Friday, June 26, 2015

In Which paleo Finds The Muse Of Poetry

I saw my psychic this morning. I was hoping to find my Grannie Erma's famed cache of filberts, as I'm a bit peckish. (Not especially in a mood to drive to Wisconsin, but then, my decision making goes to hell when I need to suck down some nuts.)

Lo and begoddamhold, I inhabited the thrice virginal Brisket (h/t Tengrain's never-out-of-the-shrinkwrap menagerie of loonies) Palin

She was reflective, diarizing, having Tripp help her with her multiplication tables. But she then, mindlessly doodling, wrote this:

The Northern Lights shine
Above my ankles, glowing
Fuck, is he done yet?

Wow. I... Beautiful.

And then I bought some Combos.

Bloggie Business

Firstest of all. Read this. Listen to your damn body. Treat it right, unlike, say, me.

Firster of all, Imma hoping to be posting more for a while. Finally. I know. Probably some blogroll changes as some people have dropped of the map. Which brings us to

Firsterest of all, please welcome friend of paleo Teh Burgemeester to the wide world of porn errr, Internet Newsletters. He's a good shit, smarter than I am (bastard), and his first post is far better researched than most of my polemics about Bigfoot, Lindsey Graham, and Bigfoot/Lindsey Graham slashfic.

You're welcome for the last image I put in your head. Send complaints to 1060 West Addison Street, Chicago, IL 60613.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

I Think Scott Walker Is Making Certain Moves, Politically...

So That He May Better Run For The Presidency

Scott Walker, Goggle-Eyed Humonculus Currently Running The Koch Brother's Subsidiary Formerly Know As The State Of Wisconsin (h/t the brilliant Mr. Charles Pierce), has just overturned the already sort of completely toothless Wisconsin law mandating a 48 hour waiting period to possess a handgun after inquiry into a purchase.

Almost certainly one of the priorities he spoke about in his gubernatorial run in 2014.

However, I do have a bit of a confuzzling over his likely governing philosophy. Lemme see if I got this straight.

A woman has a pregnancy that has issues - either the embryo/fetus is of questionable viability, or she feels she cannot provide a secure environment for the eventual child, or she just does not want to have a baby.

She has made this decision. Her decision. No one, no matter their opinion on the pro-choice/forced birth spectrum, makes this decision lightly, no one has a girlfriend's afternoon with Panera's/manicure/abortion.

Walker would now have her wait 72 hours, 72 hours of small-governmentally-enforced lobbying by her ob/gyn, or goddamn lunicidal xtians, 
about the goings-on in her genitalia, or 72 hours to drive four hours home and then 4 hours back, before she can have an abortion.

Gotcha, boss. But, ummm...

Then, point the second.

I have a neighbor, who has moles. His moles go into my finely manicured lawn and create unsightly proof that there are moles in my lawn. This communist bastard neighbor refuses to deal with his moles. My finely manicured lawn, which I prize above all other things, is endangered by lumbricus-istic rodents. My lawn, just to be clear. I love my lawn. I've made love to my lawn. Shut up.

So my neighbor must die, repeatedly if necessary.

I can now go to Bob's Compensation Shop. "Bob's - Where We Don't Know Or Care About Our Inventory, Screw The Blackamoor In The House For Real Americans! Our Deals And Our Customers Are Crazy!!!"

I ask Bob, the proprietor, actually Bob The Third, as palindromes are extremely easy to remember the spelling of - it's a heritage thing. I says to Bob, Bob, I says, "I would like a Grock .814cal Varmint Molester Model 1776, 8 clips, and 4 boxes of fully metal jacketed rounds. I has a varmint problem, Bob, and I intend to fix it."

Bob says, "Certainly stranger, who I don't even rea-a-a-al-l-y have to check ID on, I'll just take this form that you can put anything on, like your name *snerk*, say, Bob Bobson, and send it off to the unreliable and slow federal website which I may have forgotten to sort of sign up for because in Wisconsin firearms dealer's licenses might actually be easier to get than the gun. Now, because yer very pale,

*Episode of eyeball Tourette's, in some areas it might be considered a couple of winks. Or epilepsy. Stroke, maybe. Freshly defibrillated? I recognize the gesture from my mirror this morning, and so I am comforted.*

do you need help carrying it out to your truck right at this moment because it's your right in Wisconsin to buy a gun without a waiting period, you're a lovely shade of white so I expect that the background check will be as pure as the driven snow?"

Twenty minutes later, my neighbor has been permanently corrected of the errors of his ways. Unfortunately, I forgot to stop at Home Depot for grub killer and an Earthway's manual spreader. Dammit! Fuck my life!


Scott Walker feels MY pain. I need him for president now!

Monday, June 22, 2015

Either I Need More Drugs, Or - Eh, What's It Matter, This Is Messed Up


Forget the false bands. I have a reason to go on.


The drummer elf kicks some ass.

That is all.

Paleo Productions Presents: Pale People Privilege

Dear Burger King,

You took some tough press for that. Really tough.

