Ohmigawdohmigawdohmigawdohmigawdohmigawd

Early Christmas is here!

A brief review of some events:
Batshit-crazy Michele Acid-Eyes Bachmann ran for the republican nomination for PUSA in starting in summer 2011, and for all intents and purposes moved to Iowa. In January 2012, after finishing behind Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, and, well, probably me, she pulled up her tent-revival stakes. 
Upon the completion of her campaign, and her triumphant return to teh Congress where as a member of the Republican caucus and the Teabag Caucus, she promptly voted to defund Obamacare for the 33-39th times, as stormclouds appeared on the horizon. Campaign finance irregularities, including the apparent bribing of an Iowa State Senator, Kent Sorenson, to support her campaign, and the theft of the membership list of an Iowan homeschooling organization to be used for direct mailings, have gotten public and private ethics organizations r-e-e-e-a-a-l-l-y interested in her goings on.
These primary source of many of the allegations, although there are many corroborative witnesses, was the Bachmann campaign evangelical outreach director, Peter Waldron, by any measure a fully-formed fucking wackadoodle. His motivations are, in my opinion, two-fold, and I can see them, actually, being legitimate concerns... 

• He claims that staff, including him, were not paid for a couple of years
• (My pure conjecture) Someone will fall on the nearest sword (NO, MARCUS! A literal, albeit metaphorical, sword never mind...) to protect The Girl With The Faraway Eyes (please read Charlie Pierce, that is all), with, admittedly, the promise of a healthy chunk of Wingnut Welfare upon his/her exit from Club Fed, and Waldron prefers it not be him

She had the opportunity to make all of this go away with a check, something her supporters, at the time, before all of this threatened to grow, would have done without question, that's politics, not even particularly remarkable. She did not, choosing instead to publicly insult him. And the growing scandal has ended her career in Congress, for at least as of now, she has declared that she will not be running for MN-6 in 2014

THE PUNCHLINE - TURKEY AND CRANBERRIES TIME

Monday, online, Waldron uploaded BACHMANNISTAN.

Ummm. SQUEEEEEE!

I don't normally (anymore) ready political memoirs (exceptions: All the President's Men - Woodward & Bernstein; The Boys On The Bus - Timothy Crouse; Fear and Loathing On The Campaign Trail '72 - Dr. Thompson), but I've heard terms bandied about such as Diva (guess who - yes, Marcus! Kidding...) and Rasputin (Keith Nahigian, the campaign manager replacing Ed Rollins, who apparently took command of the client with an iron fist), and shall be downloading this sumbitch (assuming it ain't'nt like $40) this afternoon.

I tell ya, FSM loves a humble man...

An Open Letter To Fox News And The Daily Tucker

Dear sirs  To whom it may concern  If I may have a moment of your time  Messrs Tucker and Ailes

Um.

HEY! ALL Y'ALL RIGHT-WING, RACIST, WOMAN HATING, FUNDIGELICAL, GUN-FUCKING SHITHEADS! 

Ok, listen up!

Fox and Friends and The Daily Caller have raised some eyebrows recently in the coverage of the murder of Christopher Lane in Oklahoma, a baseball player from Australia, out for a jog, and thrilled killed by a trio of dumbasses. Said dumbasses have been identified and arrested, and are so to learn the criminal justice system in detail I am not sure they ever imagined. The point I am going to make is not about the dumbasses.

Both Fox and Friends and the Daily Tucker have reported the suspects as 3 black teenagers. This is incorrect, but go with me here. For that matter, they don't mention that, hey, guns, cool, drool!, but anyway. Both Fox and Friends and Mr. Carlson's errand boys have asked* where the outrage went, why is this manifestation of Black Pantherish radicalism, this enforcement of Jim Crow against the disenfranchised crackers of, um, Australia, or something, being treated as a media afterthought, as opposed to the crowds and speeches and protests related to the  trial of the (now, with moar shotgun!) murderer of Trayvon Martin. (Again, see Mediaite link). In other words, and I can't believe this clause is tripping off my fingers, F&F and Tucker's Rag are waiting for Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and President Black Darkie McKenyan to say, well, who knows, they wouldn't listen anyhow, doesn't matter.
Please allow me to drop a nickel in your brains...

• After Christopher Lane was killed, there was an immediate investigation
• The investigation discovered the identities of the three dumbasses
• The three dumbasses were then apprehended and are jailed, as opposed to having been given a pat on the melon, told, congratulations, you just killed your first niAustralian and sent home with a skip in their steps and a song in their hearts
• The three dumbasses were not given the benefit of an entire television network, hell, an entire print/audio/video media community, calling them heroes, calling for the extermination of all niAustralians, and blaming Christopher Lane for every murder in North America since President Garfield.
• The three dumbasses, not having a wing of the professional media propping them up, do not have supporters holding up signs about how all niAustralians are thugs, professional ninja chopsaki cold blooded purple drankers hopping to their gangster flows like Fifty Cents.

