The World's Dirtiest Word

Religion.

I'll give my usual disclosure: Whatever you believe, great. If it helps you sleep better, if it makes you a better person, great.

That's faith.

Mine? Given the ridiculous stuff I believe on a daily basis, I can hardly call myself an atheist. I'm not certain what eschatology I fall into. One thing I'm positive of, I don't believe there's an old man with a book or iPad waiting for me to either:
a.) be good and so get to go listen to cherubim holler Ave Maria until I put a celestial nuclear weapon in my mouth, or;
b.) be sent to a pitchfork wielding Pan expy who has all the good musicians and a long pork barbeque.
I try to be a decent human to be a decent human.

Now. I am on the mailing list of the Minnesota Family Council. Most well known for being pro-bullying. especially if gay kids die, it is a hard-right-wing political action committee. I stay on the mailing list because these people are dangerous as hell and it's a smart thing to keep an eye on the bastards. The CEO, John Helmberger, sends out pleas for money, prayers, action, and money. He asks for donations as well.

So, his latest 'testimonial', encouraging caucus participation, needs to be explored a bit. To begin, though, let's face it, this 'event' never happened. Lying for Jeebus.*

A Defining Moment at a Precinct Caucus Only behave as citizens worthy of the gospel of Christ Philippians 1:27

The Red Words? Nope. Paul. Color me surprised, most evangelicals have never read the gospels. They like Paul and the Old Testament, books and letters what give them an excuse to kill. The Rabbi Yeshua ben-Yusef, if he existed, seems to have been pretty chill. Feed the poor, heal the sick, whomp the ever-loving hell out of bankers. Paul's a complete bastard.

As a university graduate student, I arrived late at the precinct caucus for my new neighborhood. The room was full, with standing room only, and I could barely find a place to squeeze in near the entrance. As it turned out, that was a good thing.

Okay, basically true. Political engagement is a great thing. Although I have major issues with the caucus process, preferring the primary system, good on you. Good on everyone who goes.

Having grown up in a politically active family, it was only natural, now that I was out on my own, that I also would participate in the grassroots process of debating and voting on issue resolutions, hearing from candidates, and choosing delegates to represent my neighbors and me at upcoming conventions where candidates would be endorsed.

 Again, engagement. How can I have a problem with this cat?

But something had changed. Or rather, someone had changed.

I had been conditioned from my childhood to identify with a party that increasingly valued personal autonomy above any faith or moral code, looked to government as protector and provider, and oftentimes viewed faith in God with open hostility.

And, we're off. Meine dog's ears are bleeding. Who's faith? I know all'y'all don't believe in Papism or Smithism, but even more than that, the pre-millenial dispensationalists think the post-millenial dispensationalists think the Prosperity Gospel crowd think the UCC bleeding hearts are all wrong and going to hell. And everyone hates the Jews (h/t Tom Lehrer).

"Above moral code"? Moral code, is, ummm, laws. And you're damn right I want government protection, from bankers and 'patriots' and Lost Cause types and godbotherers who feel the need to dictate faith and moral codes.

Of course, I had never thought about it in those terms. In fact, I never thought about my party affiliation at all. I just followed the path I’d grown up in without questioning it.

So, it took you until graduate school to think?

But now, in that crowded caucus, I couldn’t do that anymore. Some years earlier I had become a Christian. It took a while to get serious about studying God’s word, but as I did, it started changing me. It changed my values and priorities. It gave me a new lens through which to view everything, including politics. I found myself evaluating policy on everything—from abortion to taxes and spending—in light of Scripture.

Abortion? Not a word. (Although the Old Testament was awfully approving of killing kids. Dash the children against stones, anyone?). Taxes? Render to Caesar what is Caesar's. Spending? Before Pauly stuck his misogynistic beak and lust for authoritarian power into things, the early Christians were egalitarian socialists, share what you have, Mary Magdelene one of Christ's beloved.
Which religion will save the world, Johnny? Seems Lil' Teddy Knickers; Stabby McNeurosurgeon; Florida's Parched Theocrat; Cousin Itt cosplayer, college president, and one-man Ukrainian model immigration agency Don 'Don' Trump; and the rest (Mary Ann, Ginger, Kasich) have vowed to set much of the world on actual fucking fire

I now knew I had a calling to engage in the process as “salt and light” for the sake of the gospel of Christ, the only power that can truly transform hearts and minds and cultures.

Back up, dear. I don't believe any of your nonsense. I have my own nonsense and have yet to stab or set fire to anybody.

As I stood in that caucus meeting listening to demands for one policy after another that conflicted with what I saw as God’s pattern for a truly just and moral society, it hit me. “I don’t have anything in common with these people,” I thought. “I don’t belong here.” Thankful that I was near the door, I slipped out as quickly as I could, making a clean break from the inherited politics of my youth.

You were not the only thankful one, John-John. These people were exploring solutions to problems. Together. Not looking for the simplicity of listening to 200 preachers arguing about when Jeebus comes back but agreeing that the gays must be killed.

Since that defining moment, I’ve caucused with another party whose platform—and usually candidates—more closely align with biblical principles (though not perfectly—that never happens in our fallen world). I’ve become more actively engaged than I ever had been before, spurred by our calling to “behave as citizens worthy of the gospel of Christ” (Philippians 1:27, ESV literal rendering of Greek).

Ok, bucko. Let's take the revisionist history - The republican party invited you yahoos into the party in a quest for political power. Votes. As late as Barry Goldwater, you were kept at arm's length. Abortion was chosen as the visible politically acceptable way to organize for misogyny, segregation, and an alphabet soup of phobias. Reagan then brought you guys in. The republican establishment has used you for 36 years for votes. They, prior to the rise of the Teabaggers, would never have outlawed abortion. Too politically useful. And the road went both ways. A couple of notable items were added to your laundry list. The rights of rich people (yeah, the irony is like rain on a wedding day). The end of the Public Commons.

If you haven’t participated in a precinct caucus, I encourage you to give it a try on March 1. Find your precinct caucus location and learn more about Minnesota’s precinct caucuses. There’s more at stake than ever before, including the freedom to engage openly in our culture as a Christian. Come shine your light—it’s needed!