And, I mean, rightfully so, the decision makers at your corporate levels make me nostalgic for the good old days of tumbrels and gigantic cheese slicers.
My sweetie informs me that it's a French word, geeoteen. I ain'tn't so good with French, although I can generally find the wine. Oh, that's right, you now have people who speak French working for you! Huzzah! Well, enough pleasantries. Hang on to your pantaloons:

I haz your new ad campaign!!

Please to be paying muchness for it, I'm thinking mid-six figures?




Now, to be serious:


Parkour-boy, in McKinney, TX, attempts to throttle an unarmed, bikini-clad teen-ager, and you know he'd have shot her friends if the other cops hadn't talked him down. AND THEY. DID. NOTHING. WRONG.

Now you've got Lew Rockwell Jr., killing 9 damn people, and you not only handle the little sonuvabitch with the softest of kid gloves, he's peckish, so you buy him fast food?

And the conservatives actually want to know why us loony libs think the American Justice system is terminal?

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Fuck Them

So, last night I was finally prepared to write a post again, slice of life, I've been through some ups and some serious downs recently. Seen a few great concerts, taken a couple nice short overnighters, had some successes professionally. Achieved even greater and more annoying health issues. Been outsourced. Haven't nearly completed many tasks I've set for myself.

And then I turned on the news.

And now I have some responses.
  • Ms. Lindsey: “But it’s 2015, there are people out there looking for Christians to kill them,” Graham added. “This is a mean time we live in.”

The inbred shitball wasn't looking for 'Christians' and you fucking know it, you swizzlestick. You self-loathing gun-worshipping bloodthirsty fucking fae monster. NRA whore. Let's-you-and-him-fight. You and your long, black, hard, penis replacements "Oh-oh-oh-oh, better watch out for me after 6pm, do you wanna see my AR-15?" You fucking hack - suck a tailpipe. 

  • Nikki Haley: Republican South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley gave an emotional speech at the press conference announcing the capture of the perpetrator of the Charleston church mass shooting, at one point appearing to be close to tears.
Jam a chainsaw up twixt your nethers, Nikki "No, seriously, I'm white, like Bobby Jindal, I'm a reverse Rachel Dolezal but I did it first, I iz a innovator, I am not a wog, I'm Nikki Brady!" Haley. You fucking monster, fucking vampire, fucking fuck, You. Helped. Cause. This. Take your crocodile tears and shove 'em! Not only do you happily fly the racist flag of fucking traitors, you don't even have the fucking decency, after the murder of African Americans because they are African Americans, to lower that toilet paper.
  • Lil'Waynie LaLil'Peter and every member of the NRA: Came in their pants yesterday, a flood of semen not seen since the first time they watched TV wrasslin.
I've flirted with grab-the-guns rhetoric on these pages, stood on the line. Fine, you death-dealing dickhead, you win. 
Then melt them down and drown these pathetic possessors of 9mm penises. You cowards. You sick, worthless, useless cowards. Fuck you. 

Actually, one more.
  • President Obama: "There is something particularly heartbreaking about the death happening in a place in which we seek solace and we seek peace, in a place of worship."
You know what, dude? I very often genuinely like you, I do, despite being disappoint many time. But you are genuinely so naive and sometimes flat out stupid.
- January 12, 2004 — Two white men break into a black church in Roanoke, Virginia, and cause $77,000 in damage.
- July 11, 2006 — A cross is burnt outside a black church in Richmond, Virginia.
- November 4, 2008 — Hours after President Obama’s first inauguration, three white men in Springfield, Massachusetts, doused the partially constructed Macedonia Church of God in Christ in gas and set it ablaze.
- December 28, 2010 — A white man attempting to “gain status” with a white-supremacist gang firebombs a black church in Crane, Texas. (H/T commenter SethCole, Raw Story)
The Southern Baptist Convention, always respected as a friend to all pale races who read the KJV and will never admit to watching anal porn, has stated its intention to 'declare war' on the US if gay marriage is given the stamp of approval. Yeah, Mr. President, these are fucking patriots, you fucking betcha, their asses just bleed eagles.

And so you know what?

FUCK YOU, Mr. Obama. You have taken no steps whatsoever towards reducing gun-violence. 
  • After Sandy Hook? Nice speech, then nothing. 
  • The fucking roaches at the Bundy ranch? Still breathing. You want to drone people? Drone those criminal amphibian molesters.
  • Every motherfucking racist rat goddam pig in the nation murdering the shit out of African Americans? Darren Fucking Wilson, where your Justice Dept. took the word of a bunch of sub-literate hillbillies calling themselves cops that "We dun't do nuffim wrong to dat nigger."? Still there, except for Wilson, who retired quite nicely on his un-needed (very important word, that) defense fund - a couple million bucks in Missouri gets you your own shotgun shack in the hollers and a couple purty sisters. 
Nice speech today. Are you finally going to fucking do something?

Fuck everything.