually. Detroit is far and away the dirtiest team in the NFL, hands down, has been for a long time – the Lomas Brown thing hardly surprises. The Bears? Just evil, the city of Chicago, evil. Also, annoyingly good, enough to win, and give us another chance to make Cutler beat up his sideline.
Tampa Bay Bucs @ Atlanta Falcons
Atlanta has the same problem as Green Bay, and I assume Falcons fans have the same complaint I have – listen to the national media, especially YOU, ESPgoddamN, and you would never know there was a team there, much less the NFC No. 1 seed.
Please, dear FSM, if’n Rex Ryan would shut the hell up, I’d appreciate it. A lot. And Tebow? Look, I’ve softened a bit on the boy. He is still a sanctimonious god-bothering jackhole who has no business playing QB in the NFL, although he might make a good TE or FB, but he has truly gotten a raw deal. Denver, 100 miles approx from Colorado Springs, the sanctimonious god-bothering jackhole center of the universe? Of course he was the biggest story in town, but Denver was not without talent, and now with an actual QB they are likely to be No. 1 seed in the AFC. And then the Jets? You poor bastard.
Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints
Cam Newton, regardless of his Terrible Twos, is having a good year. Watch out for him long into the future, especially if he grows up a little. This game may cause the scoreboard operator conniptions.
New York is suffering a poultry shortage, as Eli Manning has run out of chickens to sacrifice (Tagliabue ftaghn, Ia, IA!). But the rotten sumbitch still seems to have our number.
Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots
Miami is a team on the way up, Bill Belicheck is Satan’s less pleasant brother. I have no reason to root for this game but come on Fins!
St. Louis Rams @ Seattle Seahawks
The Seahawks are on a roll, and Russell Wilson is a good Badger, but after his post-game interview for the GB-Seattle Fail Mary game (“What push-off? Looked good to me! We worked hard and earned this win…”) he needs pain, and we need to see the miniature slapnuts again in Lambeau.
Dallas Equus @ Washington Redskins
I hate Dallas. With the burning hate of a thousand million hatey burning thingies. Almost as much as the Bears. I also think Dan Snyder, owner of the Redskins, is a human whack-a-mole game. Tough to call...
And of course:
THE GREEN BAY PACKERS @ Minnesota Pop Warner League Vikings
Lest there be any doubt, I wish to humiliate the Queens and co-workers. But I has one minor hitch in my needs – I actually respect 2 Vikings players, Chris Kluwe, who is a helluva human being although I still need him to shank every punt today, and Adrian Peterson, who again seems like a genuinely good guy and a fantastic athlete. I actually would have loved to see him break the rushing record – but it cannot be allowed. If he’d run for 208 yards last week and only needed 94 today, I’d have lived with him breaking the record on us. As it is, however, he has to go down in flames. The rest of the Queens shoulda stayed on the Love Boat.
Disagree at your peril. W00t!!1!!