John Helmberger
CEO of Minnesota Family Council

Yeah, I'm going to participate in my caucuses. Sorry, JJ.

'freedom to engage openly in our culture as a Christian'?!? We're riddled with you rodent molesters. Fuck yourself. 

*

In Which paleo Yells At Radio And Clouds (Maybe). Also, Awards!

Last weekend, while running errands on a Saturday morning, as is typical of Saturday AM radio all my usual radio stations had

“Use miracle Vitamin X-7, made from pressed anaconda. Cures diabetes; colonoscopy; hysteria and other typical female problems; and vaccine-based diseases such as autism and not missing a year of school because of a polio outbreak in your bedroom!

or

“Buy an apartment complex for no money down and retire by this afternoon!”

or

“The Fluoubeetazinc in organic raised eggplants will allow you to buy an apartment complex with no money down and give everyone polio by this afternoon!”

Blech. Hmmph. Scanscanscanscan what the everfucking love?

Okay, right wing clap-your-hands-to-save-Jesus-From-Well-Me radio, some clichéd tough guy calling himself Joe Pags, no link because he’s not the central point here, just another low-rent Michael Savage with dreams of moving up to become a low rent Mark Levin, who watches American Sniper while wearing both Depends and a condom. Mr. Pags and his acolytes were, near as I can tell, discussing the Tsarnaev trial and sentencing phase, in the common right wing Spirograph system, Obamaphones, Black Benghazi Panther Certificates, OMG Hitlery. Creationism was breached, and his Hostness proceded to educate his audience. Paraphrased, ‘if the earth’s orbit was just a couple degrees different, we wouldn’t be here, therefore the earth was created for us evolutionists eat puppies satan satan godidit.’

Well, hell, the first clause is nearly vaguely correct. If the earth’s orbit was a couple degrees different life as we know it wouldn’t exist, yes. I wonder why…

Oh, yes, because EVERY CRITTER ON THIS STUPID ROCK, THROUGH NATURAL SELECTION, EVOLVED TO SURVIVE ON THIS EARTH IN THIS ORBIT WITH THESE ENVIRONMENTAL CONDITIONS. Creatures, including us, with adaptations that were best suited to allow survival tended to survive, hence, my ugly ass.

To steal a line, “Life Finds A Way.”*

If the earth changed orbit, and we couldn’t adapt (evolve), we would go away and confuse the hell out of some future Slappyborgian archeologist touring the remnants of the Solar system. If the earth had started in that slightly different orbit, but had the chemistry and survived the universal crapshoot for life to start, and that life then adapted to survive and thrive in those environmental conditions, the Quatloonian race of Clobetazole 7 might now be ruling this quadrant and beating the snot out of those damnable Slappyborgs. Fuckers – I hate ‘em! Ummm.

Joey, the universe is a neat and endlessly creative place without the need for a Hirsute Heavenly He-Man.**

As the Gyroscope Of Loonacide continued turning on the radio, they hit the Tsarnaev verdict again. This is where the stumpfuckers reminded us again that a.) they are not stable; b.) they are not xtians, if anything, they are Paulites and love the Deuteronomical laws, they have never read the Red Words and if they had existed coexistant to Rabbi Yeshua, they would have volunteered the nails and the hammer for the goddamn soshamalistic hippie; and c.) there’s a bunch of them, and the cravenly powers that be court their votes.

“Strap him to a pressure kettle bomb!” “Torture him first!” “They should do it on Pay Per View, like wrasslin’!” “The Bibbly says an eye for an eye!”***

I know that Joe and his esteemed audience are missing the gene for IQ, and molars, thumbs, not eating roadkill; so Imma speak slowly.

Under extremely stringent circumstances I can live with the death penalty. Stringent circumstance number one? MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT GUY.***** I’m good with the death penalty with many cases of rape, absolutely for pedophilia, if you hurt a kid, or terroristic acts. (I know, I know, I just described frat bastards, priests, priests and Republican legislators, and Dick Cheney.) The death penalty is not a deterrent. The death penalty should not be revenge. The death penalty is the result of those cases where someone has done something completely. fucking. wrong., and must go away. 

For as much as I’ve followed the Tsarnaev trial, it appears to me that the kid truly cashed his check and it’s about time to leave the building. Okay. (And so why can’t we get Cheney?!?) I have not followed that closely, and while I would like to know from anyone who has been paying attention if that is the case, for the sake of continuing this puddle of word, let’s assume he done genuinely earned himself a ticket to hell. Fine.

But torture? Effin’ Pay Per View? Wow, yer a dick. Seriously. “Well, paleo, eye for an eye, we have to do to him what he done to us ooops, pissed myself.” No. Thank you for playing, you’re dumb.

Do you even know why we supposedly do not allow cruel and unusual punishment? Or, if you are reading, torture, Mr. Cheney?

BECAUSE WE SHOULD BE BETTER THAN THE RAPIST, THE PEDOPHILE, THE TERRORIST. Or, we’re supposed to be – to judge by the raw bloodthirst Joey’s callers exhibited, they are not much better than Tsarnaev.****** I, for one, refuse to let the criminal drag me down to his level. Can you jackals even fathom that? Tsarnaev may have to go away, but that is no reason for us to throw away our humanity, our pride, or our justice system.

WHAT DO WE HAVE FOR OUR GUEST, JOHNNY?

Mr. Pags, I award you and your sycophants a free public education, as it is apparent none of you have taken advantage of the one offered you in childhood. I also give you sippy cups, as blood can be so hard to get out of your onesies.

AND SO, HAVING VANQUISHED THE MONSTER, paleo MUST awww, hell, what’s this?

A day later, returning home from work, I was listening to The Daily Report, local afternoon liberal talk. Couple of really good fellas, the host Ian and producer Wilhelm, check out their show streaming and as podcasts. (And occasionally you hear me, and occasionally I’m even polite.)

In order to explain the following rant, I have to dig into the weeds of Minnesota politics a touch.