Oh, I did miss one small similarity in the cases, though. For legal reasons the three dumbasses are referred to as alleged murderers, but Imma take a leap.

DUMBASS 1, DUMBASS 2, DUMBASS 3, AND GEORGIE? GUILTY AS HELL.

Oh, hey, by the way - aren't gunz dr-e-e-e-e-a-a-m-y?

*in this period not long after the comic Performance Piece of the Century, the Zimmerman Trial for his murder of Trayvon Martin

Separated At Birth

Not saying nothing, certainly no social commentary at all, just, you know, the foremost musician of this or any other generation being copied by some model, just seems, I don't know, derivative?

Soundtrack to supper...

Back To Work

Ain't gonna lie to you, I have better places to be, but in the interests of continued employment, I best catch up my work.

Saturday Night Film Review (Two Days Late): A Haunting At Silver Falls

As happens when one is a shut-in, one watches a lot of bad TV, bad movies, and spends as much time with his wife as possible. Saturday I spent the day hating life and watching dreadful sasquatch mockbusters on SyFy:

• Yeti: Curse Of The Snow Demon (All the victims deserved horrible death. Ideally by cannibalism but no such luck.)
• Bigfoot (with Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams. Wow. Star power visible from space.)
• Sweet Prudence And The Erotic Adventure Of Bigfoot (Yes, this is real. No, it was not on Saturday, I needed a joke. No, I have not seen it. One must be careful writing blog posts - google may educate.)

As the evening progressed, my wife returned after a long day on her own errands, and she settled back with me, plopping down peppers to be chopped for homemade salsa, and we just shot the shit for a while, very, very nice, had a supper of leftovers, and as 10 o'clock wound around, we fed kittehs and decided to do a movie and popcorn. Searching through On Demand, we settled on:

A Haunting At Silver Falls        

It is a recent film, so I won't drop too many spoilers.

Pros:

• Some pretty genuinely tense scenes, without gore or indeed much blood at all
• Quite good cinematography, shadow and color, setting and framing. They took some time with their shots
• While the 'creatures', to use a non-spoiling term, are obviously on a budget, they still beat the hell out of low-budget, poorly conceived CGI (see all the above Bigfoot films. Except maybe Sweet Pru Baby.)
• The young actors did good jobs playing teenagers, does not appear to be Dawson Casting
• The villains give pretty good evil

Cons:

• Plot holes. Holy fuggit plot holes. Character motivation ran away from this script like a running, ummm, thing. No other way to put it. Not that you need to be spoonfed, but some of these things stand out in your mind like WTF? 

Verdict:

• I really liked it! Not a worldbeater, but a genuinely fun film for a night in for a few bucks. If the opportunity comes up, take it - worry about the plot holes later. A solid E thumbs.

AAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBCCCCCCDDDDDDEFFFFFFGGGGG

Television Is A Vast Wasteland! (Hmmm. I Like That, Damn I'm Clever...)

I've spent a week on a couch, feet propped in the air (and NOT. in. the good way!) (You're very welcome, brain bleach to your left, I'll be here a couple more days, thank you!), and watching TV. I want, no, need to share a little thing, I've discovered... 

The problem. With. AMERICA.

I won't make a claim rife with hypocrisy, or brag of special powers - if I have TV, I will watch it, especially if it has ghoulies, beasties, or things what go bump in the night. Including some of the reality TV aboot ghoulies, beasties, and things what go bump in the night. This keeps my channels in the Discovery/TLC/Travel/H2/Syfy (christ do I hate that fucking name) territory. I also love Duck Dynasty (yes, I said it, I know they are huge republicans/fundiegelical/NRA types, don't care, I think it is funnier than hell, and kinda sweet sometimes).

My tastes, however, put me in contact with, oh, say:

Ancient Aliens: Lunatic sharing a hairdresser with Don King takes confirmation bias to a whole new level, thereby taking a field already plagued with poor use of the scientific method and making it look even more foolish, punishing the legitimate scientists who risk mockery to do real research.









Call of the Wildman: Lunatic with impenetrable accent molests southern rodents. 

Celebrity Ghost Stories: Lunatics who have, in fact, been on TV at one point or other (hell, I've been on TV, several times. High Quiz Bowl, bitches. Yes, I'm an enormous nerd), all of whom seem to fought off Satan himself, and hellhounds, and the ghost of Charles Manson, Charles Schultz, Charles In Charge.

