Sunday, June 24, 2012

Saturday Night Redbox Fail

Hey all, sorry for the brief lack of posting but occasionally real life intrudes. Any rate...

Today's review is of a film called Joyful Noise.

This is a deep philosophical treatise on the world of competitive gospel singing, asking the questions we all ask, to wit:

a) Is Queen Latifah (or whatever she is called here) married?
2.) Is Queen Latifah pretty? (I'm inclined generally to say yes, and she can certainly sing.)
3.1415947). How much collagen can go into human lips before critical mass is achieved?
b.) Can Shiva the Destroyer of Worlds* create a bloodbath even he can't mop up? (I'm not sure about this one, I was tired and had been drinking. Squeezed real lemons, couple shots of stevia, carbonated water, and vodka. Very good and stuff!)

So, we had my dad up here for a fishing trip, and after a very successful day, and the consumption of piscine plentiness, we decided to relax with a movie. Sweetheart had stopped at Teh Redbox and picked up some movies, and as one of them was not Casablanca, we settled on the zombieless one to see with my dad, this musical Rocky, with robes and stuff. 

To digress briefly, Pookie and I have a bad record at Redbox, dreadful, foolish fluff, one after the other. This is all the fault of my honey, I am an innocent victim. 

(What's that babe? Yeah, sleeping bag is already in the garage. So, we're good? Yeah? Great, I'll start the grill...)

There is a church choir that competes in church choir competitions, led by the Queen and Dolly Parton, who at this point resembles Gandalf with a pair of wax lips inflated by an industrial compressor. With boobs.

(What happened, Dolly? She is very talented and was a very attractive woman, and it would have been something to see her gracefully age, I expect she would have been quite dignified. Instead she seems to want to look like Angelina Jolie, albeit with a better voice and as a better actress. Beside the point.)

So there is conflict, and dancing, and a character who kills men with a smile on their face, and romance, and cheaters, and twelve year olds, and blackmail, and half the cast of Law and Order shows up at one point or another. All of this spirals towards the expected ending, with more dancing, romance, and half of the tropes in the book. 

I give it a very enthusiastic "OW, MY BALLS!"

*Oh, and speaking of Shiva, has anyone else read The Destroyer - the several year/100+ volume Remo Williams pulp novels? Seriously woot!! They did a movie of that as well, Remo Williams - The Adventure Begins
which is not as woot, could certainly been better. However, Fred Ward was the perfect Remo, and Wilfred 'Diabeetus' Brimley was an ideal Harold Smith. Too damn bad the movie had issues. I mean, Joel Grey as Chiun? Why not Mickey Rooney as long as we are doing wildly inappropriate racial caricatures. Holy FSM.


  1. With boobs, inflated by an industrial compressor... had to add that.

    I think that most individuals who put themselves under the knife end up looking awful. Hell, I remember reading that Amanda Seyfried was told, at the age of twenty-fucking-five, that she should consider Botox. We have one screwed up Beauty Industrial Complex.

    1. I'll have to find and publish a short story I wrote, about 2002, about, when I was bored, I responded to one of those "You Can Be A Talent Scout For A Talent Agency" - they were all over for a while there. I was doing it for shitsngiggles, but while I found a lot of dark humor in it, those modeling agencies are Satan.

  2. Also, when I read, "Saturday Night Redbox Fail", I thought you got killed by an owlbear in the Caves of Chaos.

    1. Imma see my parents in a few weeks, and look thru my stuff, keep/store/donate, I want to grab Paranoia, Toon, MERP, Air Force (board game, complicated but okay), and Axis and Allies. Never owned the red box, but we played constantly, preferred Basic to AD&D. Friday after supper until very early Sunday morning, with naps, too much Mt. Dew (no wonder I'm fuckin' diabetic!)

  3. the moment i first saw the trailer for 'gospelfight' i sadly shook my head at the shamelessness both the queen and dolly were displaying and vowed that i would NOT EVER WATCH THIS MOVIE EVEN IF I HEARD THAT CLIVE OWEN MADE A NUDE CAMEO APPEARANCE...

    dolly was one of my idols until her last bout with the knife...she effing kicked ass musically and theatrically...then...i don't know what happened...perhaps there are side effects of too much plastic in one's body that were not keep an eye on pamela anderson...

    1. Gospelfight!

      Told my dad that, he larfed!

      Clive Owen? The guy from BBC Whose Line Is It Anyway?