Minnesota, under two whole years of actual leadership courtesy of Governor Mark Dayton******* and a fully Democratic-Farmer-Labor lege , boasted a near $2B surplus, and after 8 years of Guv. Wonderbread and Mayo Timmy Pawlenty, has a lot of stuff to fix, to fund. But (scare chord) last fall, the MN Pubbles took over the MN state House.

They just put out their legislative priorities. Schools? No. Environment? No. Take a guess.  Oh, I can’t hold it in -

TAX BREAKS!!! For a few people. They want to hand out every penny of surplus, plus some borrowed funds, in tax breaks, primarily, I know, shocked, right?, to the wealthy. You got yer school vouchers, no property taxes for corporations, cut the minimum wage for restaurant servers, and, if you’re a $50K household, you get $125.00 EACH YEAR for THE NEXT TWO YEARS! WOOOOait, what about transportation? No? K, gotcha. Every republican fellates derp.

Now, as Ian and William discussed transportation funding, a gentleman, who I suspect believes himself an economic realist and fancies himself a principled libertarian, called about light rail.

Light rail is fairly new to the Twin Cities, is quite popular, and needs expansion. (Particularly from my home suburb to my work exurb. Not gonna happen? Shit.) Caller ‘Chris’ brought up the strawman that light rail will never pay for itself, why do we have it, unspoken racism, unspoken classism, we haz to subsidize it oh noes, why don’t we fix roads********, especially in places far from the urban hellhole that is Minneapolis-St. Paul, like the intersection of Grandpa Braunschweiger Trail and Fire Road 11357 in Itaska Cty.

 paleo blinks, finds scotch

Chris? Ummm, sweetie, WHEN HAVE THE ROADS EVER PAID FOR THEMSELVES? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A TOLL ROAD THAT WAS NOT SUBSIDIZED BY THE STATE? How long, after you finished your interstate highway system, did it take for the riches to roll into your account?

I mean, I have not yet heard that Target put in a Paver selection, even online.

All. Transportation. Is. Subsidized. All transportation is subsidized, it’s a public need, a public good, and it cannot be done without tapping the public commons (ooooo, soshalamalamdingdong). ALL TRANSPORTATION IS SUBSIDIZED. Light Rail is much greener than auto traffic, solves a lot of downtown parking problems. Certainly road (and in MN, especially, bridge, thank you Lil’ Timmy) upkeep is a crucial part of the transportation puzzle, but a well-considered transportation plan requires light rail pieces.

And roads, bridges, and light rail will all be, and will always be, subsidized, and will NEVER turn a profit. They. Are. Simply. Needed. Deal with it, oh libertarian screwhead.  

BY THE SACRED COMMITTEE OF ME, I HEREBY PRESENT TO YOU:

Caller ‘Chris’, I award you 270,357 feet of MatchBox racetrack, from my parent’s basement. Some of the track may be dinged up, as they also made wonderful impromptu swords. If you can figure out a way to make public, well, anything pay, I’ll award you a subscription to a peer-reviewed transportation journal that you may enlighten us.

 

*Okay, from Michael Crichton, yeah, I know he was a global warming denialist and in general a twerp, but bitch could write.

**I guess personally I preferred She-Ra, because 11 year old boy and boobs, but actually I was a Warner Bros guy, and Bugs Bunny in drag neither fooled me nor jump started puberty.

***Actually, that’s a Mosiac law thingy, Deuteronomish, like don’t wear both silk and hemp.**** Jesus didn’t say a bloody thing about televising an execution by pipe bomb, he was too busy beating the tar out of peckernecks using religious buildings for commerce.

****Thereby probably preventing some extremely relaxed foreplay. BASTARDS!!!

*****Any review of the news or Governor Rick Perry’s terms in office in Texas show that being that stringent is something right wingers are not especially interested in.

******If they’re serious, that is – most wingers spend a lot of time in their basements watching Fox, trying to find dry underwear.

*******Except for the Viking stadium – why, Gov. Dayton, why?!?!?

********By the way, Chris, the slashed transportation funding? That included roads.

Random Thoughts and Pointed Anger

I'm annoyed on many fronts, infuriated on several more, so this is gonna be one of those pot pourer thingies. To preface, I have bile in my bladder, and hate, burning, like a thousand million very vigorous exothermic reactions, in my molybdenum.

- Its been a great year for Lil' Waynie LaLil'Peter, so many many pointless deaths! So many goddam lunatics!
I'll say these things out loud again. Stringent, stringent licensing for carry of any sort - basically, if you feel a need to carry a gun, you should not ever have a carry permit. Serious reform of the police, including firing and confiscating the weapons of about 85% of the cops extant. Pay the good cops what they're worth. All confiscated weapons should immediately go to the nearest smelter. Close the gun shows...period. I'm fucking tired of the penis replacements. A guy in Minnesota ambushed his neighbor because she yelled at him for riding his mower on her lawn, she survived. But the excuse given is that he had PTSD. "Well, paleo, what are you gonna do?" Hmmm.
PAY TO GET HIM HELP FOR THE PTSD AND DON'T LET HIM HAVE A GUN.
GAH!

- Please to kindly fasten seatbelt before driving off the cliff. I don't need to see any last minute gymnastics.

- The radio announcer for newsbreaks @JimMiklaszewski , known for bloody horrible jokes-

"And now there is a new way to wipe your ass! Yes, that's right, a carwash designed for donkeys has just opened..." 

must be fed to ravenous ducks, then nuked from orbit, but he did not touch this dumb person. A radio announcer from an internet station said 

(para) "the tree in Griffith Park, Los Angerless, dedicated to former Beatle George Harrison has been guffaw chuckle snort pees self eaten by beetles! Whocouldanode! Oh the irony! Oh the humanity!" dies

Shut up. Trees eaten by beetles? You've just described half of life in the Twin Cities. Its a big circle. The beetles eat the trees, the trees die, the city replants the trees, my dog eats the trees. Please note please, the Beatles were not playing amateur ornithopterists when they came up with their name, they were making a play off of Buddy Holly and the Crickets.