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives: Lunatic who is also giant douchebag stretches what could be an enjoyable, short series/travelogue into an interminable, unwatchable, celebration of lunatic douchebag.

Lizard Lick Towing: Lunatics who have gone into repo work because I, for one, am not calling anything called goddam Lizard Lick Towing when my 78 Vega breaks the length of sisilana I am using for a fan belt. 

Okay. I see. Let us try the class of television, then. Yes, I am about to get flamed, fuck off, I'm right and you know it.

Dexter: Seriously, bad guy catches bad guys, I suppose it is an interesting concept, but it has been done.

Breaking Bad: Same as the Sopranos, and also BORING AS HELL. Bryan Cranston is, however, an unbelievable actor.


Mad Men: What the fuck? Republican wet dream. How is this nostalgia - that America sucked, it's like that movie The Help. The one time I saw MM, I hated because it made me mad as hell, and I wanted to beat every character senseless.

All of teh above? Need moar evil dead things.

paleo Kicking Back, Feet Up, Because HE HAS TO. GAH!!!!! BLASTBUGGERALLROTTINGDAMMIT!!!!!

So, on Wednesday, after a few days of my fully functional foot starting down the road towards not exactly, I went to the doctor. Okay, no worries, crutches and kneewalker, couple days off, with painkillers, 6 weeks of hobbling about like a mad cow.

"Yeah doc*, it's probably this thingy again. Yeah, uh-huh. No, other foot. No, other foot. No, I don't need viagra. Yeah, no. Xrays, sure, cover our bases, ultrasound, wevs, I'd hate to be pregnant, although you'll be able to retire on the book rights, whereas I'll just end up with a carpet squirrel. Yeah, cover our asses."

(*Actually, my doctor is super cool, insists I call her by name, I don't because I respect her, listen to her, trust her, and she has lit my ass up when I have not done as well as she has ordered. And she is married to a geek, so she understands, well, like my wife, mostly understands, the constant stream of weirditude escaping my lips. Neat lady.)

"Hello, ultrasound person, how's it going, oh, I'm fine, certain amount of pain, well, quite a bit, really, drop the pants?, umm, ok, it's summer so I'm, ummm, commando, no, I have no worries or remaining dignity, just making you aware, cool?, s'cool, how's that thing wor-AAAHHHHK!...   ...Yeah, that sort of smarted a whole damn bunch...   ...No shit...   ...damn...   ...Thanks ma'am."

Three blood clots, one foot, no waiting. Two of them are DVTs (deep vein thrombosis) in each main vein (anterior and distal) passing through the ankle, a few inches long. The third is an SVT (superficial vein thrombosis) in the same area, that does not cause much of an issue on its own being basically a glorified varicose vein, but given its location was causing pain. On a blood thinner (coumadin) and blood slipperier (lovenox, spendy little shot too). Being these are my 3rd and 4th DVTs and 2cd SVTs in my life, for no apparent reasons, gotta go to a rheumatologist, probably be on coumadin for life, another goddamn pill.

By Wednesday evening and through Thursday, until some of the blood thinners began to take effect, there was significantly entertaining swelling, discoloration, and pain. I'd say size and shape of a foot-shaped melon and color of a plum, a melum, if you will. (I am patenting that fruit.)

Over the course of the weekend the foot has been returning to its normal appearance and feeling, still a little swollen. I can walk now, (somewhat reluctantly). Spent much of the weekend baked on vicodin (yes, I know for most people it is merely like taking 6-8 ibuprofen, but it levels me, and entertains the fuck out of my wife. I don't enjoy it too much, and now with much of the pain gone Imma stop.

I'm aware I am not exactly (name a popular actor, because I don't know any), but my wife likes me, and that's all I ultimately care about. Doesn't change the fact that I want very much to be healthier, look better, and have plans in place to do so. 

Plans which I have every intention of fulfilling.

IF I COULD FUCKING STAY UPRIGHT.

Dammit, I am getting so pissed off and so tired of being stuck immobile. It is not as if I am typically inactive, plan or no plan, I have shit to do, and I can't even get to the regular stuff, much less I want to start Tae Kwan Do and swimming, and evening walks, just keep working, but I can't even yet use my new lawnmower, and fuck. Hell, I have just broken every rule of grammar in 6+ languages - you know how many calories that burns? - one, maybe two if I have to backspace and rewrite a lot. I am not a bad guy, dammit. P'raps a bit undisciplined personally, but I try to be nice? C'mon, I need a break. Pbbffllttt!