- By the way, George Harrison is the second greatest former Beatle, based solely on 

Listen now please.
Greatest former Beatle? Ringo. Full stop, I'm right, bugger off. While Paul was writing 'Liverpool Oratorio' , Ringo was touring with Joe Walsh. While John Lennon was in a 5 year alcoholic haze before giving half of his comeback album to Yoko Ono, Ringo was in "Caveman". Ringo always remembers it's just rock and roll, have fun and give thanks you can have a career where you can have fun. And 

is awesome.
(Also, Yoko Ono is awesome. Loves me some Yoko. She does not give a flying dammit what anyone, including me thinks of her. She can't fucking sing. She doesn't care about my opinion. Swoon!)

- I listen to a lot of podcasts, and have recently found and listened to Clyde Lewis, Portland OR radio/internet presence. Think Alex Jones without the permanent aneurysm and with a sense of humor. I know, me, right? Loves me some weirdness. I can peel through the eps to avoid the 'faked moon landing' stuff. About six months ago, he babbled about the Hollywood Sex Magick Underground, Miley Cyrus as the Trickster devil baby panda sidecar burrito, acid and sacrifice. I call it Tuesday. He is worried about the resurgence of the Satanic Panic. Ummm.
There was a real Satanic Panic in the 70's and 80's, and it wasn't about consenting adults, twerking, snorfing down every powder in sight, wiring their lesbionic accessories to the nearest 480V outlet. Real people got hurt, by cops and prosecutors seeing a sexy way to drum up business and budgets, by people looking for answers in tragedies with no answers, by worthless preachers using the threat of SATAN to protect children from thinking. People spent time in prison because prosecutors and psychologists manipulated children. Actual cases of child abuse were not enough - now there had to be baby sacrifice. Ignoring the wave of babies not being kidnapped. Pat Pulling and Bothered About Dungeons and Dragons, I feel bad for her kid, feel bad for the obvious problems she had. My parents were bothered about D&D, primarily the part where I would disappear Friday at about 7pm and show up Sunday for church. We became experts at casting one spell - Repel Chicks. Goddamit, lady person, we were just little frakkin nerds, for Sauron's sake.

I apologize for this.

So Clyde, don't pretend that a bunch of Hollywood idiots playing as if they were the London Hellfire Club are any sort of trend towards armegeddon. Hell, I loves me some Miley Cyrus - she wins the Golden Troll forevah. Not especially curious about her latest chart-topper but wevs. Have fun, Miles!
(Oh, and Kennedy? I take the position of Bill Hicks, when he explained why people can't go up to the window of the Texas Book Depository Assassination Museum - because you'll look out the window and "THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY!" Oswald was very likely involved in some manner...and a patsy, and debateable as to whether he was the actual killer.)

- Its been in the 80's for the last few weeks. "Oooh, paleo what a beautiful day-y-y." 
Shut up. 80 is the gate to hell. 80.1 is hell, and the metaphorical representation of evil, who I treat much like I treat the metaphorical symbol of good, to pick a word, ummm, so much bullshit, is ramming the nearest pitchfork into your nearest available nipple. Which, you know, whatever floats yer boat. 80 does not float mine. When I take over as the metaphorical symbol of good, 55degF every goddamn day.

- Speaking of the 80's, and radio up above, I'd been on a metal shift for a few weeks, courtesy of a Twilter friend. (caution- loud, angry, cool)


Then a certain young dead friend threw me back into the young paleo days. SO I've been listening to what is laughingly called oldies radio a bit, reaching for the good:

within the huge amount of dreck.
(Imagine I have put an Eagles link here. I will not because I really respect you. You are not like those others.)
But, one point I must reiterate. The Eagles are a good band, technically proficient, well produced, and certainly like many people I've heard a lot of them. But please. Stop. No more 'Life In The Fast Lane'. No more Reelin' In the Years'. Strangle 'Stairway to Heaven'. There is a lot of music out there, qualifying as oldies/classic rock. (Poison is neither, KOOL 108 Twin Cities. Shut up.) Try 'Seven Bridges Road' or anything from when the Eagles were aping Gram Parsons. Try 'Bad Sneakers'. If you want long Led Zeppelin, try:


- Hell with it. Ta.

The Minnesota Family Council, Proudly Protecting Sphincters Since the Black Guy Got In The White House, Cries HAVOC! And Let Mah Special Snowflake Killim A Queer

My favorite group of Krusaders is Krying and Kicking their feets because the State of Minnesota has dared to be attentive to a need of its citizens. In an attempt to stop the bullying that led to the suicide deaths of several kids in the last couple of years (warning – reading this article will make me want to choke the living shit out of every asshole in the MFC) (you may remember Michele Bachmann saying nothing at all about a cluster of deaths in the largest school district in her congressional district, yay Batshit Shely!), and against ferocious resistance from Minnesota Christians, delaying the bill entirely too long, the Minnesota state Senate is preparing to take up an anti-bullying bill.

I am on the Cowards Against Colon Caressing mailing list - sometimes my blood pressure gets low, but like an answer to a prayer, I can always count on them to send out something so pathetically paranoid and stupid as jack that shit right back into the stratosphere. Let’s unpack this a touch, I don’t have a real talent for fisking* but lemme try.

IMPORTANT ACTION ALERT:

GNOMEAGGEDON!!! BENYAHTZEE! WHAT?!! WHAT!?!

The Bullying Bill (H.F. 826) will be heard in the Senate Finance Committee Thursday morning!

Whew. Good news, I’m pleased, I wasn’t going to go full prepper due to the alert, but this bill has got to be finally more or less a slam dun-

The time to act is NOW to stop this bill that will harm our children, keep parents in the dark, and undermine our schools' ability to do what is best for our kids! 

 -the fuck? So this is gonna be one of the 300/190 mornings?

So why is a bill that claims to make schools safe from bullying such a bad bill, and why should I care? 

Oh yes. Enlighten me and stuff. Allow me to fetch my pearls and vapor thingie. P’raps a couch. 4 grams of happy shrooms. To the Gaggle. And such.

1. The bill does NOT protect ALL students from bullying.

Any serious effort to protect children from bullying must be an effort to protect ALL children. Singling out certain "types" of children as "worthy" of protection is NOT the right approach. 

readreadread Damned if they’re not right. This is all disabilities, lgbt, minority, cyberbullying, looks like white quarterbacks driving dad’s old beemer are fair game! (takes off sunglasses - YYYEEEEAAAAAHHHH!)

2. The bill leaves parents in the dark.

A genuine effort to protect children from bullying should require that parents be notified if their child is bullied or accused of bullying. Parents have a right to know.

“Parents In The Dark”. Izzat what “notifying the parent of the reported target of the prohibited conduct, the parent of the actor engaged in the prohibited conduct…” means? Whoodathunkt, wow.

3. The bill defines "bullying" so broadly that children can be punished for merely "offending" someone by expressing a belief or opinion. 

An appropriate approach to addressing bullying clearly defines the prohibited behavior so kids know what they can be punished for, and ENCOURAGES the respectful sharing of differing ideas, opinions, and beliefs since an atmosphere of understanding will truly prevent bullying. 

Really, are you jesusliars dense or just really bad at creative paraphrasing? I ain’t’nt even gonna snark at this. You want your precious little cabbage to be able to parrot any damn thing he wants, right?, ‘cuz first amendment, but without repercussions, ‘cuz assholes. Let me try a syllogism on you, bubba. Umm,

IF Jesus, THEN you’re getting yer ass whupped at the Pearlys because you are a selfish sociopathic git.

4. The bill defines bullying so broadly that it will require teachers to regulate children's words and conduct 24/7, 365 days a year.

Teachers have limited academic time with our kids. An effective bullying approach does not require teachers to monitor what kids are saying online when they're not at school or a school event, or during the summer. This is an incredible requirement for teachers and a vast overreach of school authority into our homes. 

I repeat, really, are you jesusliars dense or just really bad at creative paraphrasing? Here, they are referring to cyberbullying, done either at school or from home, and if teachers hear of it, they have a responsibility to intervene. (Lord knows you good Christians won’t. “Good job Chip! Judge that fa**ot!” You people really make me ill, monsters, all of you.) Cyberbullying is neither a new phenomenon, nor a quiet little corner of the internet, so your phraseology for #4 is really goddam disingenuous. Seriously, you make me physically ill.

5. The bill is a top-down, unfunded $20M mandate that would be forced on all our schools, regardless of whether or not school districts, teachers, parents and students have already worked together to create a good bullying policy that works for that district. 

A legitimate approach to bullying doesn't bring in schools, teachers, and parents LAST--it includes them at the very beginning and doesn't try to force a one-size-fits all policy on all students and schools. School districts in Owatonna are unique from districts in Minneapolis that are unique from districts in New Ulm. The right approach to bullying lets schools, teachers and parents lead on this issue without strapping them with an at least $20M unfunded annual mandate.

Yep, heavens, these school districts are so unique, and the MFC is truly… Screw jokes. What are they actually saying?

• Owatonna. Whitechristianrural.
• Minneapolis. Welfaremoochingduskyhuedgangbangers
• New Ulm. Whitechristianrural.

Let’s try some others!

• Park Rapids. Whitechristianrural.
• Two Harbors. Whitechristianrural.
• Rochester. WhitechristianexceptforsomedoctorswithdotsontheirheadsdidyouhearwhatIsaidhoneydotsheeheehee.

Yep. Salt of the earth. Morons.
Just kindly go off somewhere and beat yourself about the head and neck for while, the adults are trying to fix things here, you dickweeds. By the way, unfunded mandate? Well then, by FSM, the tax breaks your little cults get are coming out of my pocket and I’d like it back now. There is a food bank, couple shelters, civil rights orgs, I’d like to give it to, they are all amazingly better organizations, and people, than you.

*This poor attempt at fisking inspired by Cerb at S,N! Well, more accurately, the style is blatantly appropriated. Full credit due and stuff.

Wherein I Take Chris Kluwe At His Word

So, the big news in the Twin Cities is Chris Kluwe.

Mr. Kluwe, my onlyest ever favorite (now former) Viking, is an verbose proponent of gay rights/gay marriage, and took his advocacy wonderfully, beautifully public during the Minnesota Protect Our Tight, Sensitive, Buttstarfish From The Oiled, Post Workout Sweat-Sheened Six-Packed Fruitqueergots Blech Amendment, blasting a Maryland legislator who went on the record saying that the Ravens should force Brendon Ayanbadejo to hush it.
He followed that with an article deconstructing a statement by former Viking center Matt Birk in favor of 'traditional marriage',


In his latest article, he states that he held off with this statement out of respect for his teammates during the course of this season, that he has/had no issues with Vikings owner Zygi Soprano, and that he can't prove and will not claim that he was fired solely for his advocacy, but that he strongly suspects it. So here, at the end of the Vikings Pop-Warner-League-Championship-calibre season, he has spoken out, calling former head coach Leslie Frazier and current General Manager Rick Spielman cowards, and special teams coach (also candidate for new 'Queens head coach) Mike Priefer a bigot.

This is complicated, honestly.

First off, full disclosure, I'm a Kluwe fan. I think he's a fellow weirdo. And I think his head is in the right space.

Unpacking this, there are two primary legs to this stool, and a third, not as important, but tending towards his veracity. Given the characteristics of the tertiary leg, let's get it out of the way quickly.

He admits he's done with football, he's older, he is fully aware that after this article he is unmarketable. Yes, that's right, Ray Lewis, murderer, will go into the NFL Hall O' Fame. Michael Irvin, Lawrence Taylor, cocaine vacuumatics, already there. Chris Kluwe will got to PAX and Comicon. He gets nothing out of this, except perhaps closure, but is honest enough to admit that if Priefer, his primary villain, were to suffer professionally, it wouldn't hurt his feelings. I give this point to Mr. Kluwe, and am likely to take him at his word.

Primary leg one. Anyone thinking the NFL is not homophobic as hell is fooling themselves but no one else. I say that as an NFL, well, Green Bay Packer and whoever is playing the damn Cowboys and the damner Bears, fan. It's all about the macho, who's toughest. Brett Favre played through 413 concussions and can't remember his family's names half the time, but he was the ultimate toughman. What does toughness have to do with being gay? Not a damn thing unless you're an idiot, but, a lot of idiots watch and work for ESPN. Being an NFL coach is the closest you can be to a legal dictator, until you get fired Players not coming forward to back up Kluwe's statements (I am talking very much to Vikings K Blair Walsh) recognize that their own careers are on the line for speaking out (especially with Priefer on the Head Coach bubble.). NFL HR and press offices are cautious to a fault. "We take it one game at a time, love my coaches and my city and my fans, God willing we'll make the playoffs." Rinse and repeat. Anyone not Peyton Manning, who does commercials for Papa John's (who wanted to cut hours and employees rather than provide health insurance? Jackasses.), who says anything is risking 'the product', and the NFL gets twerky about it. Point to Kluwe.

Primary leg two. Kluwe was getting older, getting really good money for a punter, and punters are not exactly important in the NFL scheme of things. One bad game for a punter/kicker can often mean unemployment. A good punter with a long career makes a half season's pay for someone like, well, Peyton Manning. In the 2012 season, I wanted Packer's kicker Mason Crosby not only fired but possibly beaten. In the 2013 season I want Dom 'The Gaping Hole' Capers, Defensive Coordinator of the Packers, fired, beaten, healed, re-hired, fired, and beaten. Any NFL career is capricious at best. Punters are not only hardly immune, they provide excellent scapegoats, are noticed and remembered only when they do poorly, and receive credit only within the bowels of the Monday morning special-teams debriefing. Point to the Vikings.

For myself, I am taking Kluwe's statements as genuine. I also know that not a damn thing will be done about them, we have to give a stadium to a billionaire, ya know.

What do you think?

Climate Change Denial Isn't Just A Hobby, I'm A Member

So, listening to sports talk on the way home from work (no judging. The only antidote to remembering how bad the Packers were yesterday is listening to Twin Cities media call their team a squad of nun-beaters.)

Local Limbaugh wannabee and suspected serial egg-plant buggerer (it would be irresponsible not to speculate) Joe Soucheray was laying down a groove, troof about the Vikings, and the subject turned to the Bears-Ravens game, and other slightly more important news from yesterday.

Joe said, para, that tornadoes happen, and that the only reason people notice them nowadays is that people are living in areas that used to have tornadoes go through and they would just kill a rabbit maybe. His co-host, an old sportswriter named Patrick Reusse (who's actually alright, his choice of friends notwithtatnding), brought him in from the ledge a bit, and eventually they settled on "Well, it's not unheard of."

Dear Mr. Souchoreilly,

People have been living in Chicago for a bit. Cincinnati? Not exactly the wild frontier. Washington IL, F4, pretty flattened. Been around a while, did a bit of good in this skirmish called World War II. F3, Paducah, Kentucky. Some horses ain't'nt come down yet. 20 city blocks on the Natl. Registry of Historic Places. Tornado touched down at a uranium enrichment plant, and by pure luck, no releases. Check out The Weather Channel for more.

You know what? No, Joey, get your hand out of the vegetable patch and listen, goddammit. Yeah, sometimes tornadoes do happen, sometimes out of nowhere. Snownadoes. Sharknadoes even. 

12+ of the rotten bastards in middle damn November?!?!

Someone may have noted that. Just saying.

What will it take for you to realize, stuff is not exactly right?

Open Letter To AM 950, MN's Progressive Radio

I listened to my usual radio show this morning on the way to work, The Morning Grind with Matt McNeil.

He entertained a caller named Alex, who claimed to be a true independent. Among the viewpoint espoused by our one true independent was that (para) "I blame the republicans, but Obama lost me when he would not come to the table when the republicans proposed to fund a few things. That's like, if you are trying to free hostages and the hostage takers are willing to release a few, and you demand they keep all of them or release all of them, and Obama is being a real bad person by not releasing those few hostages."

Matt McNeil then pointed out, correctly, that the republicans, if allowed to fund the few things they like, would then allow the rest of government to die, and fuck anyone who gets hurt, they got theirs, or at least the blahs won't get anything, or something. Benghazi.

Matt then had a caller named Jeff, who, after implying that Alex was as dumb as a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory*, objected to the analogy of 'hostages', with which Matt agreed, stating that it was in poor taste and minimized true hostage situation. I took pen to computer screen and wrote and yelled my objections to the comment line. Sweetie then informed me that I was an idiot and demonstrated a thing called typing. Please to contemplate:

Mr. McNeil, Mr. Wonderful,

In reference to caller Alex (and I would doubt he is a true independent, sounded like a libertarian, a conservative republican that likes marijuana and consequence-free-for-the-man sex), Matt and Jeff said that the "hostage" was a poor analogy, and not appropriately respectful to true hostage situations, "which are truly ugly" (para).

I, instead, believe the hostage analogy is truly apt, and this is ugly. Lives are at risk.

• Women and children needing the pittance the govt allows them in food aid to make it through the day

• The FDA - anyone eating chicken in California today?

• All sorts of health research

• OSHA and workplace safety

A better hostage analogy would be:

The republicans have taken the hostages (government services rated non-essential). The republicans offer to let a handful of hostages, that they either like or find politically useful (WW2memorialgate-wtf-omg, fund the full Defense budget, VA Benefits) go, in exchange for another hostage (the ACA), and then machine gun the rest of the hostages (the aforemention WIC, FDA, OSHA, CDC, ACA, Justice Dept., Commerce Dept., Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security), causing untold suffering for a helluva lot of people, except for, and I was shocked to reach this conclusion, rich white guys.

The Teahadis are that bad.

Love, paleotectonics

Is that fair? Am I making a reasonable argument?

*Watch now plz.

Another Good Guy With A Gun Went Past The Expiration Date

Yes, I know it was a woman (with a child in the car? Jesus Christ!!?!), I just have a need to remind people that Wayne LaPierre was a waste of sperm. FALSE FLAG BENGHAZI ROSWELL!!!

That's not what I was really going after, though. It has been a horrendous few days politically. The 27% mouth-breathers have Killed Government In The Auditorium With A Bag Of Dumb, and I fully expect them to go after the credit rating as well, because if you are gonna suck a cock you may as well go for the balls.

I'm aware my language has gotten infinitely coarser of late, at least when talking politics. Don't worry too much, as a nation we are terminally fucked and my little notepad doesn't stand much chance against a collection of people who need directional signals on their Hoverrounds because the teabags covering their eyes prevent them from being human. Here's hoping for a hard flu season. Anyhow.

I try to avoid talking politics with most people, mostly because I am incapable of respecting or responding politely to republicans, and there are too many of them, ooooh, sorry, got that wrong, since 2001 as of 2009 they've mostly been Independents or Libertarians, shut up, twats, in Minnesota, but sometimes I overhear. Today's right wing memes:

The SUV driver chased down by motorcycles and beat up. Wow. Yeah, the cyclists were being shitheads. Doesn't mean you get to kill them. Oh, and "If I were that driver, I'd have had my gun and they'd have really gotten what for. And notice how the news media isn't reporting on this because they're black?" Well, you found out, brighteyes. Oh, and for the record, if the cyclists had been white and the SUV driver black, the SUV driver would have been dead as soon as a cop cleared his car door, followed by "I thought he was stealing it. And he had a gun, he must have tossed it."

The veterans at the World War II memorial, and the National Parks. This one worries me, this is gaining traction, oh-oh-oh the scary BLACK IMPOSTER found out the WWII vets were coming and closed the memorial to show them who is the head Kenyan Pimp! Fuck off, klanboy. What worries me about this meme is that if the 27% mouthbreathers can restore, piecemeal, the bits of the budget they like, and they is sho' nuff trying, screw the rest of the budget and Women, Infants, and Children can die horribly, they'll bring the Moet & Chandon.

Helluva lot of these goddamn worthless teabaggers and their goddamn worthless representatives are children of the World War II vets generation. Wonder if those guys, quietly serving, coming home and building a middle class, in a large part through government money, realized their children would be rabid braindead fucks?

A Couple Of Letters Home

Just wanted to share...

July 31, 2013
Hey folks! 

Thanks for the birthday card, and this weekend Sweetie and I are taking a little weekend up north, we'll use the gift cert for dinner one night. I adore my wife. 

We're doing good here - progress is always slow on the damn house, but it is cheery and stuff, we quibble over things but ever onward. Teh kitties are adorable, the brother-in-law less so but it's cool to have him around. Just had the Neighborhood Night Out, met a bunch of new neighbors, nice people, bring some youth and the pitter-patter of feet between it appears 3 and 15 years oldish. You know I think kids are great, I have a nice big lawn.

You know me, Mr. Big  Liberal, but I'm excited, we're excited, MN Marriage Equality starts at midnight, v. cool... 

We love y'all, take care of yerselves and we'll see you in a couple weeks, 

Love, paleo, Sweetie, Diva Bitch Cat and Punkboy

Sept. 30, 2013
Dad, 

Hope you're alright - I hear they are getting food trucks out to the smaller cities. Mom would have wanted you to eat. 

Things have settled down a little here. I managed to dispose of my brother-in-law, lucky I was sleeping with the gun under my pillow, who knows what he would have done had he caught me by surprise, but with the morgues and cemeteries overflowing I had to get creative. 

It was hard enough with sweetie leaving, but I was just questioned yesterday by agents from the North Shore Provisional People's Council - she and a person known only as Pat are the primary suspects in a series of church flagellations up by Ely. I called the couples next door, and they all called their other significant others, and when faced with that much queeritude they backed off, but then Roald up the street opened up in our general direction and it turned into a brief exchange before the agents headed to a friendly house. Gov. Dayton's Air Force dealt with them with extreme prejudice. The neighborhood has settled into smoldering peace of a sort. 

If the lake cools, I may go fishing. 

No one listened to Cassandra. The man across the street has declared Rastafarian Law and tried to sell me livestock. The cats chewed through the screen door and there are no birds or squirrels left, and actually, thinking about it, I haven't seen the fox kits that had been under the neighbor's shed. What have we done... 

I may head for you, if you can vouch for me at the border. I'll have to fluff it up a bit to make it through the Metro, so excuse the make-up when I see you.  

Watch out, bud.
paleo

This parody inspired by this delightful bit of loonacy. And Green Eggs and Ham. 

That's right! A very generous MFC supporter has agreed to a very generous matching gift, so every dollar you give to help MFC will be DOUBLED up to $10,000, from now through September 30th.

Why? They understand that our religious liberties that have been under attack for many years were further stripped away on August 1st, when same-sex “marriage” became law without any significant religious liberty protections.
Your gift of $25, $50, $100 or more to MFC will be doubled from now through midnight, Monday night, September 30th.

Note: There are more African Americans in this plea for funds then there are in the entire organization.

Dear Jesus, Please Let People Die Of Treatable Shit, I'll Just Blame The Dirty Messicans Anyhow

Seriously, for chrissakes, this woman is dumber than a sack of rotten grapefruit.

“You know who shows up,” Blitzer pressed after Bachmann said her oldest son is a physician. “These are people who don’t have health insurance, and we take care of them.”“Quite often it’s illegal aliens,” Bachmann responded. “Illegal aliens show up, so we the American taxpayer are picking up the tab for people who aren’t American citizens.”

Stupid fucking tool.

I went to emergency rooms any number of times during the years I went without insurance, often well after any long-term damage was already done, but I was tired of coughing/puking, which at that point would have stopped on its own within a few days. You know, the reason primary care physicians exist, and why everyone should have one, and why don't we have BLEEDIN' SINGLE PAYER?

Fucking Evil. Acid Eyes, and the Pubbies, and their merry band of scrotum suckers, are bloodthirsty fucking monsters.

Post Wherein paleo Attempts To Get Back On Track

So, posting has been light. I can make a lot of excuses, will make a few excuses, but primarily after 10 days of no posting during a crucial part of my project, and additional stress accumulating, I lost momentum. If'n anyone has been enjoying my little doggerel, it is no less than I enjoy writing my little bits of nonsense.

This should have been a fishing weekend, much like last year at about this time, but my buddy's cabin is about 30 miles north of Detroit Lakes, MN. (For teh geographically challenged, that is basically really fucking north.) Unfortunately, part of this opening weekend trip has been, historically, putting a dock in the water, putting a pontoon boat in the water, putting bait into the water. As of Wednesday night, there was no water, and no great impetus to drive 4 hours to ice-fish.

As such, Sweetie and I have been having a low-key weekend, being nice to each other, nice dinners, doing things together, gathering scientific data on the efficacy of different lubri - nice dinners. Trip to Costco (damn them, and I like them too, but holy hannah them sunzobeetches should be giving me stock by now.) At her request I have introduced her to

with the first Serenity 2-parter and The Train Job. She is starting to dig it, and I am trying to clue her in as much as possible without spoilers.

In the news, Minnesota is this close to having same-sex marriage, by legislative action, even. This pleases me a great deal.

There are a couple marriages I want to see - plus, this may be my last chance to go to a strip club with Sweetie's approval.

Of course, the 'Queens firing Chris Kluwe at the same time, on a team in a town with one of the NFL's largest gay populations, is somewhat discouraging. There were some very legitimate NFL reasons to let him go, and remember, there is only one thing in the NFL that matters - MONEY, but the whole thing is a bit smelly, especially on a Viking team that still employs Chris Cook and continued to employ the star players associated with the Love Boat Incident. In an NFL that collectively fellated Ray Lewis at the last Super Bowl. Bullshit.


I stand a very good chance of having, for the first time in my adult life, a banker's hours job. First time ever, 8 hrs, Mon-Fri. Yes, it is part of the on-going saga wherein I have cursed American business to hell and back, and explaining that getting ahead requires a sort of carefully applied derangement, hating your bosses, your co-workers, and your customers in precise amounts. The deed ain't done, and if it be not so, you'll hear in in the news:

Headless Blogger Found - Laptop Also Down
TL;DR Final Screed Appears To Be Code Based On Fuck
Fox Nation Reports Furry Slashfic

LOOK AT TEH KITTEN, DAMMIT!!!

Finally, this makes me happy right now, with some caveats...

Caveats:

•  I think Court And Spark is an amazing album, but I am not specifically a huge Joni fan
• Although the lyrics work beautifully in this song as an additional instrument, a reading of the lyrics straight shows them sans the music to be self indulgent crap - gosh, it's so hard to be David Geffen, and to have to go to Paris every so often to be free of my responsibilities
• The little flute breaks, I remember, as a kid in my dad's land whale with the AC Delco on, and it's the shit
• I've been to France and liked a great deal of it, over, admittedly, only a few days, people, bread, college-student-budget wine, so please do not take me for a standard issue American Francophobe, but Paris is bloody horrible, FSM it's horrible, evil, and the Danes/Swedes/Norsemen burning it to the ground every 20 years or so should have been a lesson followed and encouragement taken

Some topics and self-annoyance having been accumulated, watch this space...

Eyes Wide Shut*

Long, long workday, working on a project, had my head under a raised floor for several hours, the desiccation was a mighty thing, forcing me to try to re-hydrate with Glenfiddich 18, the Scots are a wise people; my hands, with the long weekend outside and a day in a wind tunnel, have taken on the texture of sandpaper, really unhappy sandpaper, with daddy issues and an incompetent hypnotic regression therapist; and my discoveries have made my immediate future a touch annoying, and may drive my boss to drink...more. I'm beat, is what I'm saying, and I'll go to bed with my hands coated in lotion and covered with nitrile gloves, and not for any fun reasons.

Brief political note - Minnesota is struggling to pass a statute regarding standards for dog and cat breeding facilities, targeting the "puppy/kitty mills". Again. Struggling. Ummm, I ain'tn't sure how anyone could quibble with requirements that the animals be kept clean, with enough room to relax/sleep comfortably, time with other pets and their mothers to learn to, you know, FUCKING PLAY AND SOCIALIZE? I have my friends, for who I would help hide the body, but I'm not exactly a social butterfly. I'm an animal lover, more a dog person than a cat person but I love mah kittehs. What are these jackholes concerned about? 

Watching a new show on Comedy Central, The Jeselnik Offensive. So. Awful. Beyond words or emotion or Cosmic Horrors, hands/flippers at the window. That is my review, which is mine, by me. Avoid this like something dreadful, say, gonorrhea or Bud Light.

*Post is not in any way related to the film starring Tom Cruise, by Stanley Kubrick, intent on shredding his legacy. Also, Tom Cruise is bleedin' insane. But, have you ever thought about the benefits of a good spiritual enema? Contact me, I represent paleo-ology, a new way to live your life, with quantum wellbeing our watchword, or watchwords, you will find out which when you reach level Plaid, which may or may not have to do with dinosaurs and quantum wellbeing. Just remember gluons, and dream, and for a minimal contribution I can make you magical with friendship.

A Modest Proposal II: Electric Boogaloo

Rep. Ann Lenczewski, MN-DFL, is proposing a bill to allow Minnesota teachers to deduct classroom expenses, part of an issue known as tax conformity, where state tax laws hew closer to federal tax structure. This MN bill is to match the federal deduction for classroom expenses of up to $250 per teacher. This is such a win, thank you mighty lefties, why I - 

Hmmm. Idea.

ponderponderpondernotchristianponderworsethandammittebowponder

LET'S HAVE TEACHERS PAY THEMSELVES AND THEN DEDUCT THE EXPENSES!!!1! EDUCATION IS SAVED!

woot

Pay back the schools what the state, to be polite, 'borrowed' from them during the administration of Lil' Timmy "I Can Haz Veep Mitt, Please, Please, Please" Pawlenty?

Then maybe fully fund them ongoing?

Crazy talk, commies.

I know this is a not a huge thing, on the scale of drones, the Total War On Women, mopping up John McCain's (from being 1300 years old but looking only a day over 856) and Lindsey Graham's (from undressing John McCain with his eyes - "Grey Matter Blend" Bleach buy one pallet second pallet free at Cub Foods, you're welcome) drool on the senate hearing room floor, and the Mitt Romney sex tape (now with fully exposed ankles - see Cub sale above), but for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster could we please act like democrats and quit this walking-on-eggshells-not-even-eye-wash-grade bullshit legislating? Could we please be the damned adults in the room?